Hello, my name is Barbara. I’m a single woman living in Florida. I want to express my immense gratitude to anyone willing to hear my story. Lately, life has been challenging, and despite my efforts to persevere, it often feels like for every step forward, I take two steps back.
I feel like I’ve been a prisoner in my mind, watching life pass me by while I’m distracted by the daily grind of trying to survive. Survival has been the central focus of my life, and it’s emotionally exhausting in more ways than one. Yet, I still try to remain optimistic, believing I can bring something good into the world through the goals I’ve set for myself.
I’ve struggled with depression my entire life due to childhood trauma. This year, I’ve come to realize that I feel profoundly alone in this world. Despite my efforts to find closure and healing with my family, they continue to cause me emotional pain. It’s painful to accept that, no matter how much I give and sacrifice, they devalue me. I’ve had to make the difficult decision to walk away from them, questioning if blood is truly thicker than water.
Loneliness has become a familiar companion, something I’ve grown used to like a cozy sweater. Despite this, I’ve been determined to survive without relying on those who’ve hurt me the most. Fearing the tough job market, I returned to school to pursue a graduate degree in Social Work. The reality of the job market is daunting—I’ve applied countless times and faced rejection after rejection, despite my 15 years of experience in healthcare as a Case Manager and Healthcare Recruiter. Currently, I work as a caregiver for seniors, earning $1400 a month while my bills total $2300.
To make ends meet, I’ve had to rely on student loans, leading to $58,000 in debt. Looking back, I regret the financial burden of returning to school. I worry about my future, wondering if more student debt will lead to sustainable employment. My total debt now stands at $73,400, and my dream is to start an online business as an Integrative Life Coach, helping those struggling with mental illness, trauma, loneliness, and introversion.
Despite my struggles, I’m passionate about giving back. I often help others while silently suffering. It’s like screaming for help and not being heard. Although I’ve held hope for something greater, obstacles continually obstruct my path. Yet, I cling to the little hope left to move forward.
I share this not for pity but to offer a glimpse into my inner struggle.