well, I hate talking about myself and my life. The reactions I get are always 1 out of 3 responses; 1. “I’ve been through so much more shit stop complaining.” 2. ” wow your so strong. ” or 3.Pitty. now I know I didn’t have the worst life and people have had worse childhoods then me, but that doesn’t make my pain or struggles any less of value. I have never seen myself as strong so that one just makes me feel and act akward. so here I am hoping that 3 may be an advantage for the first time in my life. like everyone else I’m asking for help, I haven’t read any other testimonies because then I won’t submit my own I’ll just get farther in debt because I’ll try and help more people. So, here we go…
I’m losing all faith in life. and, I can’t handle it. I have been someone who believes with every fiber in my body that there is a silver lining in every situation my ENTIRE LIFE. But this last year broke me. I know 2020 broke most people but it destroyed me. I feel like I can no longer see in color let alone find even the smallest sliver of light peaking through.
I am a middle child, my older brother passed from s.i.d.s and when my younger brother was born my parents had a chance to make sure they could do everything with him that they never had a chance to do with my older brother. now please understand that does not upset me in anyway I totally understand. We grew up poor, like powdered milk and bologna poor. my parents both worked off and on growing up, and my dad sold drugs (didn’t learn that until I was 16 and he got arrested). I began working part time under the table when I was 13 to help out and have a little bit of an escape. by 15 I was going to highschool full time, taking after school classes to start my college degree and working 2 part time jobs. At 17 my parents started to go through a very violent divorce, I was working full time, just graduated highschool getting ready to turn 18 and just meet the only guy who I was ever interested in (I only dated girls). on my 18th birthday the very dramatic and violent divorce of my parents started. 2 months later that new weird guy I liked saved my life from my dad in a blacked out state who was holding a knife to my throat. I moved into the managers quarters at the 4.I group home I was working for 3 days later. right before my 20th birthday I was working 2 full time jobs, going to school full time, helping pay my mom’s bills and my dad has staying off and on with me at my boyfriend’s house and when he was gone he was calling and telling me I needed to go get my brother because he was going to kill my mom and set the house on fire. my boyfriend told me one day after school that he felt like a baby sitter, and he saw a way out and he was going to take it and go enjoy life with his way out and her daddies money. we broke up for almost 2 years. it’s now 10 years later I’m 6 months into my 30s, I have spent the last 19 years working my life away. no parties, no vacation, no great stories because I was trying to help my mom with her bills and to show my brother that life is so much better if your not stuck in Sacramento. Thank God he listened to our advice and got out, he joined the navy. The rest of the decade has had its ups and downs. But, these last two years have been absolute hell. I got married almost 2 years ago, and life has not given us a chance to even act or enjoy the fact that we were able to get married. we were suppose to elooe his family showed up and my parents, so I got married without the most important person and my best friend there because he was on deployment, my in-laws got mad and started an argument at 8 am on my wedding day because we didn’t want to go to breakfast at 5am before the ceremony that was at 9 and told us we were ungrateful. a few months later my husband and his grandma got into an argument, it woke his dad up and his dad tried to taze him in the throat. we came to stay with my mom for a while…so, a year and a half later and we get to today. the day that I just can’t take it anymore and I’m praying for someone to just give me a chance or a break before I just stoo fighting for the will to keep going.. .
(no this isn’t a suicide threat I would never allow anyone in my life to even have the chance to feel the pain of losing someone again like that)
today: my brother is home on leave, it is my only day off and we have been excited about it all week long…..
well, the morning started with me waking up on my mom’s living room floor, three seperate times and going back to bed because everyone was asleep. time 4, my brother was gone went to say hi to a friend. my husband has heartburn and my mom doesn’t care if we are still tired she’s getting up and watching TV out here, my brother comes back an hour later and asks what I want to do. idk… so we all start throwing ideas out and kinda bickering about who needs to decide, husband woke up making a joke about how it’s unfortunate that my brother is leaving in 2 days not me.
then got bitched at by noon because there was a t shirt and hair on the floor of the bathroom.
got into an argument with my hubby because I wanted to shower and get ready for the day when he showered.
while he was in the shower my brother and I got into it because I couldn’t make a decision on where to go, he spent a grand to come home, he doesn’t have money to spend because he had to spend it all on food while he is here because we don’t cook anymore, and I fucking broke. I can’t afford food. I can’t afford to breath and I am trying so fucking hard.
I make 2,018 a month. I pay 800 for a car payment, 322 for insurance, 100 minimum a week for gas (I have a 64mile work commute 5 days a week) , a 100 vet bill, 10 Amazon prime account for my in-laws to use, 120 for my moms rent, 150 for moms storage, and 100 for pg&e. I owe my boss 500 who offered to help us out because my car broke down on Christmas night and I missed work because I couldn’t afford to fix it. so I broke down started ugly crying and we took about an hour away from each other before both apologizing and making up. so we finish getting ready with no destination and decide to go for a drive. we ended up at Jackson rancheria and the only 100 that I had out of my stimulus I lost gambling. now I know that is my own fault and stupidity, but honestly for an hour I got caught up with just seeing my brother/best friend/ hero and didnt pay attention to how much I lost. so when I realized what I did I went to the car and waited for my husband and brother. about 15 min later they are ready to leave and my husband and I got into an argument because I blew it and now I can’t afford the bra or makeup I need for work. we leave and my phone finally gets reception and there’s a group text from my mom saying she kinda burnt the chili she was making and was going to bed because she was emotionally exhausted from my attitude today. so yup there’s another reason to try and hold it together. 30 min later I get a phone call from mom saying my dad just called her and my grandpa died 2 days ago. he didn’t want to call us directly cause he didn’t want to hear me cry but wanted to make sure I didn’t find out on FB like I did with my other grandpa. and that’s it I can’t hold it together anymore. I. closed my eyes to fight the tests and opened them to realize I just can’t see in color anymore. inhave let everyone down in my life no matter how much I have tried and I let my grandpa down to because I haven’t been up to see him in a year due to the covid lock down at the senior apartments he’s living in. 2 days. he died 2 days ago, and I feel like everything inside me died today. so this is my final attempt. all pride gone my mistakes admitted shamefully and begging for someone to show me the world still has reasons to not give up.
https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/krissilynn7070