The only thoughts running through my head as I sit here are realizations about how this is where my life really is. I am actually posting to a site called Begging Money, asking for donations from people I have never interacted with before because I am in that much trouble. It doesn’t feel good and I’m not really comfortable putting myself out here this way. I have always tried to keep my margins tight and in order. I have always had an escape plan for a”just in case”moment. I have always tried to pay attention to details and make adjustments as needed. I had plotted my trajectory and had reached several designated way points. I really thought I was on course and doing the right things to keep me and my family on track. Now? Here I am. Exposed, nervous, deflated and skinny. Wondering if I’m making the right choice here, wondering if this site is even real and worried that I might get scammed or have to deal with someone trying. Or and even worse someone that I know seeing this post and putting two and two together and saying to themselves, “that’s why you haven’t been around of late”, “that’s why when I ran into you in town were withdrawn and evasive”. Yes, those few sentences sound a bit crazy, even to me in my current mental state as I reread this. I doubt anyone I know even knows about this site. Or, gosh, maybe they do? I myself only learned of this site yesterday and I have decided to reach out regardless of the outcome with hope, because a year ago this month, the idea that I would lose a job I absolutely enjoyed, lose the love of my life, lose my all of security and become homeless. And, while watching my life turn for the surreal, my mother decides it’s time she release some information she has been holding tight to her chest because it’s has been bothering her for years. (My whole life) “You and your brother do not share fathers”. At that very moment, I felt my soul leave my body. The one person I trusted more than anyone or anything on this planet has lied to me my entire life. “Um, I’m not really feeling like I am in a particularly good place to process this; given what I just told you”.
There is no air…
August 2017, some friends of my partners came to visit from Germany and stayed at the Inn I was running, located in a beautiful small. It was a project I had been working for several years and was proud of what I accomplished over that time. It showed and our visitors from Germany loved it. Over the course of their stay they reveled that they were interested in relocating from Germany to the United Sates and that had decided that they liked the area and want to move here. They became interested in purchasing the Inn and restaurant associated with the property when I mentioned the current owner was looking to get out of the business. It was exciting for me because I was going to help the owner transition out and I was going to help the people from Germany realize a dream of theirs, owning business such as this in a beautiful small town. My part, I was going to get to continue with a project that I had truly fallen in love with. I connected the two parties and they off to the races.
January 2018, serious negotiations began for the property. My services were being negotiated for in the asking price.
This is where everything went wrong. This is where I made my mistake and ruined my life.
Being that my partner was with friends folks from Germany and I become one to them as well. And due the general excitement that goes along with a moment like that. When I was asked by the Germans if I would be willing to leave my position for a short period during the negotiations in hopes that the owner would back off the price a little. Then return after the sale to resume my work. At first I was not at all comfortable with the idea. I didn’t really know theses people. I also didn’t like the underhanded quality of it. After being assured by both my partner in the trustworthiness I these people and the actual people themselves in the fact they would without a question hire me back and we would start working together, I left my position awaiting the sale of the property.
I trusted and put my faith into the wrong people.
When the folks from Germany returned to take over the business, I was informed through my partner, that I was not to be hired back unless I was willing to earn half as much as I under with the previous owner.
I was obviously extremely upset and agitated. This is the United States of America, money is important. You can’t just put somebody in this position and jeopardize their livelihood. I tried to resolve the problem but it only created more things never recovered. The ordeal eventually contaminated the relationship with my partner when she sided with the folks from Germany, stating I should just get over it and find another job. I felt betrayed and marginalized. My trust was violated and my relationship ended as a result. I had been staying with my partner while the business transitioned with the intent to return to the inn after the sales. After the separation, I was asked to leave her home immediately, last August. I had burned through a lot my savings waiting for the business to change hands and finding another location with so little warning put a lot pressure on my reaming resources. I was able to transition well enough but I was having a lot of trouble finding work with the compensation needed to support my world. Regardless, I took what I could find because it’s what needed to be done. The numbers never worked. I was slowly burning through everything. I have a son in college, car payments, bills associated with the occupation of a residents and I was paying rent that was substantially more the my current salary could support.
5 months later, I had to move all of belongings into storage and I started sleeping on a couch in my friends basement. Normally I would rely on family during a time like this I suppose. With the news that I was the product of a one night stand a rift was formed and I had no where else to go. I was trying to be grateful. I kept telling myself that are people a lot worse of than I am. But, I didn’t handle this transition well. When my son came to visit me and I saw the look on his face when he saw where I am staying and sleeping, it was more than I could take. I became extremely depressed which effected everything in my life. Trying maintain in the face of this adversity I decided to try antidepressants which only resulted in me having extremely bad reaction the medication. I ended up needing care, missing time at work and losing my job.
In the span of one year I have lost everything and have been pushed to my emotional limits. It makes me realize how just a few subtle events, seemingly harmless at their passing, can change the course of your entire life.
Now, in 2019, I am looking for a event to change my life. A guiding light. I am asking for help from anyone who may read this and have some understanding of what I am going through. Some compassion and sympathy for my situation.
If I could get back on my feet, back in a proper dwelling I know I can over come this adversity, I just need someone to believe in me. Someone who is willing to give me a boost so I can get started again. Alone, I fear I will never recover. It is a mathematical impossibility. Too much damage has already been inflicted.
Please, if anything is willing to help me on this journey you will have my eternal gratitude. Any donation will help me get back on my feet put me in direction of having a home again.
This soul needs a beacon of light and love. A path back.
Love those around you and show them how important they are to you.