I’d like to start off by saying thank you for reading this message. If you’re taking the time out of your day to read my story I appreciate you showing interest in my call for a miracle. I completely understand that not everyone that reads this is in a position to donate, but if you can please send a prayer my way I know in my heart that god will embrace me for who I am and not what I have done.
Life has been a constant test recently. I have found myself in a position where I’m in between who I was and who I am going to be. I’ve battled with consistency, honesty, selfishness and poor mental health ever since I could remember. To be honest, I can’t say I’ve been happy in over 15 years.
It all started with loss. I’ve lost jobs, loved ones, close friends, feelings, relationships, material items, morals and I am hanging by a thread to the point where I’m about to lose it all. I know that each individual faces problems equal to or much worse than mine and with that being said I’m not here to say my problems are anyone responsibility. I made poor decisions to get me in this position and I want to be honest for a change. As I take an over head view at life I know things will get better soon and staying positive will keep me on a steady pace to move forward.
In January of 2022 I attempted to take my life. I was caught in a life of substance abuse and terrible decisions. Within the span of 9 months I lost two people who I would consider friends and one close friend. The last person I lost was my grandfather at the age of 12 which put a 16 year gap between dealing with true grief. When my buddies passed, I coped just like any addict would and made a horrible decision to use. I had been sober from Xanax for seven years which I was immensely proud of, but my light in sobriety was soon consumed by an unimaginable darkness.
My best friend who I look at as my brother didn’t know what was going on inside me. I had him come by the house to hang out for the day. We had known each other since we were seven years old and met in our grandparents neighborhood. We were the only two kids in that area so it was bound to be a friendship at some point. That friendship turned into him and I doing everything together and we maintained our friendship from kids to adults.
Everything was going well on the outside, but on the inside I felt hollow. Just a shell trying to figure out what to do to make me not feel this emptiness. I didn’t know what the night had in store, but I made a life changing decision. When we got the pills we knew something was off, they didn’t look “right”, but that didn’t stop us from taking them. The last thing I remember from that night was eating dinner on my couch with the ones I love the most and then as quickly as flipping a light switch, I woke up in jail.
I couldn’t recall a single thing after having dinner. So many questions were running through my head and I knew it would be awhile before I got answers. I had never seen jail as an experience that I would have to go through. After a few phone calls I got the questions answered which painted a rough image of what happened during the black out. I was not loyal to my significant other. As I was in this lost moment during the night, my girlfriend decided to check my phone as she had felt something was off. She found pictures of other women, her friends onlyfans accounts and conversations with women as well. It all went downhill from there.
After she found this secret I had been hiding from her our entire relationship, I grew enraged with a flurry of emotions. I had enough. I knew if I lost her I lost the other half of my heart. She ran to get my little brother for help. I grabbed the gun, racked the slide and had a round in the chamber. I was done with my life at that moment. As she made it down the hallway to get my brother, she told me she heard the gun go off.
When they came rushing back in the room I was on the floor, but I wasn’t injured. I’m not sure what happened, but while I was on the ground my eyes had flushed over with a grey hue. My brother ran to grab Narcan as they both believed I was over dosing on this mysterious pills. I was brought back and through the grace of god, he was by my side that night. It wasn’t my time to go. Once I regained consciousness, I took the keys and left. My girlfriend dialed 911 because she was very concerned about my safety and well being of others on the road. Luckily I was only a few blocks away from home when I was stopped and taken to the hospital. I can’t remember any of these events, but once I checked myself out of the hospital I was then taken to the county jail. I knew it was time to change.
I have been working on mental health by seeing a therapist which I am so thankful for. I know what I did was wrong and I’ve learned a valuable lesson from that night, but things still aren’t where I need them to be. I’ve been struggling to keep a steady job. My emotions have gotten the best of me and to make things more complicated, my best friend, my brother of 21 years, the same one who I took the fake pills with that night unfortunately passed last month due to a Fentanyl overdose. I lost my brother and I had to feel this one out. I told myself I wouldn’t let my addiction take me down the hole I experienced that night with him. I dealt with it much better than I thought I would, and it was a major accomplishment to not fall deep into addiction due to his passing.
I’ve been out of a job for the last month and honestly bills are catching up with me. I’m afraid I’m at the point where I’m going to lose it all, including the relationship with the woman I want to make my wife someday. She stayed by my side even after all the pain I caused. Luckily I landed a job starting this weekend and I am expecting a call from the owner of the company tomorrow with my shift details. I’m in between who I was and who I am going to be.
If you have the kindness in your heart and god calls you to this post for a miracle, I would be more than happy to accept any blessings put in my path. I didn’t want to make this post, but I believe god works wonders and has forgiven my for all my sins. I know he can see who I want to be. I’m trying and I won’t stop until I am happy again. Once again I thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my story and may god bless you and yours with open arms.
Past Due Rent and Phone Bill: $3300.00