Taking the first step is the hardest part right? And writing these first words has been so challenging for me that it has taken me longer than I care to admit to even begin to do so. My name is Erin. I need help. I’m drowning. I keep telling myself I just need a win. Just one, a real one, if only to know that they still can happen for me. That every win isn’t just a build up for an even bigger let down. But then it is. And im doing all the things, and it still just doesnt work out. If I just had someone who would just even throw a helping hand, shit a helping finger, maybe I could climb out of this seemingly bottomless pit I tell myself, but I have no one. It is myself and my ten year old son. His father can not stay out of prison long enough to even really know him. Which is part of the reason when we were in court for our custody agreement i wrote in that I wanted nothing child support. What do I want from a man who can’t even support his damn self? I don’t want anything from anyone they do not give to me freely. That’s why I have never been on any government aid of any kind. Though I by far qualify for basically any aid they offer. I have worked two sometimes three jobs to get ahead only to have something terrible happen in some outlandish way to crumble everything to pieces.
Since 2019 have lost my father (2019 of cancer suddenly), my fiancée three months before our wedding (2020 of a massive heartattack at 26), my grandfather (2021 covid), and then my boyfriend of over a year committed suicide in my bedroom with his and my son home in 2023. Obviously these has all been very dramatic for not only me but my son. It has caused him to have troubles in school beyond his ADHD and he now has an IEP. He is terrified something will happen to me. It has caused me to lose jobs from absences or tarries. But he is way more important. Until I can’t pay the bills. The only family I have is my mother who is 67 and completely blind (has been since I was 16 and I am now 32) who i also care for and travel to her residence almost every day. She doesn’t know how bad things are right now. She doesn’t need any more on her plate.
The latest chain of disasters started at the end of the summer. It started out great like always I started a new job. My son was starting school and doing well for once. Then his dad came home from prison. I lost that job in October from having to leave or not come in or be late because my son started to be a problem at school once he started seeing his father again which is court ordered via a custody agreement. Or because his dad was suppose to come get him and at the last minute would cancel and then I am left holding the bag. I also started going back to college at this time. The school messed up my fasfa and couldn’t find my previous transcripts so I ended up having to register for a full time schedule of 8 week classes. So like doing it in double time. But since they had messed up my funding I didn’t even get the money to buy the books for the classes until half way through. Which also didn’t matter because I couldn’t afford to pay for my internet or phone to hardly do any of the work required. I live in a tiny town of 200 people where I know no one except one friend. I moved here after getting clean from opioids 2 years ago. It’s not like I can just go use wifi somewhere. I feel so far behind I couldn’t keep up. Between trying to come up with money to survive and evrything else I am failing this semester and I am unsure if they will continue my funding for next semester. Rewind a month to November. I landed a job at a car dealership. I was so excited. I got fired from there on black friday for being five mins late because I haven’t been able to afford to maintain my car and it’s literally falling apart. I was working at a car dealership and the service team couldn’t bother to look at it even when the owner had said to do so almost a week prior and the service head said the car was way to unsafe to drive (he then went on vacation and no one else seemed to care that this was the case). My brakes went out and thankfully I drive a manual so I made it to work still. But I was five mins late. They fired me at the end of the day and have yet to pay me my last paycheck that I should have already received.
I am filling out application after application but I live so far from anything and my car is well basically in ruins. My son is a mess. My bills are over due.
I feel like I am doing everything I should be and I just can’t get above water. I am trying to better my life and I’m scared. So scared I am just failing miserably. Failing myself. My son. I graduated high school top of my class. You wouldnt know it now. I wouldn’t believe you had you told me what my story up until now would entail. And I am at a stand still. I don’t have money to feed my dog at this point. Don’t have money to fix my car if it can be fixed. Don’t have money for not one christmas present for my son who deserves the world and has been through more than any 10 year old should have to bear.
And I don’t know what else to do. I just need a little help. Just something to be able to get a leg up. Hell even a foot up at this point. This is the most humbling thing to have to write this and hope and pray that someone out there can just… give me a way to get through. To do better. Anything. I am at a loss. I don’t really know what else to say. I can provide any other info anyone wants. Any validation that what I have said is true. Anything. Anything.
I just hope someone sees this that feels called to help someone no different than the thousands of other people in the world struggling right now. I saw a video of a man kissing the ground over receiving a bag if flour the other day over seas. It has stuck with me more than i can even say. Meanwhile children in our own country are also starving and cold. I feel selfish for asking for help in a world like that. But here I am. Hoping even one person can. Will. Thank you for your time and compassion. I an sorry this is long but I feel people deserve to know the whole situation and then choose freely to help me or not. I hope you and yours have a wonderful christmas season. Love eachother. Cherish eachother. At the end of it all what else matters?
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