Addicted student help me pay rehab

I’m a 23 year old medicine student with a serious addiction problem/addictive personality. I was going to write a small piece of text explaining how I got to the low point where I am now, however writing it all down felt pretty liberating so I decided to make it a bit longer.

I am ashamed to be writing this ultimately asking strangers on the internet for money, but I really don’t see a way out of this that doesn’t involve me needing money to 1. Get help fast so that I can keep going with my study and 2. Get financial support for a month or three while I’m in rehab and need to pay my rent etc. I realise that addiction is something way different than what people usually post about on here, but I’m hoping my story will be understood and felt by some of you. I am asking for 5.000€ in order to go to rehab/get a good therapist and help me get through the coming months without financial stress. I promise that I will give it on to the next person needing help, once I’m graduated and am a doctor.

As I am typing this I feel that initial feeling of shame coming back again, but really lingering this time. Thinking about what my future will look like is hard nowadays. I guess that means I’m genuinely scared of how I’ll end up, I feel that I’m on my way to fail in life and I don’t know what to do about it, since it seems to be my character that’s changed. My whole life seems to revolve around two people who I don’t really recognise as me anymore. The version of me writing this to you, full of shame and self-hatred and the version of me drinking, doing all the drugs that he can get his hands on, not sleep for 3 days straight and ultimately blame everyone but himself.

I apparently knew I wanted to become a doctor before I could even pronounce the word stethoscope properly, my mom keeps telling me the story about how my brother and I would get throat and ear infections all the time when we were little kids and how big the difference was, always, between me being super enthousiastic to go and my brother being horrified of the doctor’s office. I don’t remember those early visits to the doctor, but what I do remember is how I became set on a goal to get into med school quite early in life. I wasn’t the best student of my class in high school, I guess I was pretty average, I forgot to do my homework regularly and would only really get Good grades for biology, physics and chemistry. Then again, I had the dedication. Those three subjects are the only three that you really need as a med student in my country, so I focused on those and it turned out I could easily “remember” to do the homework for biology. I would even kinda enjoy doing it. Now this probably sounds like me having been a pretty cringy high school teen being arrogant and feeling too good for classes that I didn’t find particularly interesting, but I wasn’t like that at all. My parents are lower middle class workers who didn’t have the chances to go to uni like I did. I simply wanted to succeed in getting there, studying, and everything else would follow I figured. After all I had real passion for biology and medicine, and I genuinely wanted to know as much about it as possible.

During The first semester of my first year everything felt new exciting and studying was easy. I really felt that I had found my passion and wanted to be surrounded by the atmosphere of the Academic hospital aa much as possible. Some people get icky or nervous in hospitals, for me it’s the opposite of that, it feels cozy almost. Now that I think of it, I think I associate hospitals with my grandma, who was in the hospital a lot when I was young but notably was always in a good mood, I also remember how impressed I’d be when a doctor would come in to talk to my grandma or my dad, I guess these doctors, who were generally very kind, intelligent, authoritative men and women-and often acknowledged my existence and that of my brother by giving us a hand even before acknowledging the editors in the room. I think the firm handshakes of those doctors trained my brain to start associating hospitals with coziness. Anyway, you get the point, I liked studying there. Until the pandemic happened and my countries government decided, of course, that we(the students) had te stay in our tiny apartments/rooms for two years and spend our days watching livestreams of lectures.

Now I really tried to do it. I really tried to watch the lectures, do the work and get up everyday while living alone in a city where I didn’t grow up, and moved a few months prior , But I couldn’t do it. The lack of human interaction and really just basic sensory input, drained the energy out of me. That’s when I started getting tired and decided there was no reason to get out of bed anymore, eating one meal a day instead of 3. I think must have been a month into the pandemic when I gave up on the academic year, luckily I got a job at the covid-testing centre nearby, after about 6 months of being kinda depressed at home. Working was great to keep me occupied during the pandemic and I felt ok with failing the first year because I more or less thought and hoped that everything would be back to normal again the next.

As we all sadly know, this wasn’t the case, the pandemic lasted a whole ass year longer. I had to resume my study or give up my student housing, which would mean living with my parents again. Naïvely thinking I could change my way of living “over night” I started my study up again and failed miserably again due to lack of concentración. I started to doubt myself and started to lie to my parents about how i was doing. I felt really lonely in those two years, I still do sometimes, because I don’t think a lot of people understand me I seem to have all the energy in the word when I’m with s group of people. Yet I’m feeling drsined when I’m alone sitting at my desk watching livestreams. A mother year passed and covid was finally over. That’s when I started to overcompensate…

What came next is addiction and hurting the people that love me by fucking myself up so hard that I didn’t’t care about life anymore. Why do I do this? I don’t know. It’s like every time I used something or drank a lot of alcohol, my brain became more conditioned to be asking for dopamine repeatedly, to the point where I end up not sleeping for 3 days.

I think if you’ve read this far, you’re thinking something in the range of “is this story going somewhere?” Or, “why is this relevant?. “ . It’s relevant because that’s how my brain works apparently. I can’t seem to focus on one thing too long, before branching of to the next one,

like the anecdote I just randomly threw in about my grandma. In the paragraph I ment to put before this one but had to change because my strategy changes half way writing it. I also turn out to be really impulsive and extremely susceptible to addiction. I believe we can conclude from these three obvious that I probably have an attention disorder. This has not been diagnosed nor confirmed by anyone even slightly qualified to do so, since I don’t think a doctor can help me figure out the mess in my head at this point, I’d need to be sober for a while to get diagnosed with Something. Wich is what I want ro work ro.

I’ve told you the story of why I think things went wrong with me. I haven’t told you how I’m gonna fix it yet. Here’s the problem, As I’m writing this I am coming back(sobering up) from 3 days of non stop-partying. I’m writing this with shaking hands on my phone, my vision is blurry and I look like a ghost because my face is white from all the blood vessels in my face being in vasoconstriction . The thing is, my impulsive brain seems to forget about the feelings of being a failure and the hope of still landing my study that I have as soon as I drink a few beers or take any drug, something many functioning people around me do. It’s normalised where I’m from, to the point that you see people using everywhere when you go out. The triggers are everywhere. I think the only way I can ever function as a doctor is if never use drugs again. But to get rid of that habit is gonna be extremely hard to do where I live that’s why I want to go to a rehab clinic far away. I really can’t make my parents pay, I know they will if I ask, but it’s a lot of money for them and I have already let them down so much. Which is why I decided to share my whole story here in the hope that someone rich could relate to it and help me out.

paypal.me/helppls59

I need to get my life under control somehow, If anyone reading this has any good ideas/tips on how to tackle this pls send me an e-mail. I would love to hear ftom people who have experience with addiction/want to talk about their own similar problems With addiction/impulsiveness