My name is Rae and I am the mother of a beautiful adult daughter and three precious grandchildren, and I’m in an emergent situation, literally pleading for help as if my life depended on it. I’m very upset as I’m writing this but I will try very hard to be clear and put it in a way you can understand because this is something that is hard to understand and doing the logical thing often makes it worse (counter intuitive). I’m including a link to a video that describes this in more detail and it’s easily understood. I will be as brief as I can, it’s a lot of critical info. that requires some explaining. Having awareness can change many lives for the better. You’ll understand as you continue.
I am racing the clock as I am facing the most agonizing crisis of my life, a nightmare called parental alienation, and I am desperately reaching out for your help. To protect my daughter and grandchildren from further and potentially more damaging manipulation, and to avoid providing the “Alienator” (my ex, her father) with information that could fuel further brainwashing or a new plan of attack, I felt it best not to include their names. I have, however, created a personal email address so you can email me if you have any questions, want more information, or wish for updates. I will include that at the end with the link of the video I described above. I feel exposing the situation publicly could provide the alienator with ammunition and insight into my efforts to reconnect with my family, potentially making an already dangerous situation much worse. Their need for control and fear of exposure can drive them to escalate their harmful behaviors, and my priority is to keep them safe from further harm.
Parental alienation can be formally defined as a process in which one parent (the alienating parent) systematically undermines and interferes with the relationship between a child and the other parent (known as the alienated, targeted, or rejected parent), often following high-conflict separations or divorces. This destructive behavior is most frequently exhibited by individuals with personality disorders, such as narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, and antisocial personality disorder (sociopathy), and leads to the child’s unjustified rejection or fear of the target parent. Often, the child is made to believe that they are not loved by the targeted parent. These individuals employ various manipulative tactics aimed at turning the child’s emotions and allegiance against the target parent. These tactics can include, but are not limited to, bad-mouthing, limiting contact, intercepting communication, creating false narratives, rewriting history, and rewarding the child for rejecting the other parent. A particularly insidious aspect of this abuse is projection, also known as confession by projection, where the alienating parent attributes their own negative traits, behaviors, and feelings onto the target parent, falsely accusing them of the very things they themselves are doing. This entire process, regardless of the child’s age, is recognized by experts as a severe form of psychological child abuse, as it inflicts profound and lasting damage on both the child and the targeted parent.
As a victim of narcissistic abuse myself it took me a lot of therapy but I have learned how to cope and recognize triggers. However, one is never cured. I can say for myself, it changed me forever. It changed how I view myself and others. It decreased my confidence, which has a huge effect on the decisions I make. Often I don’t feel worthy, so I settle for less and make poor choices, all from the beliefs instilled during and after the marriage. With a lot of help I’ve learned how to stay on top of this so I don’t fall back into that hole again. Therapy has helped so much. It breaks me to know my daughter is going to have issues and need help which is another reason I got to get her out of this and logically one would think I could sit her down, explain and even show evidence but parental alienation is counter intuitive in so many ways, and by doing that would more than likely make it worse. Remembering my experiences push me more to get her out of this which is so frustrating because she believes the lies her own father instilled in her in a very covert and sneaky well thought out planned way. This is why it gets missed by the untrained eye. This includes therapists, judges, lawyers, almost everyone who isn’t trained to see it. As her mother, my responsibility is to protect my child, at any age, and after learning just 2 years ago what this is and getting educated as this situation is rapidly declining and I am almost phased out, I am doing just that.
For years, since my divorce from her father when she was just five, he has systematically poisoned our relationship. It wasn’t until recently that I fully understood the devastating truth: this was a deliberate, calculated campaign to turn my precious daughter against me. An example, age 6ish giving her a bath I was teaching her in a fun way the names of the bones in the body (double dipping as I was taking pre-reqs prepping for nursing school.) “Now lets wash your patella” we’d laugh and suds up her knee (patella is the knee cap) then she said out of the blue, “Daddy says we cant be a family anymore cuz you moved us away” I recall that like yesterday, now imagine messages like that for years and still going on in adulthood. Of course I’d confront him and he’d deny, as if she’s making it up. What I thought was a insult to me was really part of the “big plan” ending in her rejecting me completely. She now feels she has a mother who doesn’t love and care for her so she clings and “sides” with the one parent that she thinks does because she wants at least one good parent. See how sick and heartbreaking this is? Now, decades later, the insidious seeds of his manipulation have taken root. My adult daughter, the vibrant, loving child I raised, has been turned against me. She believes lies, accusations so outlandish they twist the very fabric of our shared history. Her husband, also caught in this web, stands with her. The pain of seeing my daughter’s face, hearing her voice, yet knowing the words are not her own, is a torment beyond description.
The urgency of my situation is critical. The last time I saw my daughter and grandchildren was at the beginning of February. (the longest time ever not seeing them) Since then, contact has been basically cut off. I texted her a couple nights ago saying I was thinking about her and I loved her. I rarely get a response, that’s okay, I know it’s important to show her I’m here always and my love is unconditional. I recently received a stark email from her that her and her husband have a meeting with me. I’m running from it. I said I need some time, she was okay with that but I am not allowed to see or speak to my grandkids until after this meeting takes place. This feels like a harsh ultimatum, holding my relationship with my grandchildren hostage. Knowing I have done nothing to warrant this treatment, this demand underscores the manipulative control being exerted and the desperate need for me to understand how to navigate this situation with professional guidance before I face them. Over the last 8 years, when her father re-entered her life again (he’s always been hit-and-miss), it crept back in gradually, and it wasn’t until two years ago that she accused me of doing something I could not even think up on my own. I could see she believed what she was saying, and it was then that I sought help and found out about Parental Alienation, “A severe Case” It wasn’t until then that I could see all the other things he did that fit right in, changing what I thought was just badmouthing to realizing he was working a plan to destroy me, using the one I love the most as the weapon. I learned that divorcing a narcissist causes them a severe narcissistic injury, and they will get you back. There is no expiration date; they will wait for decades for the perfect time to move in. Now, today as I write this, I’m in crisis. It’s moving so fast, and my biggest fear I feel is around the corner, and I have to stop it. As I mentioned before it’s counter intuitive, and most regular counselors miss this unintentionally; they just aren’t trained. This must be handled by trained specialists, and I need one now. I’ve seen a few in the past if I could afford it, and it was tough; it set me back, but I needed it. However, a few visits here and there are nowhere near enough. I have hundreds, maybe into the thousands, of hours in self-education online, podcasts, videos, and books, but the best is an expert who knows this specific situation and can guide me through and properly advise. I can’t mess this up. Then she is going to need a lot of help I’ve been advised. This makes sense as she’s been affected for over 20 years. I beat myself up – how come I never heard of this, or why didn’t a counselor I saw back then warn me? I’m told they probably didn’t know of it or how to recognize it either. I think of all the targeted parents who dont know of this and are beating themselves up, they cant figure why their child/children want nothing to do with them. I learned a lot take their like. There has got to be more awareness. It’s in motion though.
Here I am now; I haven’t seen my grandkids since the beginning of February. I wasn’t allowed to see them to give them their Valentine’s gifts; I can’t see my daughter either, and last week found out they bought a house and are moving in probably as I write this. I can’t go see it. We all live less than 15 minutes apart (including her father). I can’t connect with them until this requested meeting, a strict term they made. Please understand, this is so not them to be demanding with harsh conditions and “or else…” consequences, that’s all from the narc alienator, I know that! I also know it’s going to be like past meetings where all I got out of it was they believed these crazy, horrible lies, and if I tried to defend myself, I was made to feel I wasn’t taking responsibility for my actions. Again, my ex’s words coming out of their mouths. It sickens me to see them controlled like this, like a ventriloquist and a puppeteer and I could predict what they were going to say next before they actually said it. It was agonizing. That example is in the video I linked below, I really hope you watch or listen to, it’s good info to know. They are wonderful caring people with good morals and believe in helping people and have a strong Christian faith. They are gone now and replaced with an evil monster who’s using them as weapons. So, I am running…desperately looking for help before this meeting. I’m sure there’s some bad story as to why it’s taking me so long to meet with them…like I must be guilty, that’s why I haven’t met with them. I need help. I need to get help for them. I feel I’ve got one foot out the door already and its moving so fast.
What if I say something wrong when we meet and that’s the last straw? I know its coming if no intervention takes place. What to say or not say at this meeting? What to do next? I wanna get this moving but in the opposite direction and fast because my ex knows I’m onto him and the sooner he gets me kicked out of the family the sooner he can take a deep breath and think he’s won. Yes, it’s about winning with these folks. I was thinking maybe this person can attend the meeting with me and help navigate via skype or zoom. What I do know is I can’t just sit them down, tell them whats really going on and expect them to go “oh, okay thanks for the information” and everything will turn around for the good. No, I did learn that’s NOT what to do, again, its counter intuitive that will do more harm from what I understand. I don’t know exactly how it’s done, but I know if I take it in my own hands I’ll screw it up. She’s had enough and no chances should be taken, only absoules and proven methods. They need and deserve the truth, but they are truly brainwashed (speaking of her husband as well); they drank the Kool-Aid, and de-brainwashing is much like those who were in a cult and that’s all I know. I can’t navigate this on my own, no matter how much I learn. I am terrified. I feel like I am standing on the precipice of losing them forever. I will not let that happen. I’m stating that and believing that.
I know I’m probably jumping around. Please forgive me. I’m just all wound up over this. I hope I’m making sense. It is too hard to write what I have recently seen in my oldest grandchild who is 10 so I’m just not going to. I’m sure you’re getting the idea how many lives, innocent lives this affects. My heart aches knowing the long-term damage this is causing all of them. I know my daughter is trapped, brainwashed into believing a false narrative. Deep down, I believe the loving connection we once shared still flickers. I have to fight for her. I have to fight for my grandchildren. It’s innate. She would expect this if she was there. She has slipped away. I know this because I know her. She’s not there. Her father is controlling her.
Again, I cannot do this alone. Parental alienation is a complex form of psychological abuse, and it requires specialized intervention. I desperately need to consult with a therapist experienced in this specific area before this crucial meeting. I need guidance on how to navigate this minefield, how to speak my truth without triggering further alienation, and how to lay the groundwork for reunification therapy – therapy that my daughter, grandchildren, and son-in-law will desperately need to heal from this trauma. I love them all so much; I can’t lose them.
The stark reality is, I have exhausted all my resources. I chose to step away from my nursing career to protect patients during my own mental health struggles. I loved nursing and truly cared but felt in my emotional state I feared making a mistake and causing harm. It’s the right decision, but it has left me financially vulnerable. Driving for rideshares barely covers my living expenses, let alone the exorbitant cost of specialized therapy, evaluations, and eventual reunification. Estimates for this crucial support range from $12,000 to $30,000 – a sum I cannot even fathom right now. This is an estimate and depends on the severity of the damage, based on charges I have paid for the few sessions I could afford. One single session ranges from $200-$350 (the one that charged $350 was a 45-minute session). I included reunification therapy, which is separate and involves working through the issues from the abuse and bringing the relationship back together. I feel horrible for her. Imagine learning your own father abused you and did so willingly to break the bond between her and me, her mother. I can’t imagine the pain she is going to feel. I never told her about my abuse because I didn’t think it would affect her. He wasn’t around much, and I naturally paid very close attention to her actions and words when he was around. I never, ever, ever would believe he would use her and brainwash her, but looking back now, I see his rude comments were really little stabs one at a time hurting her to turn me into the “bad” parent he must protect her from. It’s sick!
This is also breaking a cycle of abuse that has spanned decades. It’s about giving my daughter and grandchildren a chance at a healthy, loving future, free from manipulation and lies. This is generational and will continue unless it’s recognized and stopped.
The links below include my email and link to that very informative video. It is accurate with its info (I always check my sources.)This is more common than people think and has been going along since marriage, happens in intact families as well. You or someone you know may very well be going through something like this, and if you don’t recognize what it is, you’ll fall right into the trap and believe the things your own kids tell you when it’s really coming from the abuser. If you don’t recognize it or didn’t know it existed, your kids will continue to be abused. Maybe somebody reading who doesn’t talk to one of their parents might take a second look. This is very possible, many people never find out and live their lives under the control of the abuser while the protector is pushed out. They want that parent out because they know too much and might expose them. They know what they are doing and they know its wrong, very wrong!
Feel free to email me. I will answer any questions and help guide you if you need help or if you’re not sure. If I don’t know, I’ll find out. I will respond to you. There is help and support. No parent or child should ever have to go through this. It is literally hell, in my opinion, a nightmare you don’t wake up from. Knowledge truly is power. Awareness is where it starts. You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge. Thank you so much for reading this, I know it’s quite long and I truly appreciate it.
I am begging you, from the depths of my soul, please help me help them. Your contribution, whatever the size, will be a lifeline. It will allow me to start this process that I can’t do on my own. I have never done anything like this. I am out of options at this point. Your compassion will never ever ever ever be forgotten!
With a hopeful yet desperate heart,
Rae, Loving Mother and Grandmother “Gi Gi” in Crisis
Video Link: Parental Alienation Explained: https://youtu.be/tecX9fTMmi8?si=U0ydl2Dv5VA59BL If you have any issues with the link, look up “The truth about Parental Alienation, Teal Swan” (There is also a part 2 containing more detail for the targeted parent.)
My email: svbz1148@gmail.com
**Please also consider sharing this campaign with anyone you know who might be able to help or who may need to learn about the devastating reality of parental alienation.