Novaturient, it’s an interesting word. It’s where I find myself existing these days. Mostly in daydreams. I’ve never looked at myself as a trapped person before but, here I am. Constantly recirculating events over and over in my mind trying to pinpoint the exact mistake, the critical moment that I would lose control over every aspect of my life. Was it when I sold my truck to make a move? Was it when I agreed to move in with and help my new family who was struggling to save their business and get back on track? Was it when I first started to feel used and unimportant beyond what I could save for someone else? Or was it when I realized I have nothing of my own and I couldn’t get out even if I tried? My truck was the first to go. Now reliant on this new family for transportation, food and utilities. Was it when I had to close my bank accounts because money was never in the form of cold hard cash payment for the services rendered?
The barter system. Sometimes it can be a great thing. Was it what got me so stuck? Or was it the cunning of the very person I was attempting to help that made me so ensnared in this life I cannot escape without outside help? Is that why I’m now here hoping for outside help and a chance to escape?
I don’t think anyone believes that tomorrow won’t be better than today. We don’t have a magic eight ball or mirror to show us where we are headed. I don’t think anyone sees enough detail to know that once they are in my place it will be too hard to dig yourself out of the hole you created for yourself by giving to others. They don’t expect to become hurt and sick. They certainly don’t expect to be threatened and thrown away once they are hurt, sick and getting old. It’s hard enough to find a job when you are in your 50’s when you haven’t worked on the books in 15 or so years, have no credit or rental history, but, its even harder when your credit has been ruined by the people you have been helping and your sick.
Little things like needing deposits to get a utility turned on now because they have slow paid or worse not paid the bills they created in your name. Is it my fault? Yes. I allowed myself to be listed as a property manager and in doing so had to turn utilities on and off so I could handle the business for these family members in their stead. But when I got hurt doing their business and had no medical coverage to fix the problems that are exacerbating the ones I already had it then becomes impossible.
My doctor wants to disable me, and while I have enough points to collect social security at 72, I don’t have enough points to collect disability. I could collect ssi and will after they finish denying and making me fight for my claim, alas 600 dollars a month wont be enough to live on by myself anyway. While I do have my son to help me, my barter deal has also left him stuck in my bad situation. No tax returns means no school loans and every penny of the 800 dollars he makes every two weeks goes to food and utilities those family members stopped paying for services rendered even though they live here too, well it takes all the money we do have just to even be able to stay where we are for the moment. But even that is being threatened at least for me. She threatened to evict me after a fight. Not my son, not her son who i’m married to, just me.
See i’m of no use anymore, I can’t stand for more than 10 minutes at a time, I can’t sit normally in a chair, I can’t walk the length of my grocery store. I can’t hear anymore because my ears are always full of fluid and infected and have severe damage. I now have thyroid eye disease so my world is blurry and full of headaches and double vision. I struggle to even type here and have to leave the screen often. I’ve been working on this letter for many hours already.
My teeth, thanks to the accident are in really bad shape many are broken or missing because I was hit in the mouth by a 25 lb piece of cast iron tub and knocked off a ladder which broke my back and cracked my hip. I’ve now been through 6 charitable surgeries to save my right kidney, remove my gallbladder, fix my 3 double hernias, still nothing yet on my back and maybe never.
I have always had a pretty bad case of scoliosis but now with the spondylolisthesis from the broken facets on L4 and L5 crushing down on S1 they are not sure they can fix it because of the curves I already have along with the degeneration going on. I may have to live with it.
Who is going to hire me when I can’t hear on a phone, can’t sit in front of a computer for more than ten minutes at a time, can’t lift, stand or sit for long periods can’t see half the time and I have snaggle teeth. Add those things to no bank accounts which leaves me no help from places like Liheap if I fall behind my bills because you need 3 months worth of bank statements. No car of my own to get anywhere, all I have is myself, my son and a few tools. Something as simple as loading the dishwasher takes me a couple hours. So now that I can’t do the fixes on her rental properties or her paperwork or her billing for her clinic because I can’t hear or function for long on the computer all I can do is dream.
An acquaintance offered me a little house for the price of the land and back taxes. While its livable but not great and my son and I could afford it tax and utility wise even though it would be tight. I just don’t have the 40 thousand dollars it would take to buy it. And neither of us could get a loan for it because mortgage companies won’t lend 40k on a house that could be marketed for 80k. And my son doesn’t make enough or hasn’t worked long enough, nor does he have a bank account or savings either. So we are stuck. If I could come up with just that much and get out of here, my bills will be less, my food costs less, and my stress certainly would be less. I’ve never asked for help before but here I am. Thank you for listening and even more so if you help.