My name is Fikret Hudaverdi, I am 33 years old and married to my gorgeous wife Rubina.
I’ve always been a firm believer of being honest and open, for being someone who is deeply thoughtful as well as very shy.
I feel a sense of great embarrassment crawl over me as I write this, as I have never done anything like this in my life. Unfortunately I feel as though I have no choice but to reach out and ask for help. Its 4:30am here in london,UK. As I lay here in my bed writing this to you i’m looking at my wife fast asleep beside me. I cant help but think to myself “why are you writing this?!! You cant possibly expect anything to come of this”…….yet i’m going to continue in the hope that it finds someone who is willing to help.
Life was never very kind to me growing up, I was raised by Turkish/Cypriot parents in london,UK, I was the eldest of 12 siblings (1 younger brother and 11 sisters). My parents could never really provide for us, and always struggled to give us the basics. My father always had anger issues, as I was the eldest all of his abuse both verbal and physical was directed at me daily….I remember being beaten with curtain wire for making too much cereal, for wanting new school shoes as they were torn, for wanting to play downstairs with my friends after school and so much more. At the age of 15 my father threw me out of the house, chucked my passport at me and told me to go, as I had gotten my left ear pierced and for him this was against our religion and assumed I was on drugs and worse. My father never allowed me to live at home or visit home ever again while he was there………talking about that part of my life was harder than I realised.
I spent the next year of my life sleeping rough, in hostels, and trying to finish secondary school. I managed to finish school with below average grades. In the following years I continued to remain in hostels and done a few national vocational courses to boost my education, as well as landing myself a job at the local supermarket (Tesco) where I remained employed until march last year.
I always found it difficult to approach people with my problems, to talk about them.
By the time I turned 22 life had taken a turn for the worst, my father was remanded for assaulting my sisters which led to my parents divorce. As a result of this my mother asked me to move back home in order to help her raise my younger sisters, I did so without hesitating as I had missed out on so many years of their lives. My mother became unwell shortly after that, being diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, ciatica as well as asthma, my efforts alone were not enough to keep the local authorities from taking my sisters into foster care. Where they all remained until old enough to leave and have their own apartments. My mother was given a small apartment to rent from the local authorities and I was once again without a home and not enough income to rent my own property.
I found myself sleeping on my sisters living room floor on a mattress for the next few years…..(until i met Rubina my wife through work).
In 2010 I managed to get promoted to a “Team Leader” which gave me an extra income of around £200 a month. As part of the promotion i was moved to a new shop which was yet to open, where I met my beautiful wife.
She was a customer assistant for our new shop and I would be her TL. From our very first get together (induction) as a team i could not take my eyes off her, without speaking a word we sat there listening to our store manager talk to us about expectation while staring directly into each others eyes from opposite ends of the room. We became friends, she became my soul-mate, the one person I could talk to about my feelings, my life….everything. We fell in love shortly after……confessing our love for each other. Unfortunately we were so in love we failed to realise the challenges that lay ahead, she was from bangladesh and I was turkish….her family would never accept this!! Due to another promotion I was able to rent an apartment a year later..( a very small 1 bed apartment) all the while rubina being the most supportive girlfriend i could have asked for….i proposed to her on her 21st birthday (02/07/2011) for the next 3 years we battled to be allowed to marry, finally achieving our dream on 04/05/2014.
6 months into our marriage I realised at I had become a workaholic….it was the only way we could survive. My wage would just about allow me to pay the rent, get some food for the house, and pay out phonebills. In order to provide my wife with any gifts, day outs, takeaways…..I had to sacrifice……(selling my stuff…game consoles, watches…to skipping some bills until the following month)….. she was the person I loved most in this world and nothing mattered except her happiness…..she had gone through hell and back to support me, love me, to be able to marry me.
I was working 60-70 hours a week, getting home when my wife was asleep and leaving for work before she woke most days.
My once full of life rubina….my rock…the girl who had literally saved my life……was becoming extremely quiet….and sad. Somedays I would come home at 1am to find her crying….she was crying for me!! She was crying as she missed me…and knew i had no choice but to work so many hours to barely bring in enough income for us to barely scrape together enough money to pay our rent, buy food and pay our mobile phone bills.
I suffered from depression from quite a young age and she was the one who gave me hope in life. She is all that is good in my life.
I couldn’t watch her go through this and not do anything about it…..she deserved to be happy, to have a husband who could spend more time with her. We moved to a cheaper apartment but found we were still struggling. Yet somehow no matter how bad things got always managed to give to charity…..even if it left us broke, as we always knew there are people in the world a whole lot less fortunate than ourselves and wanted to make a difference.
Watching my rubina go through this for the next few months took its toll on me….I became very depressed….zombified…..as i knew i could do nothing to improve this. I finally made a decision to resign from work last year……rubina was working part time but so we managed to keep our apartment for that month. We woke up together, went for walks together, watched movies together….my rubina was so happy……that twinkle in her eyes came back. The next month we found ourselves with no home as we could not pay the rent for our apartment. Her parents took pity on us and allowed us to live in their garage, from where I am writing this right now. I have found flexible employment delivering food, unfortunately it has become very expensive to rent apartments and my income isn’t enough to maintain payments. We are constantly teased and demoralised by our family’s who tell us to buy our own home, learn to drive, have children,hiw we should have saved for tough times, how we are thoughtless and not smart…………..all of this on a daily basis has made it extremely difficult for us to be happy with life…..honestly we have both become very depressed with no hope for our future and sometimes no will to live. Our marriage is stronger than ever…..yet we have no place to call home, no money to make any of our dreams come true and no matter how much we work we wont be able to make any of these things happen, to too it off we have been trying to conceive a child for 3 years now, to no avail. We thought god smiled on us this past few weeks as we became pregnant…unfortunately last night it was confirmed to be a chemical pregnancy and truly broke our hearts
I find myself awake every night watching her sleep…..with tears in my eyes…..thinking…”how can I give u a decent life……I wanna see the happiness in your eyes…..the happiness of having a home…..having financial stability so I can give you the little things, a holiday every few years, at least be able to make a few of your dreams come true….to give you a stable life.”
But then reality sinks in……I cant…..I can feed her, I can love her…..but I cant make her dreams come true, I cant give her a home or any sort of stable life as I just cant afford it and the work i can do is limited by education.
Sometimes we sit and cry together…..”will life ever give us a break?” we aren’t selfish people…..we always give ourselves a hard time as we know there are people in the world who are starving. And it breaks our hearts. I guess years and years of struggle, heartbreak and sacrifice from us both have given us no hope for the future.
We don’t talk about he future anymore.
We just live each other in our own little bubble.
I just want to be able to say….”we made it, we have our own home…..some finances to make some happy memories and hopefully start a family comfortably, we wont be teased anymore…..we don’t need to be scared of our loved ones looking down on us.
I feel so embarrassed that I have actually written this all here, embarrassed and ashamed…..I have never done anything like this in my life to date, and have no idea who will read this email, if it will even reach anyone who can help and wont poke fun at us or judge us.
I am not a charity, and I have no right to expect anything from anyone. i’m just a 33 year old man asking other human beings for help.
I am trying to raise £500,000. So that we can buy a home for ourselves, and our future children to live in. So that we can both learn to drive, so I can pay for my rubina to go to university and follow her career dreams as well as my own. So she can hold her head high and not have to lower her head when teased by friends and family about our situation, so i can take her on a few holidays, more importantly so we can make some real happy memories to drown out the pain, and ensure our future children have the opportunities we did not, and grow up to make a difference in the world.
I’m sorry if I have offended anybody reading this. It was never my intention, as I’ve said before I don’t even know who this will reach……but I feel I have to try as I have no other option. I’ve never shared my life like this with anyone except rubina….and to be honest i don’t know what will happen as a result if this email….my life experiences to date tell me this will probably never reach anyone who can help and I’m in a dream world, yet here I am at 5:35am…..still writing this. Maybe I’m crazy but in the hope that it changes our lives.
May god bless you and your family…….and thank you for taking the time to read my life experience.