Hi! My name is Nicole! I hope all is well. I am scared, terrified, and vulnerable writing this posting (never asked strangers for money). I feel like a failure and people will judge me. I must write through the fear. I’m asking you to read this entire post.
In 2020, I began taking an anti-depressant (Duxoletine, generic for Cymbalta). I’d been in therapy (CBT) for 5 years with a therapist I’d loved. She finally told me to try them. I trusted her so I did. I fought against it; I have seizure disorder and I’ll be on pills my entire life. I felt like I failed but I did it anyway. Taking Duxoletine change my life. For the first time, I had feelings. I could feel and have a variety of emotions.
My world cleared up. I could focus and I had energy. My therapist told me that I had Persistent Depressive Disorder. All the symptoms of Major Depressive Disorder just lasting for years. The phrase, “Why can’t you be happy?” is associated with Persistent Depressive Disorder or Dysthymia. Life was heavy (not self-harming) for me. It felt like a mountain was consistently on my back.
I’ve had a hard and blessed life. Due to me not realizing that I had depression, some of my best memories of traveling and studying abroad were filled with sadness. I also have seizure disorder. My entire life I’ve fought to be “normal” just to realize that I am disabled. I can walk and drive but it’s not without anxiety. My Carbamazepine(seizure medication) made me depressed as a child too. Add in the death of parents, financial instability, (roaches and powdered milk) and you have a lot of traumas.
In March 2022, I started EMDR. EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing. It’s helping but it’s physical and emotionally exhausted. It’s opening me up to being more vulnerable and trusting myself. I realized that I had my biological mom’s sexual trauma in my body. Also, I felt stuck. Making irresponsible and stupid decisions. EMDR has helped me realize that I need to be in the present. Due to trauma, my imagined life is fine, but I need to be in the present. That’s how, I’ve dealt with my problems: I go to my imagination and I can avoid them.
It is with an open heart that I am asking for money by July 11th2022. Whatever, amount I can receive, I’m grateful. It’s a special occasion and I am fearful that I will not have money. It is my mental health wish. EMDR has helped me realize my flaws at a visceral level. My heart hurts to know that I’ve been financially irresponsible. For those of you that think that I’m lying, no. I don’t have anyone who can help me.
There are people reading this who might think I’m spoiled or it’s unnecessary to receive donations. I completely understand your point. It is through EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing) therapy that I am realizing I spend money because of my fear of being happy and my traumas no longer controlling my life. It’s a mental health wish because through EMDR, I am seeing aspects of my life that need improvement. I have a long way to go with dealing with my traumas but I’m doing it to heal.
I don’t know if anyone will be able to fulfill my mental health wish. I am hoping so! If not, I want to say that I’m grateful you took the time to read this posting. I feel vulnerable and stupid for placing myself in this position. This is my first time asking strangers for money. Paypal me link is: paypal.me/NBROWN957