I am 36 years old. I grew up in foster care from the ages of 4-18, due to reports of physical and emotional abuse. I lived with the same family for 13 years, always on the fringes of family life and never fully included. Shortly after I turned 18, I was promptly kicked out of my long-term placement because they “couldn’t handle me anymore”.
For a bit of background, the worst thing is did was steal packs of cigarettes or money to buy cigarettes (back when it wasn’t extortionate and you could still buy 10 for less than £2 😅). Now if that makes me a terrible person that deserved to be told they have 10 minutes to put what I can carry into some bin bags and go then carry on, I guess.
I have been in survival mode my entire life. I don’t think I realise until in my late twenties, that I have struggled with the diagnosis I received from my gp at age 26/27 of “severe depression and anxiety” since I was about 15. At 30, I realised that I was trans, and have since made some progress to becoming my authentic self. Most days I still hate my body, it doesn’t fit right, but I’m a work in progress.
Fast forward to present day. I’ve lost count how many different antidepressants I’ve tried, how many hours of counselling and therapy I have been to. Nothing seems to ‘stick’, it’s cyclical. I have good days and bad days, just like everyone else, except my bad days are a living hell, especially recently.
I haven’t been able to shake the thought of ending my life as easily as I could before. Its not flitting from one idea to the next, it’s one constant thing, that is very real and can easily be done if my suicidal thoughts overwhelm me enough.
I am so tired of fighting every single day. I live in the most deprived area in Scotland and very much in poverty, living paycheck to measly paycheck and always overdrawn in my bank account.
I’m asking, as a last ditch attempt, for help. I know they say money can’t buy you happiness, but it sure as hell can help. I want to know what it feels like to be financially safe, I want to know what it feels like to go on a holiday outside of Scotland, for once in my life. I want to be able to learn how to drive, and have a car, and get away from this miserable place before it kills me. I just want to feel…happy.
Thank you for reading.