I am a 34-year-old divorced mother of four. I am living on subsidized housing, attending college, and raising my children [alone]. I have four children ages 16 down to 12 two boys and two girls. I live my life for them with little to no support.
My ex-husband, who is the father of all four of my children, and I was very toxic together. He was very abusive in every form, and I was verbally abusive towards him. We divorced in 2020 on the day of our 10th year anniversary. He was around for one more year then decided to go back to a woman, he had children with during our relationship and marriage but “dated first”.
When he did that, he stopped caring for my children. I can’t afford attorney or court fees, nor do I understand the whole aspect of having him get visitation for the summer and child support alimony and things of that nature. He has seven children- four with me.
Life as a single mother is extremely difficult especially during the adolescence ages. It feels like I don’t have any support, and it is becoming mentally physically emotionally and spiritually draining. I am not perfect, and I have made a few mistakes that I’ve learned from in this lifetime. I love my children so much it hurts! I want nothing but the best for them as most parents would.
I know they are at the ages where they want to explore the world, and I try to get them that space. Giving them that circle of security, but it feels like they hate me. They make me feel the feelings my mother and their father made me feel. I hate to sound like I am a complainer because The Most High knows I do not like to complain. But I am at a point in my life where I want to say eff it all.
I have suffered in silence my entire existence. Maybe because my pride wouldn’t allow me to look meek and vulnerable in front of others who intended to make me feel every bit of that. But I am tired of this ongoing silent battle, and I need help. I want a family that is supportive and doesn’t demean me and try to make me feel like I am never good enough.
I had my first child eight days before my 18th birthday. When I found out I was pregnant I was so excited. At the time he had been in jail fighting an illegal gun charge. I met her father’s mother maybe a month after finding out I was pregnant, and she told me to get an abortion. I told her I wanted to keep my baby. She went on to tell me to “make her my last resort to the point when I have NOBODY to call that’s when I call her.” She stuck to her word throughout our entire marriage. She did absolutely NOTHING for my children and that’s her choice.
My mother also told me to get an abortion, and I told her the same thing. Throughout my entire marriage and even after my mother has thrown it in my face of how cruel my ex-husband treated me. She thinks because of the abuse I’ve endured, and my children witness, I have no right to complain about their behaviors towards each other. It’s like I have to mention the fact we went through that every time. I have come to the conclusion that my mother has never liked me. Any confidence I had in myself she made sure to tear it down. But act like a loving mother or grandmother.
After everything is said and done my life feels like shit. I feel like I ruined my life not by having kids (maybe with the wrong guy) but staying in a marriage that was never really good for any of us. However, with all of this emotional baggage I try with everything in me to keep going.
Enrolled in college for my AA and if I pass this semester, I have one semester left before I graduate! I am a first-generation college student. This milestone means so much to me. I have life kicking my ass family kicking my ass and I just trying to hold on a little bit longer while keeping the bit of sanity I still have.
If I can get $100,000, I know that will put me in a position to where I wouldn’t be running on in place. I do not have much debt, and I have a dream. Not only a dream but a plan as well. We know how plans like to work sometimes, so I’m here with a story wish and a prayer that someone get this turtle of its back!
If I was to receive $100,000, I will purchase farmland. I will invest wisely and spend frugal. I have so many business ideas, but I know that I can’t run with all of them. However, I want to start a non-profit organization. A transitional program that intends to help ex-felons with self-sufficiency, crop growing, financial literacy and skills that will land them a permanent job position. There’s much more to my idea but that is the overview. This is the one idea I’ve been slowly but surely working towards. Also, if I was to receive $100,000, I would like to go on a spiritual retreat for a week and my children would love to visit Dubai.
I am ready for a new book in my life. New book, new story, new woman. I ready experience the sweet side of life. Making sure my children are comfortable and understand that I love them and everything I do is for me AND them.
If you have reached the end of the message, I truly appreciate the time you took out to read my story and reasons. I love you just for that alone! May The Most High God, the Universe, be with you. May you have the heart to give to me.
https://paypal.me/Jalicia27?country.x=US&locale.x=en_US
Thank you.