I am 37 and I have been disabled for my entire adult life, both physically and emotionally. I’ve struggled for so so long with trying and failing repeatedly to find some way or another that I can make some form of income. For a wide variety of reasons, nothing ever works. This has always left me in the position of needing to be taken care of by someone, usually whatever partner I was with at the time, though sometimes family, a couple times friends. No matter who, though, I’ve always felt ashamed and guilty of my inability to contribute much of anything to whatever joint living situation I’ve been in. And, to be honest, given all of the physical pain I’m in so much of the time, this has extended to my inability to contribute much to household chores, either. I do what I can, but more and more over time, that’s… not that much. And, it really eats at me. I would desperately want to hire help with housework, even if just sometimes, but it’s just not feasible, and never has been.
Nowdays, I live with my husband and 10 year old daughter (I was a single mom for several years, until getting married and moving in with my husband a couple years ago), in a rented basement apartment. My husband makes a reasonable income, enough to pay the rent and bills, and once in a while we can even get ourselves a treat. But, there’s…. not really any saving up for anything. His job doesn’t have any upward mobility either, or chances of a raise over time, so this is all there will ever be for us, if everything depends completely on him. There’s no real hope of anything other than stagnating at “getting by” at best. And to be honest, often we question how to even afford, like, buying clothes and supplies for my daughter as she grows over time. (Like, right now, she just went through a massive growth spurt, and barely any of her clothes fit anymore. And the winters here are *cold*, so she needs something better quick.) Holidays like christmas cause mild panic, especially since it’s basically *required*, where we live, to buy presents for basically *everyone* in his extended family. (At least I don’t have any family in the picture anymore to have to buy presents for, though that means no one to turn to either.) Groceries are often a point of stress as well; we technically *can* afford them, but often we have to trim things out of the grocery cart before actually buying what’s left in it, because we can’t justify everything we wanted to get. Sometimes it’s even an argument between me and my husband.
I don’t even have a dresser for my clothes, I’ve been living out of a suitcase laying open on our bedroom floor for almost two years. My daughter has a dresser but it’s very small, one of the only pieces of furniture I’ve been able to obtain for our home. We have one car, but it’s my husband’s for going to work in, so I have no way to actually go anywhere during day to day things he isn’t around for. We had to turn to outside help for my husband’s agonizing dental issues, and I haven’t even dared find out what it’d take to deal with my own; I’ve just been trying to push the problem off as long as I can get away with it since it hasn’t started to hurt significantly yet. And there’s absolutely no way we can even contemplate ever having a better home than what we have now. Renting some basement apartment.
There’s…. definitely a lot more issues I could list, really. But all of it comes down to, our lives are never going to improve unless I find a way to bring money in. My husband is doing what he can, and the stress of being the only one contributing financially takes a toll on him. He doesn’t hold it against me, but he has passively commented many times about wishing I could get some sort of job or make money somehow. He says it in passive ways but I can tell it hints at how hard it is on him to be the only one holding us up. Between the stress of the problems themselves, my own guilt about what feels like my constant failures for all my life, and the quiet pressure from my husband, I’ve been desperate to figure out how in the world I can bring *anything* in while still having the issues that have had me disabled all these years in the first place. (I used to at least have ssi benefits, but for reasons beyond my control, those went away, unrecoverably.)
I’ve tried to look into a wide array of different online opportunities, but I constantly hit dead ends, whether because they’re extremely low paid, no actual work available, they require specialized skills I just plain don’t have, or because my own issues knock the legs out from under me yet again. I’m so lost. I’m so stuck. I don’t know what to do. I really am just desperate. I’m still trying to look into other things, hoping to find *something* eventually, but, I came across a video that mentioned this site, and just….. I’m not proud. I’ve had to just accept, for years, that I need to ask for help from others. I don’t have *any* of what’s needed to be self-sufficient, so there’s never been any sort of mentality in me of “too proud to accept handouts/help from others.” I’m not above begging. I just see it as doing what needs to be done to get by.
I don’t want to be a nuisance, so I don’t generally ask people unsolicited. But when I hear of a site like this….. I just… I have to try. I’m so tired of feeling lost and hopeless. Like a useless lump that takes resources but can never give back. I know my husband doesn’t see me that way, but I can’t ever shake the feeling of being a burden. *Knowing* I’m a burden, even if just technically. Please. Please. Anything. I’m so desperate. I just want to help my family have a better life. Please. Anything. I don’t want to be so useless anymore. I don’t want to hate myself for being a helpless leech anymore. It hurts. The depression is so intense. I just need to have *something* work for once.
But no matter what happens, whether you give help or not, I will give you this saying from my daughter: Have the best day you can.
But if you do help, with anything at all, you will have my absolute undying gratitude.
Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I wish you all the best.