Trigger warnkng: talk of abuse, mental illness, and death.
I feel like my life is falling apart.
My name is Allan, I’m a 22yr old transgender male. I know that the above statement sounds childish, but it feels like my life is going nowhere and because of that, I want to end my life.
My story is a long one so I don’t know how much I will say. I grew up with my siblings and my single mother who was very abusive and neglectful. There were good times in my childhood, but few. I don’t remember a lot of my upbringing due to repressed memories of the trauma, but I do remember a few terrible incidents. I was constantly afraid- we all were- and there were many times growing up that I believed my mom would kill me or one of my siblings.
So I guess I just kind of started out bad. My mom was pretty normal before she had her first born, my older sister. Then my mom became paranoid, anxious, and basically crazy. My dad said he suspect post-natal psychosis, but more recently we’ve been thinking it’s borderline personality disorder (which I have recently been diagnosed with).
As an example of my mom, she refused to go outside to even hang out the washing because she was afraid that news helicopters would be there to film her.
My story is ridiculous, I should write a book. Anyway, when I was 4 yrs old my dad left the picture. I don’t remember much of it, but I was told the story. My dad was apparently questioning his sexuality at that point. He realised he was gay, and he had a lot of shame. He’d already had 3 children to my mom, including me. But he discovered his sexuality after he had a family, and my mom loved him so much, and my dad loved her but in a different way. My dad thought that he must not deserve his beautiful family if he was gay. My dad moved out of the house. My mom was very neglectful to us, sometimes not feeding us for days when I was just 3. My dad said he visited once and saw my older sister (by 2 years) feeding me a slice of bread (me who was around 1yr), in secret in the toilet. Apparently my older sister wanted her baby sibling to be healthy, but mom hadn’t fed me for days at that time.
My dad lost the court case for custody. My mom cut off contact with him and moved to a small rural town in Australia where he wouldn’t be able to find us. So I never knew who my dad was.
Life with mom was normal. It wasn’t until I was 15 that I realised our family’s normal was not how others family’s were. Other family’s did not chase eachother with knives and threaten lives. Their parents would not punch them repeatedly, they did not have to ask for everything like opening a window or eating an apple. Their parents actually talked to them. That was not my mother at all.
I realised later in life that my mom is a very sick woman.
I met my dad through tv, which is insane. On the off-chance this post gets popular, I won’t say which show, but honestly you could probably find it given the details I’ve shared already.
My sister met him on tv, and then shortly after I got to meet him. He was nothing like my mom told us. He is the most beautiful person I have ever met. I have truly never met a soul like his- I know this is strange, but I really believe he is an angel. And I am so, so proud to be his son. He radiates goodness. He’s had a terrible life, yet he is the most loving and generous person I know. I am so lucky that he is my dad.
When I turned 18, I’d had enough of our home situation and I ran away to live with my dad across the country. All of this sounds insane when I write it. But everything in my life is always so hectic, that sometimes I think I’m cursed.
Basically I lived with my dad for a few years. It was the first time that I had ever felt loved by someone else. His fatherly love was so clear, and he’s taught me so much about the world. He is my biggest inspiration. Apparently he had even tried to kill himself in those 12 years he didn’t know us. He loved us children more than anything in the world. When he talks about it, he cries. When he saw me last, I was 4yrs old- now I was 16. My brother was an infant, now he was 13 years old. His story is heartbreaking. But he inspires me.
Because of my bad upbringing, I’ve had mental health issues all my life. I was very depressed in high school and I developed anorexia. I started to self harm because I saw my older sister was doing it. I tried to end my life multiple times, but I’d wake up the next morning and go to school as if I’d never attempted it at all. I had a few close friends, and I told them about it. They had a bad life too and felt the same way I did.
I’ve lived independently before but I always get caught up in drinking because of my depression. I’m very proud to say that I stopped self-harming, after 5 years of bad self-harm and wearing long sleeves every single day.
I’ve been addicted to alcohol and clubbing in the past, because I didn’t care about anything. I drowned out my issues with alcohol. At my worst, I was having 30 standard drinks a night each day for about 3 months. And to think I was only 20.
I was living with my best friend/girlfriend for a few years, but my mental health has always been on a decline. Last year my grandad passed away and I was the only one in my family not able to say goodbye. Even writing that hurts. I was on the other side of the country and I had just managed to get the funds for a plane ticket since my grandad had liver ancer and it was shockingly progressive. He was diagnosed, then 2 weeks later he was dead.
I carry a lot of guilt over that, and that’s when my mental health plummeted. I was drinking again each day, I started self-harming again, I had a few poor attempts at ending my life. I didn’t know at the time, but I have borderline personality disorder and the death of my grandad is what triggered it. I yelled and hated my girlfriend who I loved and cherished. I wore her down until we broke up, and then she decided not to be in my life. She is the most important person to me. I’ve talked about her on social media and said the things she’s done to me which are terrible and heart-breaking. I say that I hate her but I never could really hate her. I miss her everyday. I’ve had many suicidal thoughts over that loss.
I thought 2018 was the worst year of my life, but it is this year without a doubt.
I left my girlfriends house to live with my dad in A very rural town (12 houses, no shops). I was really bad with alcohol, very suicidal. I had many trips to emergency but the health system doesn’t care if there are no physical symptoms. If you are only having thoughts of going through with your suicide plan, they send you home. We’ve been mistreated by so many hospitals and medical professionals that my dad and I have discussed going to the media about it and raise awareness, because the medical system does it to countless of people- they do not care if you are suicidal.
My dad suffers from bipolar disorder. A few years ago, his best friend in the world died of cancer. This event caused his full blown bipolar. He was in a mental ward for about a month, and he told me later of his plans of killing himself and how he would do it. He was in too much pain.
I’ve got to tell you. Hearing your dad’s suicide plan is one of the most painful things to go through. Your beautiful dad, who helps everyone and who has unconditional love, who has always put me first in the short time we’ve known eachother- and he wanted to die.
In this rural town, my dad and I actually lived in a small church so it was ironic. But many terrible things happened in the four months we were there. Including my dad getting a restraining order on his best friend who had been using him for years. I had my first serious suicide attempt where I cut my artery and was rushed in an ambulance to the hospital- apparently I was falling unconscious in the ambulance and they didn’t know if I would make it. That entire thing was traumatic. My dad had to clean up litres of my blood in a hotel bathroom. He said how hard that was for him, to clean up your own child’s blood.
Me and my dad haven’t been doing good. We’re both on medication. My dad has been trying to get me into a hospital every single day for four months. My dad now pays for health insurance which he can not afford, just so I can get the help I need. I still suffer with borderline, depression, severe anxiety and chronic suicidal thoughts.
Last month my best friend died. He was everything to me. He was my absolute world. He was the number one reason that I kept pulling through, he was always my reason to live. My best friends name was Quint, and he was a black kelpie cross Labrador, the most sweetest dog anyone had known. He was my soul mate, and everyone could see our bond. Last month he was hit by a car outside of our house. I laid next to him as he died. I was comforting him the entire time. I told him he is the goodest boy in the whole world and I love him so much. God, I’m crying a lot now. I try not to think about it. But I was there. I watched the light fade. I laid with him and my best friend was dying and no one could do anything.
We moved a few days after. My dad and I were couch surfing until a few weeks ago when we found a house in Queensland. I’ve never had a place that feels like home. I always said that Quint was my home- wherever he is is where I belong. But this feels like home now.
I’ve recently started therapy due to a stroke of luck. He’s a private psychologist (whos bills are causing us to be broke), and the only reason he accepted me was because a friend of ours who is high up in the medical industry, referred me. I only got accepted because her name was on the referral.
So here’s where we’re at now. I’m finally in therapy. I love my psychiatrist, he is so sweet. I’ve seen him for 6 weeks and we’re still in introductory because I have so much history to get through. It’s the first time in my life where I’ve been dedicated to getting better. I don’t want to be a sad story. But it is very, very hard. My dad’s bipolar and my borderline end up clashing a lot and we get into huge arguments and he says such incredibly hurtful things to me. I know he loves me and he doesn’t mean it, but it doesn’t take the pain away from what he has said.
We both are very broke. My mental illnesses make me unfit for work, so I’m on government benefits which is around $250 a week. My dad is also on benefits because of his disorder, but he makes money from music gigs since he is a country music artist- though not a lot of money. After bills, I have $50 left over and that is spent on food for 2 weeks. One of my favourite things in the world is to sit at a café with a coffee. I know it’s a bit pathetic, but my goal in life is to be able to do that whenever I want. I want enough money to not have to check my bank account to see if I have $6 for a coffee. It’s a simple dream so maybe I’ll be able to achieve it. It sounds so depressing when I write it, but honestly that is what I wish for. I will happily say that my life is successful when I can do that.
I have a lot of good days, but my ‘good days’ aren’t good enough. A good day is getting out of bed and doing something like the washing. Most days I lay in my bed exhausted from my constant nightmares and lack of sleep. I have suicidal thoughts each day. I’m trying to not give in to them, but I’ve been so close to death before and the feeling was indescribable. I told my dad a few days ago that I don’t look before crossing the road, hoping a car might hit me and I will die. He was pretty shocked. I don’t tell people my problems, and it’s always a surprise when people find out I have tried to end my life, because I always appear happy. He said that one day I will want to be alive, and I will look both ways before I cross the street. That kind of hit me. Imagine wanting to be alive. I know that my life is not the worst, and my current situation from an outside perspective is pretty good. Yes I’m Transgender, yes I’m broke, yes my dad is gay and has a beautiful partner who I love. But we’re doing our best, and I’m thankful for what I do have because I know what it’s like to have nothing. But I imagined for the first time that there is a possibility I might want to be alive one day. I just don’t have a reason, but I want to find a reason good enough to live.
My current problems involve how broke me and my dad are. My dad is in debt due to paying for me to get help. I feel so guilty because I don’t feel like I deserve anything. But he has spent thousands of dollars on me, he said “because I love you and I believe you will get well.”
On top of my borderline, my psychiatrist has diagnosed me with five other illnesses. My anxiety is so bad that I’m afraid to leave the house, and if I do, I’ll have panic attacks.
I said my dream is to be able to buy a coffee whenever I want. But what I want more than that is just to make my dad happy. I’ve seen him struggle, seen him cry, seen him furious because of me. He’s paid for all my help, he’s bought my medications, he’s stopped me from drinking, he’s taught me right from wrong, he’s taught me that I am worth helping. My goal is actually to get well, for him. To know that his efforts haven’t been wasted. I don’t want to have my dad find me on the bathroom floor one day. He said that he would take his life if I did. I don’t want his suffering to have been for nothing. I want to make him proud.
Wow, I’m crying so much. I usually try to ignore my problems but recently I’ve been more open to them because I know I need to accept my reality in order to get better. Things have just been so hard for everyone. And I lost my best friend, and then my dog passed away, and then my only other friend said she couldn’t handle my trauma anymore- the same friend who walked me to emergency when I wanted to die, because she’s been in the same position.
At the moment I feel like I have lost everything. I am suffering, but I try my hardest to be happy, or atleast a fake happy that I sometimes believe is real. I have my beautiful cat who I love to pieces. But I’ve got no goals, I don’t know where to go from here. I’m too sick to work so I want to study, but I don’t know what. I didn’t think I would ever be alive right now so I never planned a future. But I’m happy to say that I do see a future for myself, I just hope that it is not as bad as I imagine it to be.
There’s a lot of things I’m missing out. Trying to tell your whole life is very difficult. But I wanted to explain my situation the best I could and give reasons as to why my mind is so sick.
If you could donate anything, I would be incredibly thankful. I want to pay my dad back for everything and I don’t want him to be so broke because of me. I want to be able to buy a coffee when I want to. I want to be financially stable so I could see a better future for myself. I want to get better for my dad, but also more recently, I want to get better for me; that’s something I’ve never felt before.
Any donation would be so appreciated. I thank you very much if you’ve read all this 💙
Here’s a bit more positive things about me: I love animals to pieces. I fall in love with every dog. I have many friends and they are all part of the lgbt+ community. I love playing the piano and songwriting/singing. I love film, I love art, I just love to be creative and tell stories in any way I can. A lot of people on my Instagram say I am inspirational to them. I like to think that I help people when I talk about my struggles and how I cope. I love people, I find them all unique and interesting, and I will try to help every person I meet. I love saltana bran, there’s a small strange but positive fact about me.
Like I said, any donation is so much appreciated. I appreciate your time and your donation and if you share this post. Thank you 💙
My Instagram name is @ceo.com.au
my PayPal.me link is: PayPal.Me/allanstandleythompso