As I am typing this I feel that initial feeling of shame coming back again, but really lingering this time. Thinking about what my future will look like is hard nowadays. I guess that means I’m genuinely scared of how I’ll end up, I feel that I’m on my way to fail in life and I don’t know what to do about it, since it seems to be my character that’s changed. My whole life seems to revolve around two people who I don’t really recognise as me anymore. The version of me writing this to you, full of shame and self-hatred and the version of me drinking, doing all the drugs that he can get his hands on, not sleep for 3 days straight and ultimately blame everyone but himself.
I apparently knew I wanted to become a doctor before I could even pronounce the word stethoscope properly, my mom keeps telling me the story about how my brother and I would get throat and ear infections all the time when we were little kids and how big the difference was, always, between me being super enthousiastic to go and my brother being horrified of the doctor’s office. I don’t remember those early visits to the doctor, but what I do remember is how I became set on a goal to get into med school quite early in life. I wasn’t the best student of my class in high school, I guess I was pretty average, I forgot to do my homework regularly and would only really get Good grades for biology, physics and chemistry. Then again, I had the dedication. Those three subjects are the only three that you really need as a med student in my country, so I focused on those and it turned out I could easily “remember” to do the homework for biology. I would even kinda enjoy doing it. Now this probably sounds like me having been a pretty cringy high school teen being arrogant and feeling too good for classes that I didn’t find particularly interesting, but I wasn’t like that at all. My parents are lower middle class workers who didn’t have the chances to go to uni like I did. I simply wanted to succeed in getting there, studying, and everything else would follow I figured. After all I had real passion for biology and medicine, and I genuinely wanted to know as much about it as possible.