my name is Glenn, I’m a 20-year-old student from Belgium.
throughout my entire life, the most money I ever had was around 800 euros, only a few months later it was already down to 300 because I wanted a decent phone that would still work five years later.. this was when I was around 15-16 years old.
The reason I never had a chance to get a student job or do any jobs to earn money from, starts with the age my country allows me to work, which is 16.
My home situation was very tough and only got better two years ago. Basically, my dad abused alcoholics and this made him be aggressive, ruin my parent’s bank account and he would end up having verbal fights with my mother. It’s been like this for as far as I can remember, literally. Which means about my entire life.
He used to threaten with killing himself, telling his suicide plans to me and my sister (we were only 10 and 13 by that time, me being the youngest). he told us a lot how much he wished we would fall dead before his eyes. he made my mother cry every day and traumatize me and my sister by shouting so loud at my mom and hearing her be furious.
It would terrify my sister and me and we both handled that in a different way, my sister cried and cried. I would try to ”get used to it” and have all the negative energy sucked into me.
My dad went from martini and whiskey to wine when I was around 5 (at least that’s what my mother told me one day.. well the fact he used to abuse whiskey and such). So he went to wine, didn’t matter which kind, he always bought these 5 to 10-litre containers usually sold in a cardboard box with a tap on it.
People would think “well he went from whiskey to wine, isn’t that an improvement?”. The simple answer is no, it doesn’t matter whether you drink a bottle of liquor or ten bottles of beer, it would give the same amount of alcohol in your blood.
He consumed those 5-litre boxes in two days, the 10-litre ones took three to four days. He had this tiny glass he could just fill and down it all at once.. This went on for a long time.
Later my life we got him to stop abusing wine but eventually he went to beer, of course, beer and later porto, he used to consume a six pack a day of beer and when he drunk Porto instead it was a half to an entire litre a day of Porto with 17% alcohol..beers were usually between 8% and 12%
when I was around 13 I started to question my sexuality.. my dad always told me gay people were gross and disgusting, so I was afraid to be one myself. a year later I came out for being homosexual… to myself.. I told nobody. Basically, with that I mean I tried to accept myself being gay. I cried for 2 days and felt horrible for several weeks until I decided to just quit feeling bad and just accept the fact and try to make the best out of it, which turned out to be a more colourful and joyful time in my life, I tried to subtly express myself more and more (I was so scared to be gay I actually tried to act as straight and as manly as I could once I realised classmates made fun of gay people when I was 9, I was afraid to be left out and bullied). So yea I wrote with a pink ballpen with the excuse that all my other pens were empty and I just didn’t care.
Since that time I have always been like that, not caring about what others think, I just did what I liked, defended myself the best I could.. which went entirely wrong.. I have social difficulties concerning dealing with and understanding sarcasm, and difficulties on how to react to annoying people. That second one simply because I was used to way worse from my dad.
They started making fun of me being gay and I tried my best to understand why they see fun in it, i also tried my best understanding the difference between sarcasm and seriousness as the amount of friends i had went down, and the friends i still had, i just called them friends to have friends. By that time i was diagnosed with ADHD.. but it didnt feel to me like any relief to know that.. in fact, i felt like it wasnt only ADHD that was wrong with me..
when i was 15 i met this boy online who claimed to a year older than me.. but in short, just to not make this letter insanely long.. He ended up being two and a half years younger than me, which meant by the time i would be 18, i could be sued by his parents as pedophile since he would only be 15 a half..
He ended up abusing my feeling for him, cheating on my several times, once asking me if he could go have sex with someone else he had feelings for aswell but not the same way as he did for me.. about 4 months after that i met this other person who seemed to be nice and he became a good online friend of me so i introduced him to my ‘boyfriend’ and after a week or so he started to text me less and less and my boyfriend wouldn’t send anything love related to me anymore and would be short towards me… I speculated that he got in love with my friend and eventually got to fire out he was with my friend and that friend sent screenshots of their conversations as proof..
Eventhough my bf would still lie and say there was no one else.. so i sent that to him.. and well things went downhill, i spent a total of 3 years and a half being drained by him yet in love aswell (this kind of relationship where someone makes you feel horrible but does just enough to not lose you) we broke up around 4 times before it was officially done, he had self esteem issues escalating to self harm and suicidal, he even showed my his blood dripping down his chair and sent pictures of his scars.. as terrified as I was i tried to make him clean it up and put a bandade on it… then one day he had a mental breakdown and only a week after he was silent.. after many doubt and me not trusting him at all he ended up having all his devices confiscated by his parents so he couldnt go online anymore because his parents thought i was the reason he harmed himself.. he disappeared just like that right before my winter exams.. i literally thought he killed himself and i had to study my exams and had the worst holidays ever.. especially because a lot of Christmas movies go about love and i used to enjoy watching movies together with my family as far as it was possible.
Once i came out to my dad for being gay he would swear at me for being gay and tell me to become some sort of sex slave and get money from it maybe (of course he only said that when he was drunk).
The same year i broke up with my so called boyfriend my mother had a bowel perforation due to never ending stress and if she got in surgery only an hour later she would have died, i was sick at that time and was home, i saw everything happen from her screaming of intense pain to her being hospitalized and watching the ambulance drive away with her.. if she would have died i would have probably left home and lived on the streets..
the fact she had this incident broke my dad and he got into depression which as long as he was still abusing alcohol became the worst year of his addiction but luckily also the last year. I remember me pushing him away from me and as drunk as he was he would fall and play dead to annoy me.. i saw him crawling over the floor not being able to get any word out of his mouth, i remember him damaging the freezer badly from falling into it and him having a bruise of 15cm across which the doctor said needed urgent medical attention and maybe hospital.
only three months after my mother had recovered i broke up with my boyfriend which broke me since he then accused me of a lot and ruined the bonds i had with my best friend online and i ended up getting a depression aswell.. he made me fail two years in high school, one because i spent too much time trying to fix him, the other year because he was the main cause that triggered my depression and made me quit school during easter break.
In the five months i was home my dad started to stop abusing alcoholics with ups and downs and i started to know myself better again.. i ended up reconsidering school and changed to another school to finish my high school studies and be allowed to go to college.
My mother didnt get to work during her recuperation and once she could her job was moved to India and she got fired. Due to my dad being depressed he wasn’t allowed to ever work again and since hes 59 years old getting a new job is like trying to swim from Belgium to England while you know you cant even swim 500 meters..
Because of the horrible situations at home, i never got a chance to feel rested enough to go work in the holidays as i needed them very badly to recuperate from school and my dad driving so bad we once nearly had a head on collision with a house. I tried to do my best these last two years in highschool and also tried to fix my depression by being optimistic, i considered going to a new school as a new chance to make friends and it didnt really work to make friends.
Luckily I was never bullied again and all my classmates liked me, but i just couldn’t get along that well, i was openly gay and its what they supported me with, my teachers there were very supportive for me to help me feel more at easy and to get the best school result from me given my situation which at that time was parents who would never get along anymore but forced to live together because we were running low on money and if either my mom or dad would have left if would mean on of them would end up on the streets with nothing) and me being depressed.
For these two years, i was required to have a laptop to run adobe, so i got me one and could only pay 500 euros of it, my parents paying the rest..
I also started to take driving lessons by the time i was 19, so i could some day drive to friends i met or just be away from home for a little.. but never had time to have a student jobs or holiday work. You would think why not go work in summer? I couldn’t. When i was 17 i got diagnosed with a light form of autism clarifying why i had social difficulties and tons of anxiety.
(My anxiety went so far i would have stress if my mom reminded my to prepare my sandwiches for school lunch for the next day.. i also had a lot of annoying phobias and fear of death, bad spirits, demons graves, coffins and so forth.)
So i needed summer to work on myself and get less stressed again..
When i finally made it and graduated from highschool i decided to go study game graphics production in college. This would mean i would have no time at all, at most one free day a week to see friends or play some video games. Because i have had a lot of hardware issues with my own laptop my parents ended up buying me a school laptop which would be instantly replaced if there appear any malfunctions.
i have now been in college since September 2018 and so far i love what i do. I’m in an international school where everyone is as open minded as can be allowing me to finally explore myself and try out new things, new dressing styles and so on.
Thanks to this i learned more about myself including that im agender which means i dont see myself as either male or female but i do prefer more feminine clothes, which means i have to pretty much buy an entire new full closet to feel comfortable and to express who i am and not appear like someone im not.
I have tried many ways to make some passive money so i wouldn’t end up without, but never got lucky with that. till this day i still use the same phone which im glad i spent extra money on, i did have to repair it entirely one day (i did it myself since it would save 100 euros). But recently my phone started doing really weird things that suggest a broken internal memory meaning the end of this phone’s days are near and i currently dont even have 20 euros on my bank account.
Beside that, there are many things i had that broke down and i never got to replace, i currently have a boyfriend who i can see irl but it have to take the train to see him and often spent all of my money on seeing him. So for the moment, i have to choose to see him or buy something small for myself or save up so i can afford to buy new headphones and stuff like that.
That’s pretty much my story in short. I hope to soon become character designer and succeed all my courses as they aren pretty expensive and i cant wait to finally have money from a decent job, even though 80% og my job opportunities will be abroad and i obviously have no money to even get there let away rent a small apartment abroad. And as my parents bank account is getting low even they wont be able to afford buying my an apartment without risking their own financial position to go to officially broke.
I value every amount of help a lot and want to thank everyone who helps me out financially.
Thanks a lot again, both to take time to read this, for your kindness, support and if you do, also for your donation.