It was a good day, friends, food and laughter. It couldn’t get better than this.
Pushing the tent door aside I stepped onto the wooden floor, my footsteps indicated my arrival.
The tension radiating from my mother was nothing new and the sour look on her face told me I didn’t have to wait long before I knew what I did wrong.
I stood beside her wanting to touch her, wanting her to touch me, longing for a tug to pull me closer, a warm arm on my shoulder, to see a slight smile would make my week. Instead a whole day apart got me the cold shoulder.
I racked my brains to see what I had done wrong. Woke up, got dressed, traveled to the event location, had lunch, listened to the program and met family.
Woke up, dressed, in the car, lunch, program and had fun.
Up, is it what I am wearing? The car ride was uneventful, lunch, program and now we are here with family.
Turning towards the exit, my mother looked at me and said, “lay off the bread tomorrow, you look pregnant”
“You look pregnant, lay off the food. How stretched out do you want to be”
“Yeah, I didn’t realize, I don’t want to look pregnant”
I followed her outside, knowing all too well I would not be eating during the remaining two days. I didn’t want to look pregnant at the age of 14.
“You are making too much noise, they will hear us”
“They won’t if you stop talking”
Putting the cold pizza in the microwave was not an option, the noise would definitely call our mothers downstairs.
Cold pizza for a midnight snack with your favorite cousin was amazing.
Putting the first slice in my mouth…
“What are you doing”
“You are going to put the weight back on”
“Stop eating right now”
“Can’t you control yourself, dinner was five hours ago”
… I was unable to swallow, you see each word uttered by my mother got louder and the pin drop silence of others did not help. An embarrassment to myself is what she called my situation.
These “incidents go on for years” I moved out last year and still the grip is tight as ever. I have no self esteem, no confidence. All I want to do is live my life, I want to get a haircut instead of hearing I should wait to lose weight. I want to buy new clothes instead of waiting for the clothes to fit. I have already lost so much time working towards being the ideal daughter, I want to love myself for my own and my baby daughter’s sake.
I live as a SAHM, we have a fixed income. If anyone could donate, it would be appreciated. Thank you for listening.