I am no good with words, and find it hard to put my thoughts into an understandable, coherant sentance, but here goes.
I have been struggling with mental health issues for most of my life. Went to therapy for a couple years before I turned 18, and couldn’t afford it without the state footing the bill. Used what I learned to try my best and live a happy life. And it worked for a while.
The next 5-10 years were decent. Only occasionally had dark thoughts, or a mental break. And had people I could rely on in those situations. People I could call, text, or drive and see that had been through the darkness and could help me see the light. Most of those people are gone now. Either ended it themselves, turned to drugs, or passed due to old age. I am left alone dealing with this, and old tools no longer help.
Fastforward to today, and I have suicidal thoughts daily. No matter what goes on in my life, good or bad, my mind makes me think I am not good enough. That the world is better off without me in it, and I hate myself more and more because of that. I can smile and laugh in public, or with friends, but I know it’s fake. A few of the people I hang out with regularly know it is too. One asked “How are you always so happy? Nothing ever seems to get to you? How do you do it?” And I had to tell him that it’s because it’s all fake. Told him I had been depressed since I was 12 and that I would rather those around me laugh and smile then be sad, or pity me, so I mask my thoughts with jokes and smiles. We stopped talking and hanging out after that. I miss him. I try to change my thinking, to motivate myself to seek help, but theres a voice in the back of my mind telling me that there is no use. No one will help me, and I should just end it.
I have been to a few free therapy sessions over the last couple years, and they help, but it’s like painting over a rust spot. Looks great from a distance, but falls apart under inspection. My mental health is affecting my work, to the point that I just want to lay in bed all day and cry.
I just want to be able to be the happy guy I used to be. To be the man I need to be for my family.
https://paypal.me/MentalHelp42?country.x=US&locale.x=en_US