Hey everyone. I am so grateful for this site!
I wanted to explain a little bit why I am here and why I need help.
When I was 5 my parents got a divorce and shortly after my dad met a new woman. She soon started harassing me and my sister but it wasn’t until i turned 15 I realized I was experiencing domestic violence. As a kid you don’t realise that family can be hurtful. I sometimes lived with my dad and sometimes with my mom. I love my parents but let’s just say they were never really that stable when I was a kid. My dag drank a lot and my mom was so depressed that I was always afraid she might kill herself. Until she actually tried. I was 17 then and I knew she had tried many times before but I always denied the thought she might actually go all the way some day. She was cought in the act by my sister and she saved her life! My sister is so amazing and brave!
My mom was put in therapy for 3 months and I hardly met her. I was actually afraid of meeting her. I was angry and sad and I was afraid I might blame her for what she did. Back then I didn’t realise it was only her sickness that made her do those things. My dad stopped drinking daily when he finally realised he had to be there for his children and take care of them. But he was never able to break it off with the woman that mentally tortured me for 15 years. I have forgiven him for that for my own good.
2 years ago I decided to move away from Iceland to Sweden because I just could not stand living with a person that treated me so badly. I could not afford living in Iceland so I moved to Sweden where I already had a job and started school. For a while everything was fine until half a year later. My mental health started failing drastically. I knew I had some anxiety before and a lot of trauma. But when my PTSD, ADD, hypochonry, general anxiety, depression and anorexia all came at once I did not know what to do. I knew this day would come because I had been putting my own health away to make space for people all my life. I just never knew it would hit so hard and all at ones. Since I was new in the country I had to find doctors and help all on my own and believe me, the Swedish health care system is not as good as it looks from the outside. I went to the hospital and all they did was give me some medication and send me home. They told me I needed therapy but I would be put on a waiting list for at least half a year. Until then I would just take medicine. One medicine for my depression, one benzo and some sleeping pills. Now 2 years have passed and I can’t afford the medication anymore and I have not been given the help I need. I was kicked out of my job because I was so tired all the time from my medicine that I don’t even wanna take. Now I can’t even pay my rent and I can’t move back home to the woman that abused me for so many years. All I want is to keep a roof over my head and maybe buy some therapy sessions with a private therapist since getting help in this country from the government is hardly possible. Especially for a person from another country. I am looking for a job as a kindergarden teacher, doula, caretaker for people with severe autism or a gardener. These are my specialties that I am mostly skilled at. After this Corona pandemic started all job offers have been taken down. This summer I will try to teach children to play the piano and hopefully I will get some money from that.
I am very hopeful and I know I will be better. I am determined to get help and fix my problems. I just need a little kick in the butt and some cash in my wallet.
I hope some of you have some money to spare that I could use to pull my life back together after everything that has happened.
I am gonna do bif things with my life and I have big hopes for the future. But till then I need to focus on me in the now and get help.
p.s. Last christmas I took a big decision to never let my dads girlfriend ever hurt me again. So I decided to stop having any contact with her at all. I used to have nightmares about her almost every night and now they happen only a few times a week. I am really proud of that decision :D
Thank you so much everyone and stay safe!