I try and I try and I get nowhere. It seems all my responsibilities eat all the money I earn and I have nothing to build myself up. I go to college, study hard. I go to work and complete the tasks that my lazy managers are supposed to be responsible for finishing. I worked all last spring and summer, all the money went towards school tuition. I had to transfer colleges because the one was so expensive. They even raised tuition during the pandemic, while classes were fully online. It is disgusting how they manipulated and took advantage of a worldwide pandemic.
My lack of financial security is taking a toll on my mental health and I’m at the end of my rope. My father prods me saying I’ve should have been working when I was younger in high school. However, I wanted to work and it was he who wouldn’t let me. My older brother is successful, he graduated college and now works really hard in sales. My sister is in real estate with my mother and they are both successful. My father makes a decent amount of money. But it seems they never have the time, want, or love to help me. Even though, whenever I feel I have enough I spend my money on food for them, or gifts. Everything I do goes unappreciated around my home. I commute back and forth to my current school, but it is my mom who drives me. I am working hard on getting a vehicle and saving up. But as I have said, all my money has gone to school. I had promising and growing investments but I had to pull those out to pay for school.
My family doesn’t support my dreams of becoming a Marine captain after college. It feels like every prayer goes unanswered. Even though I go to the gym and give it my all and eat right, I see no progress in my physical health. I meditate daily, morning and night, but I still lapse into strong thoughts of suicide. I have come close a few times. But even though I can’t feel peoples’ love for me, I still know they do, and if quit now I would just prove to myself that all this was never worth it.
I was betrayed by my friends of 15 years, who were hanging out and talking about me behind my back. It was the most painful thing I have ever done having to say goodbye to them. I could barely move out of my bed for a week, and then I was incredibly sick for three weeks after that. They are like brothers to me and I wish them nothing but the best,
The girl I was talking to for two months stopped talking to me and now I think she hates me because I still tried to talk to her. Even though I was just trying to help her get through a tough family passing. She made it quite clear to me now that she was using me for attention and never intended to have a relationship with me and used her situation as a guise to stop talking with me. She blocked me on her instagram. Sadly, I fell in love with her. My heart is broken in many places, from her, my friends, and my family. I want to make amends with them all, but not in my sad current state of being.
All my life I have never felt wanted. I was a curious, intuitive, and introspective child. I think I have been given great wisdom, but never the opportunity to use it, to show it, to help people. I have always had this deep longing for a connection with people. And I’ve never had it. Whenever I have the blessing to talk with someone it is like I am speaking to a specter, not the real person, but a false reflection, a lie. I treat people with kindness, I am amiable, I make people laugh with jokes. I go out of my way for people but it feels as if no one ever goes out of their way for me. I am a man of sorrows. I love the world but it does not love me back.
I never yell and I never complain, I hate when people do that, but I understand why they do. My spirit is broken, the body I have suffered and bled for has not grown into what I want, all my mind does is think and think. And not the constructive thinking related to school, but constantly distracted with failures despite my best efforts to block them out in training and meditation.
When I was younger and a fool, I abandoned God or whatever idea of God He actually is. I feel now that these are tests I have been thrown through, to grant me wisdom I sought when I was younger. I thought it was a smart thing to pray for. But I no longer want more wisdom. I want the happiness that I have suffered so long for. A moment feels like an hour, a day feels like a month. And a month an eternity. My life has been so short, but I feel so old. I want to be the young man that the good kid I was deserves. I want to be tall, I want to be strong, I want to be handsome, I want to be rich. I want the kindness and generosity I have given to now shine on me. I know I am asking for things you can’t give. This website is for asking and donating money. But for some reason in me, I feel like there is some God, some being looking out for me. I feel they are going to help, whether that is through this or some other means I don’t know.
If you have any spare money and are feeling generous please consider sending it to me. I know there are a lot of people who need it and deserve it a lot more than me. I have no “ifs” or “buts” I just really need help from the world. Thank you.