I log into facebook and just want to tell everybody everything that is going on with me. Everytime I go to update my status, I delete it right away and think that’s just drama or that’s just depressing. We all have a story, we all have our struggles but when is it going to end. I can’t get over hoping that someday I will be on top of the world. I will be able to give my children all that they deserve. I have 3 wonderful children. They have their moments just as any teenager would but I have been blessed. Dacqurri, my precious Dacqurri. He’s my world, he was the answer to all my childhood prayers. He works so hard in school to get into college and is an amazing cook. He shoots for the top everytime. He is an amazing writer. He’s been writing stories since he was six years old. He has a temper but is doing very well controlling it. He’s been through so much. Hormone change was his worst years but he came up from it, on top, as usual. Then I have Ethan. Ethan is my autisitc son who was non-verbal as a small child and thank God to PlayStation who taught my amazing son to speak more clearly and more often. Therapy was amazing and helped a lot but the PlayStation life is what did it for him. Not only did it help him become more verbal but also taught him to read and spell. Video games is the answer to any nonverbal child.. LOL! He still doesn’t feel comfortable in a room full of people but has come a long way. Now on to Kira. Kira as a small child would freak out if you left the room without hugging her or telling her you love her. I really miss this. At the time it was bad. I would leave for work after hugging her and telling her bye 5 or 6 times, get about a mile down the road and have to turn around to give her one last hug because she was crying and so upset she didn’t get one more hug. My daughter is a little me and mostly my best friend combined. I believe in her and all that she believes in. She is amazing and impresses me more and more each day. Although she will not hug me and tell me she loves me anymore, I know she does.
I have worked day in and day out, most of my adult life has been spent working and missing all the wonderful milestones my children have gone through. I have spent years working two jobs or 12 hours a day at one job, even trying other things to make more money like Uber. My main job I have had for the past 13 years. The job I will never be good enough to make a living at. But that’s all I know. I have gone for better paying jobs and get rejected. These jobs just don’t see what they are getting by hiring me. Someone who never takes a day off, someone who can make what they do brighter and better. Everybody always suggest to take a telemarketing job but that’s not me. I can’t sit on the phones all day for commission and make nothing. My anxiety can not handle telemarketing.
My husband. My husband is mentally sick. I have taken care of him most of our 17 years together. Over the last couple years I quit working 2 jobs to put some of the responsibility on him. To help him become a man, a father. He just doesn’t get it. He’s so worried about how other people feel about him and anything that is said to him at these jobs he takes it personally and walks off the job or gets himself fired. He’s not a nice person. He gets so angry and says stuff I know he doesn’t mean but he says them often. He tells me almost daily he hates me. He has stopped saying it to the children when he’s angry. It’s like he’s mentally only 7 years old. Someone jokingly says he’s a dummy or something silly he gets defensive and starts making you feel like you aren’t worth living or having an opinion. Anyways 100 jobs later over the last 2 years he just got fired once again. It’s sick. I don’t know what to do.
Over the next couple of weeks my children and I are going to be on the streets. My husband and I have agreed we don’t need to continue you with each other. It’s become unhealthy for me and the children. All of my children over the last couple of years have at one point wanted to kill themselves because of his immaturity. We would live in my car but I’m 3 months behind on my car payment and at any moment the car will be gone. Over the past few months, knowing this day was coming, as tears fall down my face looking for teen homes to send my children to just so they can go to school and have a bed to lay in at night and a way to shower, I myself have thought about ending my life. I just can’t see myself living without my children. “A CRY FOR HELP!” I created a Go Fund Me page hoping I would be able to raise some money to get a fresh start. Start our lives over without my husband. To move far, far away. This was just a fantasy. Who am I kidding. Everybody is struggling. Who is going to help me?
This is my life, this is my struggle and over the next couple weeks we will just be another family on the street. The way it was designed to be. But it wasn’t from me not busting my butt everyday and working without calling out of work in the last 17 years. Never taking a sick day, never taking a vacation. It just is what it is.