Life has a funny way of throwing a curve ball when you least expect it. One thing for sure, is I never in my life would have expected that I would be posting for financial help. It is strange to be typing out reasons as to why I need money assistance from strangers.
Let me be clear, I don’t believe my financial problems are anyone else’s equation to solve. I’ve gotten myself into this mess, and I’m working (literally all the time) to solve and clear my debts. I have two jobs, and devote myself to making money in every way possible (i.e. garage sales, temp jobs, eBay, etc). I also do not believe my problems are the most important on this website: I’ve read many of the stories here, and there are genuinely others that would need the money more than I would at this moment. While I am crying for help, I’m not in an emergency situation, just a sad and depressing one.
I’ve been told to not be afraid to ask for help, so I am taking this advice, albeit slowly, and sharing my story. If I can at least get a little peace of mind with sharing or find someone who can relate to my story and that I’m not alone, then I will be satisfied.
Let me just start off by saying that I have Major Depressive Disorder with manic episodes and I live in probably the worst state to have such a mental illness. Alaska is dark for six to seven months of the year and has no outlet for people unless you like the great outdoor life. While I love the snow, I’m not super adventurous with skiing, snowboarding or Snow Mobiles. I’m also not a super fan of being outside in the pitch black. I’m sure that you see where his is going….I will be the first to admit that the depth of blackness scares me. If I can’t see in front of me, then I’ll just stay inside.
I try my best to keep busy with work and school (I’m on my last semester of Business School-The debt sucks, but I’m excited to have been able to complete something in my life that can potentially help me in my future), but during the winter I mostly keep indoors and that will sometimes drive me crazy. To cope, I have travelled to the lower forty eight at minimum four times a year for the last three years. It’s expensive and I genuinely cannot afford it, but I also can not box myself in this dark, miserable state without going crazy. I have pulled back on traveling because I cannot afford additional travel with the debt I’ve accrued and luckily I have been able to manage my depression with other outlets: Painting, Violin, playing on a dart league, socializing, and exercising. I wish I was able to come to this conclusion of balancing my life before I spent a lot of money, but it really was a learning curve. Throw in my unmedicated MDD / mania and I wasn’t living within the realm of logic, but within the realm of YOLO/I’m trapped, get me out.
Speaking of mental health, I have worked in outpatient mental health (medical) for ten years. There is a reason why I decided to pursue a Business degree, working in mental health has been detrimental to my own personal mental health. First, you really don’t see how screwed the working class are in regards to insurance/assistance/taxes until you work in community healthcare. It’s not pretty. YES, there are genuinely, severely ill people who need the SSI/Medicaid/Disability. I have so many patients that I love and will spend every waking moment at work getting them the needs they deserve, but then there are the people who are trying to take advantage of disability and will be the most challenging “patients” you will ever have to deal with (I have been called a Bitch and a Cunt so many times by patients when I’m just the messenger saying a disability application cannot be completed per the provider as they are able-bodied). It sucks that there are people who have to ruin it for others who genuinely need the assistance.
My own health is questionable but I’m working on it slowly. As slowly as I can afford at the moment. I’ve had many instances of migraines/IR heart rate and palpitations/dizziness. This is mostly anxiety induced (I think/ or at least hope). I have not had the best of luck with doctors in Alaska. I tend to just get the run around and pay money for nothing.
I also recently had to put my dog of ten years down. Raised him from a puppy and genuinely considered him as my child (and wow, I just started crying as I write this) . It’s amazing how impactful this was, I didn’t think it would be this hard but boy was I foolish to believe I would be ok. I had to euthanize him in March as he was literally asphyxiating because of a severely collapsed trachea. I didn’t even know that was something that could kill a dog. I still cry, whenever I think of him, whenever I see his pictures and whenever I talk about him. This was a life that I was wholly responsible for and who depended on me for everything, and he LOVED me so purely. I feel like I failed him as a owner and I definitely have not fully finished grieving his death. I still wake up believing he is alive and am disappointed when the realization sets in that he is no longer next to me. I am still paying off the bill I had to pay for the emergency vet and his euthanasia. $2200. It’s so gut wrenching and morbid the amount of money that is required to ensure that your loved ones receive the best when they die and that their corpse is taking care of in a way that is respectful. I feel taken advantage of, but he deserved the world. Fun fact: the veterinarian where my dog was put to rest just recently starting requesting tips on all their payments. I would have lost my mind if I had seen that as I was paying for him to be euthanized. Seriously, why the hell would I give a tip for that, especially when I was already paying so much money. “Sorry your dog is dead, don’t forget to tip”. Next thing in life will be tipping our doctors when we already cannot afford it (Just you wait and see).
With all this information I’ve provided (there is more, but I could write a novel), I’m sure you have come to the conclusion that my ultimate goal is to move away from Alaska.
I am almost done with my business degree, and I plan to work for the next year and a half to save money, pay as much debt as I can and get out of this state. It only brings me down the more I live here (Mentally, Socially, financially). I was brought here via my military family and I’m ready to move on and put this life behind me and start a new. The struggle is actually starting anew.
I am currently $65,000 in debt. That is including school loans and credit cards. I am the only one responsible for my self and bankruptcy will literally kill me and put me further away from the possibility of moving.
I have no set amount that I am requesting, any dollar amount will help me with my goal (yes, even a dollar).
If I would have a main goal, it would be to get rid of the fees and debt I incurred when I had to euthanize my dog, Teddi ($2200). Ironically, I don’t even like going into my Care Credit to make the minimum payment as I get immediately weepy.
If you made it to the end of this, I applaud your perseverance and I also thank you for reading. I know it was a lot, and yes, absolutely there is more to the story that was left out, but I’m sure not everyone will want to read my adult life story and would only want my goal. Anyone is welcome to email me for further clarification.
Even if I receive no monetary donations, having the ability to type and post part of my story has been the most relieving and cathartic moment I have had recently.
Thank you everyone,
Ps: I’m a little sad it won’t let me post more pictures. If you are a veteran to this website, let me know if there is a secret.