I thank you in advance for taking the time to read my sob story. I admit I am embarrassed and ashamed to have reached this point, but I cannot seem to fix this on my own. Recent events in my life have left me with emotional, mental, and financial pain. I know there’s many individuals out there that have suffered far more devastation than me, and if you are one of them, I hope you too can rise above and find help.
Last December, my best friend contracted Covid-19 and her pre-existing health conditions caused her to become critical very quickly. For months, she suffered through multiple trials of medications and treatments until all options had been exhausted. Her beautiful soul left this earth early in February and with her, she took a huge piece of my heart. A week after she died, I was again faced with another loss.
Molly was the oldest dog living in a local shelter and obviously looked over and passed on quickly due to her age. We couldn’t leave her there another day and she became a part of our family in 2017. About this time last year we began to notice little masses on her chest. They didn’t seem painful and we kept monitoring them. She had actually developed multiple cancerous tumors that grew in size rapidly. We considered having them removed, but it would of required multiple procedures and there was no guarantee they would be able to excise them all. She was an old gal with arthritic hips-the surgeries wouldn’t be fair. Her teeth started falling out and she had trouble eating. Her legs would give out and she was unable to get up without help. We couldn’t go another day seeing the sadness in her eyes and physical pain she was now suffering. It was time to put her down. I’m glad she spent her last few years in a home and I hope she knows she was loved.
I work full time Monday through Friday at a medical clinic as well as weekend shifts at a local nursing home. It became exhausting working weeks in a row between both jobs with 10-12 hour shifts at the home. My home was a mess, my kids had a part time mom, and I was unable to attend get-togethers with family and friends. I quit the nursing home in the midst of the pandemic. Besides, there was no way I’d ever be able to ever walk in there again, my best friend had also worked there and it would be constant and painful reminder every weekend.
As a nurse, it’s expected of me to make others feel better. By this point, I was unable to adequately care and comfort patients when I couldn’t even help myself. I was angry about my friend, sad about my dog, and in the front seat of an emotional rollercoaster. I hardly ate and began to have nightmares. Eventually I just couldn’t sleep at all. I couldn’t focus or concentrate and decided to take a short term leave from the clinic without pay. I fell into a deeper depression and felt pitiful, helpless…broken. I didn’t have the strength to worry about how to make up for the wages I’d lose.
The financial blows kept piling up with each over-due notice. Alcohol and prescription cocktails helped me to forget but the pain and stress returned when the buzz wore off-but I still didn’t care. Bills continued to pile up faster than the money came in. A couple of months of my “don’t care attitude” had set me so far back. It was shocking at how quickly I had fallen financially, emotionally, and mentally. I had completely lost who I was.
I’ve seen how depression can ruin so much and I could no longer be this unhappy and sad. I needed to get back on track but ashamed to tell my husband. He knew how bad I hurt inside and did everything in his power to help me through. He knew exactly what I was going through after he lost his best friend to a rare and aggressive cancer. Ironically the date of my friends funeral, marked the one year anniversary of his best friends death. We have always keep our finances separate and he had no idea I wasn’t contributing to my portion of the bills. I applied for credit cards, traded in my car for a lower payment, and began selling clothing on internet sites. I knew the root of my problems stemmed from the drinking and depression and I couldn’t overcome those alone. I opened up to my doctor and had medication adjustments as well as began counseling.
I am now back at my full time job but overtime is not an option. I continue to sell clothing online and am an independent stylist for a nail company. Obviously, the more time I’m able to invest, the more money I make. I just cannot dedicate much effort to it yet, but it does help a little. My husband is aware I’ve gotten behind on things but is not aware of just how much debt I’m in. I’m not made a dent and continue to rack up late fees on over-due bills and overdraft fees from my bank. I have exhausted all attempts at being approved for any loans or cash advances.
I thank you in advance for any assistance you can offer and hope to pay it forward as soon as I am able. If I gain nothing financially from this, maybe someone reading this will find hope. If you also are battling with addition or depression, keep going. It’s a hard and painful process but it’s not the end. It’s true what they say, it’s much easier to fail than it is to achieve and don’t be discouraged that some days will be better than others. I’m slowing making progress emotionally and still go through the stages of losing my friend. I try to remember how lucky I am to have her in my life and I know she’s pushing me everyday to keep going forward. I find it comforting to know she’s up there taking care of my Molly girl.