Hello, My name is Koda I appreciate those who cared to spend their time on me and my story. I’m mentally and it’s been a hard struggle to live through it, I’m doing so much better then I ever have thanks to Jesus and God hearing my prayer and my serious attempt to go to the doctora praying for the right doctor for me who understands me and can help me. Blessed I was though I ran out in a panic cause I told God with his guidance I’ll do my part and try and was told I would see the doctor and the man I saw wasn’t the doctor frozen and stiffened eyes on the floor fear and anxiety becoming unbearable for I needed to leave and suffered from these symptoms and tried to be treated but couldn’t get myself to go forth. I would become trapped in a paralyzed stance not moving emotionless trying to not panic and make a scene adding to the humiliation of being stuck unable to move my body or have it act the way I wish and never understood what the feeling and cause was making it happen to me… I would scream beg and plead to myself to just do what I needed to do but unable to. If I needed to say something and I froze I knew that I needed to act and speak up to say something like I need to use the bathroom having the thought ahead of time going over how I would say it and freeze and go silent most times only a soft whisper would come out. I kept getting worse in age and used to love playing outside and going all over without a care and I didn’t feel the nervous anxious dread before I felt sketchy when k was little but not fear. But I hit my head and had to go to the hospital and had blood on my brain from falling off my skateboard flying down this huge hill one night coming home and got speed shakes seeing gum ball spikes and having to bail and failing hitting my head on the asphalt missing the grass and dirt and I was 14 I think and when I got to school I noticed a feeling I never felt before and it was unsettling and I got a lot of attention from everyone witch I never seen happen before but it terrified me to the frozen stiff body and my I couldn’t move on command anymore and knowing I needed to but the attention with anxiety felt for the first time caused what I would find out at a psych ward from a suicide attempt and broke down on the nurse having a panic trying to tell her I wasn’t okay and to say that scared me but was true I couldn’t move my body at times and I didn’t know or ever hear about it? And to me my body was betraying me and causing me to feel uncomfortable in my own skin and people asking if I was okay and I had no idea what was happening and when I got diagnosed at the ward the nice lady was correct. And I been suicidal since I was 12 thinking my parents were fighting cause something I did and I remember just knowing I caused them to be mad and fight and I was the youngest and even as a baby no one liked me and no one would play with me on a hill full of my cousins and brother and sister and brother and always unwanted a life time curse apparently….

See I have boarderline personality disorder and it intensifies emotions and abandonment hurts the worst yet only had the pain once when my mother moved out leaving me with broken promises and refused to stay a little longer with me cause I didn’t know this type of sadness and I couldn’t shake the depression witch I have major depressive and I didn’t know about myself until I was out into a psych ward but I was so happy I wasn’t just crazy and there was a reason I was the way I was and I was on celixa and it made me a fake happy happiness but my sister in my excitement to know told her what I had and she told me that boarderline personality disorder was a very bad thing and that she wouldn’t be wearing that around and I took it as the insult it was and did away with my medicine was making me poop liquid and fake concern about my happiness and weirded out by me being happy extremely so. But It wasn’t me and I wasn’t crazy as my sister said and distanced myself from the medicine unbeknownst I was gradually getting worse and worse freezing up and begging myself to move cause the humidity while keeping a blank face cause nothing is bothering me I tried to show while dying of humility flustered and upset. Cause I became no one not even a face or body I thought I was enjoying myself so many times of it happening. And truly no one understands and they can’t ever truly know and felt a bunch of emotions intensifying and trying to keep a brave face and not seemed bothered slowly fading away and becoming forgotten many many times to not being noticed and left out or being near by and overbearing conversations about me more times then i wanna remember and someone wanted to have my friend leave me behind because I wasn’t liked for not being able to say much or move around and saw as boring weird and bad kid having been blamed by others doings but unable to speak up or defend myself I always got chewed out taking everything frozen stiff and social anxiety and embarrassment from being stuck quite and never not feeling my skin crawling anxious for no reason and I became my worst going to the doctor and telling him I tried to kill myself having a panic attack and shaking uncontrollable not cause I was on anything but cause i been overdoing trying to overdose and hanging and more just trying to escape myself and the humiliation being seen and in public outside my house and it’s simple for us…. We don’t have major depressive disorder bpd and what else. But if I had more then one person around my body would lock up and I’d go silent and over long periods of time of agoraphobia people would see it on my face somehow knowing to ask me if I was okay and I would get sweaty faint throw up cause I never could get rid of my anxiety that shows and never left and I started to quite going outside stopped wanting anything for I couldn’t help my body wouldn’t move and I didn’t want to show a brother I started isolating myself to my room spending my time my dad liked to show his disgust by making signs when I came into the room or coming back… and it hurt and kept me in my room even more because I been feeling useless and a burden a failure fold to get over it it’s all in your head doctors more pysch ward….. I just want to die always feeling depressed and freezing up and becoming known as the big guy with the hunched back and my shoulders just was a sign I’m falling apart and giving up on life carrying myself around anymore I dunno why I even would follow Angkor s they did didn’t like that huh? I spent every day miserable and envious of everyone able to move freely and act so free but even in public and viewing from my area watching everyone have fun and play having fun and enjoying themselves and anyone ever tried adding me to and I just couldn’t move and I became a let down one to many times and it was harder and harder to want to laugh but don’t want to be seen or draw attention to myself it’s without even hiding a smile or laugh and I never was liked and I didn’t talk do anything bjt get suck and panic and I’m 6-6 260 and I was big as a kid and I wanted to play how everyone did me and I kept causing issues by accident and pointed out embarrassment stuck wanting to leave but couldn’t and it’s madness more so when you cast our what I had I remembered two but the third I didn’t wanna be scary or more awkward and I did and more depressed and forced to watch my dad die if Colin cancer watching him quickly wither away and I couldn’t act like it was okay any more and it was hurting me to see him and pretend everything was okay and mom being wicked evil and disrespectful saying crap behind his back telling me he looks disgusting and she couldn’t stand to sss blm and I was 24 hated my dad but   tried to convince him and he hadn’t a job but made 800 dollars a week from my sister who would know if he was sick and and said nothing did nothing but drop her kids off and dad tried to murder me for defending my little nephew from dad cussing him and yelling and he grabbed a tape gun and tried to shove the sharp teeth Into my throat and my elbow stopped it and started spasming and twitching after disarming him and poor nephew catch a hit on the head and I’m to be blamed das saying look what you made me do??! Not like he tried and said he was gonna kill me and attempted for standing up to him cussing his grandson and not long after that I yelled at him telling him to stop taking his anger on those babies cause he wouldn’t go to the hospital and he went that day…..and I went to visit him in the hospital and he wanted me and my sister to promise his inheritance of the property if sold goes to mom so she could get her a house she always wanted and he wanted to give her and he thought I would steal it mom did too and I knew not to trust my sister from her manipulation attempt to convince me to convince mom when she’s old to let Jessi invest her money…. Saying when she is old and deceptive… and when dad passed she shows up with the youngst child comes to me with a smile asking if I killed my dad and saying it was okay if I did as im looking at his body that she covered with a blanket having mom do the same and mom didn’t even care I was asked that when my father is dead and I prayed for mercy for dad I was falling apart and threaten to be kicked out if I didn’t stay and help watch over him and I had been by the man who attempted to kill me not long ago choked me as a child beat me and only me and made me feel worthless by being in his presence and I tried to comfort mom I heard her screaming and I must have just went to sleep and impressed God answered my prayer so fast and grateful his suffering was done and I was pushed away by mom told to go get uncle clay……. And I did and I wasn’t allowed to grief for my father  and was sent away trying to comfort my mother comfort my mother told to fetch his dick head. Brother and when I tried to talk to my mother and sister while they discussed things I was told to go play with the babies by my sister and mom agreeing I wasn’t allowed to be sad or be seen and told to play with a baby and my father just died I now been sent away twice not allowed to mourn with them or even try to help I wasn’t wanted around by my own family just used to help my father die and I remember mom never sat near him and sat behind him talking shit and my sister coming twice while he was on his deathbed one to watch a movie to say she did that with her dad? And she brought fui putting it in front of date at the table eating in front of the man who’s stomach has to be pumped and is withering into a human skeleton and no love of sympathy for him I spent most of the time with him and asked to sit with him one night cause he wanted to hold my hand and it was dark quite and the dimness of the tv in the dark painted a sad moment of realization he is dying and his wife is mad and bitter at him talking behind his back taking it as a joke it seemed calling her friend and her friend down from tienesse the night dad came home putting him isolated in there room and having me take care of him and he grabbed my arm and it scared me cause I was trying to keep calm and what I witnessed from mom and heard she needs someone for her and puts hospice dad isolated to hang out with her friends rather then her dying husband and I was the only one trying to help and comfort dad…. And I hated him yet seeing how he was being treated on his death bed left alone and mom out of his sight hiding and getting him out of bed super frail and laughing saying help when he has hoses coming out of him and he is skin and bones I need to sleep so I can properly take care of him cause it was me and mom and she already wasn’t taking it well or serious and I remember telling dad the drops was to help him enough said he didn’t want them but he didn’t need to remain awake and be held on very strong man and I had to give him the drops that could hasten death but I only did so for he didn’t need to be awake for this meaning alone with his wife behind him and I had to tell her to sit by him and be his wife and I had no medicine and it was killing me emotionally mom was forcing me to help or I would be removed couldn’t have a nurse one night and she is yelling this as I’m mortified crying unable to hide the pain of seeing him like that the day he did die and my sister made mom get her knowing dads dying and keeps mom away and dad asking where she was a lot an I’m telling her I think he might be ready to go he is calling for you and a hour later. Returning home just her  meaning she never mind….

So I’m not letting my sister manipulate me and I’m not taking moms money or after it but know my sister is and now moving mom out of the house that mom let fall apart and is complaining about it and becoming abusive to me with punches slapping my knuckles with a back scratcher when j try to talk to her and she’s ignoring me always does and I’d tap her and get slapped hard and she is careless grieving she says telling me and crying to me and telling me these things I don’t care to hear since I can’t talk about my feelings cause she has to much she’s going through and I been trying to help her and never allowed to talk about anything and attacked by her saying I hated him didn’t love him yet I took care of  the man who tried to kill me gave him peace by forgiving him as he asked giving mom my half of the inheritance when it comes and trying to protect her and make her see my sister is just using her and manipulating her and she held the title for years after saying she  really needed to sell my car she gavE me and taken away to sell and skts and the tag missing for years keeping me unable to even to drive mom telling me she has to much anxiety or next weekend x3 and then going with my sister on my drive days told to get uncle Richard to ride with me and he is dying almost did and he had diabetes and sister took my car for months saying she’s selling it and it sat there even longer and she moves mom out abandons me and didn’t keep her promises mom won’t even say with me for a minute and comes by telling me how pathetic I’m being to grow up after she had did all that sent me to jail cause she refused to admit Jessi did me wrong and siding with her clearly and moms offering me a car now but I want mom to admit Jessi has her controlled cause she’s a narcissist and been after the money and I say mine mama declares hers and I kept warning mom Jessi really is going to see papa it and doesn’t stop by I knew it mom didn’t see it until no one told her the land sold they just started moving out leaving me and mom for dead basically I was abused and jailed bones broke called such hurtful things and crude jokes towards me and hate and Jessi showed her self  and I told mom now she really sounds like it and I could have taken my sisters social security card number just there downstairs and box open yet I stopped my ways and had Christ even having to Write fear not for you are blessed message for mama who was throwing a fit and Jessi sent her to papas house showing papa I told you she isn’t what you think and he gave my sister and 15 other aires there checks  it not me and Chris a shit person just showed up grabbed it and left…… and clay Richard and papa decided not to tell me that Jessi stole the no money I already knew and Jessi I cried to papa on Christmas Eve and kicking me out thankfully I knew didn’t expect my sister to buy herself a house with moms money and mom’s devastated and I had to move her into her new house by myself along with take care of dad tey my best to tell her jessi wanted her money and mom told her sister is Jessi just asked for her half she could of had it?!?!!  That’s a fucking fact and I  couldn’t have My half at all yeah said that right in front of me a damn lie and disrespectful wicked thing to say after after I told her  and told her beat and broke my bones hurt my feelings treat me like shit ignore me and I have conversations with myself talking to you mom and I shave to listen to the mope years after about jessi and it was you trusted her more then me and probably have her my half so I didn’t touch it it was gonna mom and mom tells me jessi was w

Ringt about me? Yet I don’t do anything but tried to look out for my mother step by step and hated and used and told jessi could just keep her half fuck koda and still fuck koda yet koda could have done the same tk his sister two different ways and been easy and well when papa offered me the money first I told him I would do as dad said and give it to mom for a house anthe said never wanted mom to have money and broke his promise to Dads Me mom and Jessi and I took took off to skin papa cause he is lying g over the phone and I never done him bad or spoke to him but I was pissed and told him everything possible down to the facts one foot in the the grave and you choice is betrayal lies more lies wickedness and stupidity and gave the land away literally and now all the buzzards feasted off you cause they only showed when they wanted something and enjoy what life you have left alone in front of tbe tv in a 100 year old house that’s a piece of shit and 300k the amount you gave the guy who sold the land your fuckjng stupid and I told you jessi wasn’t good and a golden  child she’s just like you a narcissist enjoy burning of you make it to heaven you will smell of smoke you will die alone and no one is coming to your funeral hope you know that and that was that and he died a year later but I need help getting away from mom I want my independence and the life I finally can have one and never wanted one and the journey here was actually pathetic and I should’ve took sisters social but God and Jesus changed my life oath to God to never lie and mean it and if you …. Nesbit and seriously put your all a relax and breathe know your forgiveness was blessed.

I don’t want to ask for money I never cared for my life and wanted out here I make enough surveys for a living. I can’t be missing what never was and my brother out of prison and here cause I begged for him to be able to and be did get to come back and the. He began stealing my cigarettes and drugs every time and acting big and bad and I had enough and never touched him took his knife snd spun around my hand and caught it over and over and he got so scared he cried walking into the living room put his shoes on and walked out saying I mcrazy he tried to kill me and pressed charges trying to put me 10 years in after getting him out and drug stealing again mom let me choose and I still let brother back in and he told me when I get back your gonna be stealing half my stash again and lie and you tried lying and made a mess today risking my ass and stop Fucking stealing from me fucking always and half my shit I hardly had any of and again doubled up on it knowingly exactly wear it was now and I hope y’all Have a goodnight everyone

God Bless, I hope your family and life aren’t wasted as mine was I haven’t much to look for best of luck

Thanks for any donations and stopping by

https://www.paypal.me/5dollarsdude

First let me thank you for taking time away from your life to read about mine. I wish I could be doing the same as you are. I am not sure how this works or what I should say so please don’t hold that against lol. My life is so very different now than it was just a year ago. I have never asked for help from anyone at least not like this. I have never been in this kind of situation before. I was recently victim of an abusive relationship. I don’t know how I got into this relationship and ran away from it with nothing but the clothes I had on. I am so ashamed of falling victim to this man. Seeing my mother go through the same and experiencing it first hand as a child I vowed to never do the same. I have two boys my oldest is 16 and youngest is 13. I love them more than anything else in existence. I thank God that their father is a good man and married a good woman, so my boys did not have to witness my abuse and only know what I couldn’t keep secret. I wasn’t able to get them a present for Christmas which makes me feel inadequate as a parent. I know that’s silly and not at all true but I’d give them the universe if I could carry it to them. I have no phone, no clothes to wear to an interview at the many jobs I’ve applied to. I moved back in with my brother and there’s no furniture for my kids and I to sit and watch movies or play games on. He smashed my windshield of my old Honda and did something under the hood that I don’t know how to fix so I walk in the cold to get groceries ext. I’m educated and have learned skills in business management so this is very hard for me to swallow considering I have always worked since they let me bus tables at 13 at local restaurant for holidays. I don’t know or have any specific amount of what I need because at this point if u sent my kids a Christmas present with my name on it I’d be happy and will continue pushing forward. I know I will make it through this and have to remind myself that though I feel weak there’s a strong woman in me that’s waiting to show her face again. You are amazing for caring enough to read my sad story and I’ll say it one more time I hope one day I get to do what you do. God bless you and yours.

Thank you https://paypal.me/jessicafigginsUS?country.x=US&locale.x=en_US

I am unable to work right now due to my paralyzing anxiety and schizoaffective disorder. I endure panic attacks before minimally stressful situation like going to the grocery store or speaking to people. Last February I was hospitalized for a psychotic episodes. I was denied disability because my wife makes 200 more then the limit. My wife is struggling with three jobs right now trying to make ends meet. We have bills and student loan debt that is piling up. Anything would help us

https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/em497

https://www.paypal.me/dautobody

My ex husband was obsessive and abusive for 25 years. He would stalk me by literally following me, tapping my phone, and use of small cameras.

When I tried to leave, he became violent and 10x more abusive. He has held me against my will for days, raped me, and dislocated my jaw.

After 4 years on the run, I have complex PTSD and struggle daily with life and the grossness that permeates my mind. He destroyed my mind and took everything I owned…I lost 25 years of belongings. My family and children stay away because they are afraid of him.  I left with only my wallet and phone. He stole everything else.  I didn’t even have shoes.

I am requesting help to get out of debt from rebuilding and stablize my life. I have $8000 in credit card debt. I’m praying I can raise at least $8000.  And $25,000 would pay off my car as well as my credit card debt.  I appreciate you taking the time to stop and read my request.  Anything helps, and I am grateful for everything.

My ex husband was obsessive and verbally abusive for 25 years. He would stalk me by literally following me, tapping my phone, and use of small cameras.

When I tried to leave after 21 years (when our children moved out), he became violent and 10x more abusive, and started hitting me regularly. He has held me against my will for days, raped me, and dislocated my jaw. There are other things I experienced as well. Due to him having family in the local police department, he was always able to get out of his violations of the restraining order. He poured gas on my porch, hit me with a car, dislocated my jaw…all without consequences.

After 4 years on the run, I have complex PTSD and struggle daily with life and the grossness that permeates my mind. He destroyed my mind and took everything I owned…I lost 25 years of belongings. My family and children stay away because they are afraid of him.  I left with only my wallet and phone. He stole everything else.  I didn’t even have shoes. I’ve been living on SSDI and rebuilding my life alone, because he’s still out there watching. He got a 5 year restraining order put on by the court that he is worried about violating because he would have to do prison time.

I work part-time to help pay my bills, as SSDI isn’t enough to live on. I was always employed full-time before trying to leave. I can’t seem to get myself back enough to go back to work yet. I constantly worry about him showing up on my door to kill me as he always “promised” to do. God is my refuge and helps me to cope with triggers and depression, as well as hate for a corrupt system and people in power.

I am requesting help to get out of debt from rebuilding and stablize my life. I have $8000 in debt, not including my car. I’m praying I can raise at least $8000.  And $25,000 would pay off my car and debt.  I appreciate you taking the time to stop and read my request.  Anything helps, and I am grateful for everything.

I’ve lost more than most people can imagine. It’s a struggle to go on daily when everything you love has been ripped from your hands by a vindictive person. It’s worse when that person is your husband of many years and he wants you and your children to be terrified of him. Sometimes it’s just too much to carry.