I have a longer version of this that took me ages to write out, but realised I needed to cut it down.
This is more compact & fact-based ‘in-conclusion’ roundup including a public post that reflects my feelings on some things.
If anyone wants the full-length version I’d be more than happy to post it underneath in the future.
I want to flag this post with a TW as the topics I mention could be uncomfortable for some people.
Firstly, I want to share a public post I made in September regarding my mental health & my weight problems.
This is just to get a feel for my headspace & then underneath I outline key facts about money etc.
“For a long time, I’ve neglected to take of myself. I’ve tried to better my mental health by all means available & necessary – which has been a struggle & I still am waging a war with myself.
So many things can happen when my mental health takes a dip or strums it’s blues rhythm for a prolonged period of time.
I become forgetful & I isolate myself. I’m fatigued & I get headaches. I don’t tend to enjoy anything. I can’t feel happy or the emotions I should be feeling. I get intrusive suicidal thoughts & it takes me back to an old version of myself that I really don’t like.
My eating habits become worse. I’ve only just come to terms with being open with calling it an ‘eating disorder’ because social norms tell us eating disorders are only for when you’re thin. I used to binge & purge. My overeating may be seen as gluttonous or disgusting. But my addiction to sugary/high-calorie foods is for controlling my anxiety & it’s a habit that needs to break & be moulded into a healthy one.
I don’t know the psychological full-length of how it started or where it stemmed from, but it’s not about the ‘why’ or ‘how’. It’s about the ‘now.’
I stopped putting my physical health & body first, it was never a priority. I had conflicting advice from medical health professionals to ‘sort out mental health first’ before doing something about my weight.
In the past I’ve tried; fad diets, diet pills, fat burners, restrictive eating, binging, purging… but it’s all led back to gaining back the weight & gaining more than before.
I get anxious going to social events. I deny myself opportunities because I’m paranoid about what people might say or think. I have been diagnosed with PCOS & recently learnt I’m not ovulating & haven’t been for quite some time. The longer this lingers, the less likely I am to become fertile.
I’m dreading seeing those who judge me for what I am now, who used to know me at a healthy weight. What’s also stopped me trying is still being known as a former ‘fat girl’. The stigma of being heavy bears incredible ‘weight’. No matter what I do will I ever be seen for just being me?
I know what it’s like to be either side of the scales. I wish I didn’t take my lean body for granted.
It’s funny, the psychological version of myself when I was ‘thin’, isn’t the girl I’m proud of.
In the past 5 years I’ve grown (pun intended) & become mentally stronger & tougher than ever before, that doesn’t mean I don’t struggle – but I love who I am inside (most of the time.) I just want that to be reflected on the outside.
It’s no secret that improving your physical health helps with your mental health & I’m done letting my mind take me for rides that burn 0 calories.
Everyone *always* underestimates me, including myself.
Well, it’s game over.
See you on the other side.”
- At 18 I was officially diagnosed with depression, anxiety & Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD or EUPD.)
- At 20 I was let go from a retail job due to mental discrimination. I was told profit was more important & that I was unreliable for the company. I wish I would’ve done more at the time. I’ve recently reached out to the company & they’ve said there’s nothing they can do for me.
- I claimed ESA that Summer & was able to feel more independent & confident being financially stable.
- Since moving in with my partner at 23 my ESA benefits were stopped. He couldn’t financially support me at all on his salary.
- I have attended a 6-month practical skills group for my diagnosis & take regular medication.
- I’ve been living on PIP which gives me £234 per month, I am struggling to financially survive.
- DWP claimed over & over again I could not claim anything else. I’ve recently come to find out I missed out on 18 months worth of Universal Credit between the time I moved in with my partner, until the date he got his new job with elevated wages. I was ill-informed & made to feel vulnerable & confused. This equates to over £2,000 worth of financial help I would have benefitted from.
- I have been applying to jobs I feel I could handle, to roles that are relevant to me but I’ve had little to no response & nonsensical reasonings why I hadn’t got the post from the 2 interviews I was asked to come to.
- My partner works so hard & I hate the fact I’m unable to contribute in any way. I feel worthless & useless. I’ve been contemplating suicide again & it scares me that my mental health is once again getting in the way of everything I want to pursue.
- I am asking for as much help as possible to get myself on the right track & attempt to find myself & my dreams again.
I am grateful to everyone who reads this & wish the best for you all on whatever journey you may be on.
Anything at all is appreciated.
You can go to: AllMyLinks this contains 2 payment methods & my social media & email.
Or please go to my: PayPal.me/190894 for ease.