In the beginning of 2016 I decided to take LSD. This changed my life forever. I had already taken mushrooms before and really enjoyed the experience. So I felt confident LSD would be just as “fun”. However that was not the case for me.
the whole is experience was long, drawn out and uncomfortable. But the worst part was not during the trip, it was after. I struggled with crippling anxiety in the months following. It made me question myself and the meaning of my life. and it brought out all the fears of not knowing or understanding The things we all ponder as humans.. Things I never paid much attention to before.
After this trip I tried to confide in my roomate but he couldn’t understand what I was going through. This made me feel alone and truly crazy. After a while we got into a fight at work which lead to me losing my job. That night I went to my dads house and brought an 18 pack of beers and a bottle of Jager. I got insanely drunk with my dad and my stepmom and just tried not to think about anything that night. My dad drank quite a bit with me too. I’ll be honest it was a great time but we apparently had too much fun. That night when we all went to bed, my dad abruptly died of a heart attack.. I remember the morning like it was yesterday. I woke to sound of cabinets closing downstairs which Usually meant breakfast was being cooked and life was okay…. I wish I stayed in bed a little longer and held on to that thought.. I walked out of my bedroom to go down stairs walking past my dads room. I saw him laying on the ground butt ass naked which I though was strange but also, I knew we were very drunk the night before. When I got to the stairs and looked down to the great room I saw my stepmom on her knees talking to officers.. then it all clicked… I rushed back to my dads room and turned him over. It’s a sight I can’t get out of my head. And never will. his soul was gone and his body had been laying there all night. And I that changed something in me and took a certain innocence away that I’ll never get back. I had never cried so hard in my life before, and since then I struggle to feel or display emotions. After crying that one time it almost made me numb to the point that I resisted feeling any emotion again.
since then I feel like I cant face the emotions and anxieties that came with my LSD trip and my mind refuses to deal with the trauma of losing my dad.
I’ve lived in the same state my whole life and everywhere I go is filled with every single good and bad memory I’ve ever had. I don’t know how to get out. I work a meaningless 9-5 office job that pays me enough to not want to quit but not enough to change my life. I constantly look for an escape to this rat race and any opportunity I can find to get me out of this hell. If I could just win the damn lottery I truly believe it would fix my immediate problems and help me to focus on the good in life and heal my mind.
I don’t have a specific donation request in mind, everything and anything helps, kinda hoping for a miracle here.