I currently am writing this as my 3 year old daughter is sleeping beside me. So happy just to spend time with me, probably dreaming of fantastic and unbelievable places and things. I on the other hand can’t sleep again. I am finding it hard to breath. My chest feels like it could explode outward with my anxiety. Add in my overwhelming feeling of impending doom and I have almost every symptoms of a heart attack. It’s not though, not yet anyways.
My tale is much to long to truly explain how I come to be where I am in life. I will do my best to paint a picture though. First off I am 30 years old. My ex wife and I started divorcing 2 and half years ago right at the beginning of covid. All my family lived 3 hours away and every day care shut down. I have my daughter every other week. So I was forced to sale my house which I paid my ex half of even though it had been my families house since 1944. I bought it from my aunt a while back but since she didn’t sign it over to me until after I was married It was considered half my wife’s. I then moved 3 hours away so I could have my grandma watch my daughter because it was the only way I could work with there being no day cares. Since then I have driven 3 hour to and from every Sunday and holiday to drop off or pick up my daughter. I gave the rest of the money I had from selling my house to my grandma as a down-payment because she was renting a condo and there wasn’t enough space for us to really stay there. That and at least she would be building equity owning instead of renting. Determined after my divorce and after being put in a bad place financially I worked as much as I could. I invested most of my money different cryptocurrency as I have followed it closely for a few years. I did well and it didn’t take long before I was in a decent position. I ended up quiting my job. I had saved enough money up that I was going to buy a place and attempt to start a business. My little cousins car blew up and she was 23 and had just became a nurse. We don’t have much family so I took out 8 thousand in crypto and bought her a used car she wanted. It was the only withdrawal I ever took out of my crypto. Right after that I had plugged in my computer which had been sitting in a storage unit since my divorce maybe a year and a half. I logged into my crypto wallet on my computer. Apparently it was missing a vital security update from sitting in storage however. My crypto wallet and Google account got hacked and they took 124,000 dollars that was in my crypto wallet. It was all the money I had. Every dollar I had made from investing and almost every spare dollar I had saved. I worked as a sales rep at am At&t store. So I don’t make a lot of money from work. That was like 5 years salary. That and I had just quit my job. This is far from the first time I have taken hard financial losses and had to restart. I have 20 bolts in my left arm from it being reconstructed about 6 years before. The surgery itself was almost 90,000 dollars and while I couldn’t work a lot of the time during the 16 month recovery. I had my car repoed which ruined my credit. I got evicted from my apartment, I had to sell everything I had just to make ends meet. I remember working so hard to recover from that. I bought a 500 dollar car so I could get a job and rebuilt my life step by step. During that time is when I started dating my now ex-wife. It feels like the universe is against me though. I have been to 36 funerals and been a pallbearer 14 times. 14 times I have carried a casket to its grave of close friends and family. Including my best friend who shot himself when we were 18. 3 days before me and him moved into our college apartment. Then I had to move into our 2 bedroom apartment by myself, alone away from everyone else I knew. Want people to look at you weird. Try crying silently in a classroom full of college freshman. That same friend would actually be my daughters uncle. I ended up marrying and having a kid with his little sister. Weird that his death ended up being the cause of my daughter, which is the only thing keeping me alive. So here I am so broke that my cell phone is shut off. I have absolutely nothing, the economy has went downhill and the cost of living sky rocketed. I can’t move out of my grandma’s even if I go back to work. It will take me possibly years of saving and good money management and self discipline to climb out of this hole I am now in again. They will probably repo my car next week. Again my credit will be ruined and I will be fully restarting. I don’t have much family. As I said 36 funerals most of my family has died and there wasn’t many of us to begin with. I have now been trying so so hard to build a life for myself for 12 years and I actually am worse off now then when I was 18. It actually seems like the harder I try and the better decisions I make the worse things get.
That is just the start of a long sad story full of tragedies. It has taken me an incredible amount of mental, emotional, and physical effort to be ok with all the pain and anger I have had. I don’t want my misfortunes to be an excuse as to why I keep failing. I am at the end though. I am a proud man and very capable, yet I’ll be jobless and car less next week. I have nothing except debt and emotional burdens to offer anyone. I can’t be the father I want to be. I can barely afford food for myself and my daughter. I have nothing left though. Life has beaten every bit of hope and optimism out of me. If I didn’t have a daughter that I refuse to abandon or make grow up without a father I’d off myself. My depression and financial outlook is so bad though I don’t know what to do. I don’t see how I can ever aspire to become the man I want to be. Not without help. So if you are reading this, please 🙏. I need someone to help, to lean on, someone show me that something good can still happen.