I was debating whether to be completely honest and give full details or hide some of the truth to at least have a small chance of getting help from anybody. But, I think that would be a bad start, specially since I am asking you for a huge favor. The least I can do is to be straightforward so here it goes.
Last year, on June, my dad passed away. I was fully employed back then as a software developer. I made an OK living but I’ll admit I am bad with money. I had some savings but not huge. Whatever I had was gone in one month for the funeral expenses and help to my mom.
I had a healthy life: ate healthy, worked out, had a social life, took out my bike for long trips, I occasionally traveled to discover new places, I took pleasure in many things as in going to the movies, reading, playing games, learning new languages or new crafts, helping others… Life was OK.
But, I went into a huge depression.
(some background information: I have been depressed since 2003 when I was diagnosed with HIV. It’s been a long battle of ups and downs).
Logically my salary was cut to a 45%, which made me feel even worse.
From here I just spiraled down non stop.
I started using drugs to forget. I did not want to think about my dad’s death or my situation.
On Christmas, I could not visit my mom because first, I was broke, and second, I did not want to see me like that. For a second I stepped back and said to myself, “What the hell are you doing?”. So I stopped.
I stopped using and spending. I got in touch with work to arrange for my return.
While we worked out the details for this something else happened: my uncle died.
We were not very close. Well, I knew him well. Had known him for 20 years but it was not like a father figure or anyone I would go in shock for. My aunt however, she is the one who took me in when I was kicked out from my home when I came out as gay and the one who’s always been there for me. I even moved with her for a while because I was happier with her than I was with my parents.
Two weeks later, my cousin (their daughter, who was like a big sister) died from a car accident. And two days later my aunt was found dead from an overdose of sleeping pills.
At this point my brain goes numb. And you will pardon my language but I basically said screw work, screw life.
I went back to drugs. This time there was no pause. I did not want to see, to know, to hear.
I went on like this for almost 3 months. Until, two weeks ago.
I suddenly realized I was laying on the bathroom tube, holding a knife on top of my arm. I stared at this for I don’t know how long. Until suddenly something clicked inside me and I dropped it. I started crying. I’ve never cried like that before. I was screaming asking for help. And on and on it went for hours.
Eventually I could not cry anymore. But I was feeling good. I suddenly felt ready to move on and stop all that.
And that is what I did.
I know it’s not much, but I’ve been clean for two weeks now. I don’t crave anything. I don’t even want to do it. The thought of it actually makes me uncomfortable and to some degree, it disgusts me. Which I find a bit strange.
Obviously the consequences of my bad choices are coming to bite me in the butt right now. Well, they have for a while, I was just not dealing with them.
And here it comes.
I am in a real bad financial situation.
After bills and rent I am already at -300. I can’t even pay for food.
This morning I wanted to get my bike fixed to start going out but I could not. This is actually how I found out about my situation and what forced me to go over my income/expenses and financial mess. And what led me here.
I am not ready psychologically to go to work. I need a couple of months to get my head straight and go back to my old healthy life.
But I cannot do this without an income that allows me to do so and to more importantly breathe.
All I need is enough for the rent, bills, food, expenses to help me get back on my feet back to my normal life and my peace of mind.
I hate giving a number. But if I was on your side I’d want one.
1000 pounds would do it. 500 per month.
In two months I’ll be back to my normal self and working full time and that would be the end of this.
In the past if I had read a letter like this one, my first reaction would be, “I am not giving one pound this this addict, I know where he will spend it”.
Well, I am not an addict. And no, it’s not denial.
I don’t want to use. I want my life back. This has been the only time ever in my life I’ve done something like this. But it’s over.
I will agree to meet in person. Blood checks. Skype calls. Whatever you want. I would even prefer that. It would be something that will encourage me to keep working towards my goal.
Anyway. I think I have stolen enough of your time.
It would be great to have someone who could help me out of this hole so that I can get on with my life.
Now, looking back at this letter, it will be tough to find someone willing. But I hope there is that one person willing to take that risk on someone with a rough past year like mine.
Whoever it is, thank you in advance. Even just for taking the time to read this.