Hi, I am 28 years old. I started my research work studies on early 2020. Covid-19 hit my country and affected my life since. Before Covid, I usually go to my lab to study. I got to work from home since then.
Let me get straight to the point. Working from home sure is easy and able to do your work at any time, and can rest anytime. I tried my best at the first 1 month, but after that my progress and work time keep decreasing and I feel unmotivated, useless, avoiding doing my work. I feel alone, I’m starting to question myself why I’m doing this, what for and all that. and this leads to me not working and playing games/porn almost everyday. and several last month I’m starting to get tired of it and at truly 0 motivation to do anything.
I still have my parent, sibling, relatives and some friends. But I’m used to not tell them anything private like my gaming/porn addiction. or even tell that I’m having a hard time. so I try this thing, maybe gaining some free money can lift me up. I don’t know actually. so I kept this to myself until several last month. yea for almost a year I’ve been a useless for nothing. sometime I cried and can’t sleep at night thinking how useless I am doing nothing for that day. I’m also the guy who don’t tell my problem to others because news spread fast around me, whoever I told always tell to others.
last month I decided to tell my supervisor and my parents about my working/progress problem (only). my supervisor try to calm me down by doing some other work, said he will help me finish my research, even though I said that my progress is bad for almost a year. I cried gratefully alone, but still not sure if I can continue. I also said to to him that I’m about to give but he still persist me to not give up. my parent by the way, said they love me, give some religious base advice. also sent me some supplement food as recommended by my religion. i do feel grateful. but yea it still doesn’t lift my spirit to continue. Oh, before i told my parents and supervisor I also tell all my problems to an non-profit organization in my country that accept calls from people who need company, or express themselves. The one that answered my call, like any other, told me to keep go on with life, try to do something new and try to find happiness and dreams. i don’t have answer to all of that. In my life, I’ve been always follows the flow and get the chances I have. now I don’t feel like looking for any of them. and she said that many people is like me during the pandemic. From that call, i decided to try to tell my supervisor and parents.
Now my siblings and maybe some of my relative know about this. Staffs in my faculty also know my problem now. I hate this, when everyone know my problem even though I don’t tell them. I feel regret I told them my problem. It’s true that i felt a little relieved but this makes me feel more demotivated somehow.
I do have some income from my Uni research funds. It is sufficient for my needs like food and bills. I have around 70usd extra per month for other/extra stuff.
After I told them my problem, I started to go back to lab because they allowed for student to end and must follow the new “Covid rules”. But still i have a really hard time to do my work, and here I am writing this. and I realize lab pc need new hard drive and i also may need new laptop for work anywhere especially if i went back to my hometown (parent house).
Yea. i don’t know what gonna happen to me if this keep going. i feel very hard to work myself for the better. Yea some people think that should be grateful, but still that doesn’t help me. and because of that i feel useless. I do feel end it myself sometime, but too scared and also not gonna give any benefit to anyone and it will hurt me mostly. I hate this feeling of hating myself. even gaming doesn’t improve my mood anymore.
Yep, maybe that’s all from me. I’m not sure whether I should write more how i got my gaming/porn addiction started. feel lazy now. this is my PayPal link:
I don’t know if my PayPal will accept money from other or not since i never top-up it. if able, thanks for those who donating. To be honest i don’t if this gonna help me or not. I’m just trying.
Yea maybe I’m just lazy and not depressed. or maybe I’m just tired/Stress. I don’t know. Lastly, thank you for those who read this. Goodbye.