Starting over???
I am 45 yrs young. I could tell you my sob story, but that would take up the whole website, not just this page.
To say I have been through it would be an understatement. I was homeless at 12 left behind on the streets of Manchester, NH. After losing my hero, my best friend and protector (My Stepfather). Yet, I still overcame that and was able to graduate early and move throughout this life loving, kind, honest, compassionate and hardworking. I’m a stroke survivor and a twice over cancer survivor. I was diagnosed at 5 with ADHD, ODD and OCD. But, no matter what this life threw at me, I was able to rise above and keep it moving, not allowing anything to break my stride. (at least emotionally)
I raised 2 kids by myself and their ages are 25 and 19. Both my girls are amazing. No, I’m not just saying that. My oldest is a welder and my youngest is a Souz’ chef. I’m not sure if I am spelling that right. (please don’t tell her)
At 40 years old, my life crashed and burned. My ex relapsed, I had no idea what I was looking at. I was never in the drug scene. I was always busy taking care of people my 2 kids, my biological father, (I had found at 16) his wife who hates me, my sister and her kid, my other sister’s kid. My life was too full for all that noise of the drug scene, always tried to just do the right thing and lead by example.
So, as I was saying, Sorry for making a short story long. So, he relapsed. I thought I could save him. I thought he would come out of it. After a year of arguing and fighting with him. I tried the drugs.
But before I get into that, a little backstory. May 23, 2014, he walked by the hardware store I was running at the time. I was so in love from the second I saw him. I would have moved mountains to know his name. I went out to the VFW that night as I was the vice president of my chapter at the time and there he was.
I couldn’t believe it. From there and for the next 3 years, it was the most supportive and loving relationship I had ever been in. I never felt so loved, supported and respected. AND then he relapsed.(2017)
In 2018, after trying the drugs. He came back to me and was loving again. Yes, we were doing drugs but, I had my heart back. Until I didn’t. 2019, He started mixing the drugs I wouldn’t. I already was shameful, embarrassed and ready to be done. He got really violent, in and out of the bedroom. With the shame that goes with that, I pushed my best friends (my children), my family and anyone/ everyone else. It started out fine, I’ll do the drugs if you stop fighting me. Then turned into well if you’re going to be around, keep me high, so I don’t have to feel the hurt. To ultimately, I had to do the drugs because he had done so much to me that, if I wasn’t high I couldn’t and dind’t want to breathe because every time I breathed I broke and everytime I broke I couldn’t breathe. I’m not sure if you have ever felt like that but it was for the first time my life, the pain, everything was just too big for me.
For the first time, I failed, and I felt like a failure. I failed at love, I failed myself, my kids/family, lost my job, and ultimately I landed in jail for his nonsense. I lost everything and everyone. When I got out of jail, (2020) I had a job waiting for me, I was working on getting my family back, but I wasn’t healed and it showed.
I relapsed after over a year. By 2021 I was in rehab in FL. In 2022, I came back home to NH…. Sober, partially healed and feeling better than I had in YEARS!! I now have 2 years 4 months under my belt of sobriety, I finally got over my fear of losing it all. I recently went back to school to earn my degree in Psychology with concentration in Social work. I want to help battered women and children. I am still healing and on my journey of self.
I was injured at work in 2022 and have been out of work since on workman comp. I am looking for help to buy a laptop for school, get a car as my car has died (like dead, unfixable dead) and I would like to move closer to school as it is costing me a billion dollars a week in car rides and eventually buy a house.
My future plan is to buy a house big enough to open a sober living/battered women’s for women like me, that has lived a hard life and has gone through multiple scenarios of abuse, that want a better life. I am hoping that my life story can help these women, like a survival guide, and give them a safe supportive space to go and heal from life. Hopefully we can learn new ways of succeeding no matter the age, race, or any scenario. Teach them ways to help themselves and each other.
I just want all of us to know we aren’t alone, and we can be happy. I believe this to be my true purpose.