Lost and Lonely
My Story may sound like tragic romance novel to some, but I assure you I lived this nightmare.I awaken in the mornings to the cold reality that the only 2 men I’ve ever loved will never come home to kiss me or ask what’s for dinner. My oldest son will never call me to say he loves me again, or say he’s going to be a father.
My life used to be happy and my heart was over flowing with loved. I was with a man I feel in love with at first sight. Our eyes meet and we both knew we were meant to be. We loved more in our 14 years together than most do in a full lifetime. I feel blessed to have experienced a love like that. We had children and made plans to build our dream home. We would drag out mattress outside just to lay under the stars together. In 2011 our family camping trip for my birthday and the 4th of July would change our world instantly. My love went to gather fire wood to roast our hotdogs and marshmallows…. Hours passed. This was not like him. It was getting late and the sun had started to set on the worst day of my life. We search and called his name for hours. He didn’t call back and I started to panic. Irrational thought were spinning around my my half crazed mind. I didn’t sleep that night or the next. 3 days passed with no answers. When the sheriff walked up I already knew …. My legs couldn’t hold me and I collapsed to the floor. The world felt like it was coated in a thick fog and I couldn’t quite hear what was being said around me. Voices were muffled and sounded so far away. Days passed and I just sat in my chair looking out the window. I kept wishing I could wake up from this nightmare. I kept waiting see my love walking up the driveway, clothes dirty and tattered with an unbelievable story about getting lost in the woods. He never did. S week later family members came to collect me and help me go to the funeral home and meet with our pastor to make arrangements. We all know how that chapter ends.
Years passed, friends no longer looked at me with sadness in their eyes. My children grew so fast I almost didn’t recognize them anymore. Life was starting to embrace our tragedy and make it s party of our normal everyday life. One by one the kids moved out and started lived of their own. My daughter got married had children of her own. My boys found their individual paths. My oldest son unfortunately picked a path no mother wants for her child. My youngest 2 boys are still looking for the right fit in life.
It has been 10 years since the sheriff walked up to my door. I didn’t see him coming this time. I had long since abandoned my window seat. The knock started me from my daydream while washing dishes. I dried my hand and answered the door with a smile that quickly faded. I remember hearing I’m so sorry ….. we found your son and again my legs gave out. I remember hearing this terrible heart wrenching half scream half sob.. only to realize it was coming me me. My daughter must have flown the couple of miles to my house. She never left my side. I am eternally grateful she did. I don’t know how she turned out the way she did… So loving, caring, compassionate and simply beautiful inside and out. My other 2 boys weren’t far behind her. That night we all just sat in the living room together. Our sadness and grief welling up in waves as we remembered their brother and their dad. Old wounds felt ripped open while the seering pain of new ones was almost unbearable. I thought losing my love was the worst pain I’d ever felt…. It was nothing like I was feeling now. I think a part of my heart slowly and excruciatingly died over the next few weeks. I went thru the funeral arrangements in a Valium induced haze. Picking my son’s last outfit to wear trying to remember his favorite songs and flowers.. contacting his friends. It all blended together as I found myself again sitting in my chair looking out my window, and waiting. Waiting for this nightmare to end but knowing it never will.
Days after my son’s services I was having coffee and an old high school friend knocked on my door. I was surprised and grateful for a pleasant distraction. He gave me the best most loving hug id had in many years. I just cried and he just held me. I’m not sure how much time passed before I realized we were still standing in the door way. We talked all night and laughed when we noticed the sun was rising. Over the next couple months we became inseparable. My children we happy for me my heart wasn’t completely dead after all. I was starting to feel like I was going to make it thru and be ok. We started making plans to buy some land and build our dream home. I’m not sure why the universe keeps giving me these beautiful moments and then taking everything away from me on the blink of an eye. It slowed me to feel love again only to rip it away from me January 28th just a year and a half after losing my son. My phone rings and I hear my friend sobbing I can barely understand her. The words he’s been shot omg he’s been shot in the head will not stop haunting me.
The hardest call I ever made was to his mom. I remember exactly how it felt to be told your son was dead. My hands were shaking and I almost couldn’t my breath. Together we planned his service and still go to lunch every other week. We have been the support the other has needed to get thru this.
Today I am beyond broke everything we had we put into supplies for our dream home. We were looking at land when my car broke down. He had went to look at a car that was for sale when he was shot and killed. I am wanting to honor his memory by getting the land we wanted and building our dream home for the both of us…I do not have any resources left. I am putting it in God’s hands now. If my story has touched your heart please help me to honor an amazing and loving man’s memory with a donation for our dream home. I thank you for taking the time to read my story. Just the simple act of writing it has brought me some peace. If that is all I get from this experience I will be grateful.
Cash app: $redtailedfox77 or my PayPal info is : paypal.me/dragonfly7677