Hi there,
Hope this message will find you well in these very uncertain times. It is very weird and not easy for me to be here talking about my life and admitting that this time, I am the one in need of help. I guess sending a bottle in the ocean in the vortex that is internet has its plus and sharing with strangers its benefits. I am not in the street, I am quite healthy and I am fortunately loved by many. Probably why I am the first one not considering needing help but I have to réalise and mostly confess the prison of debts I am now in for a while. And it keeps on digging and I feel powerless. Despite how hard I try, I do not seem to get my head out of the water for long enough. No matter what I do to add money, I am never able to make a dent significant enough to finally breath better. I am too ashamed to share this burden with my family. They are the one I should be giving to. That was and still is my goal. What a failure… They have done enough and leaving for north america from europe was my choice. With the pandemic I am stuck in Canada but to be honest I could not afford to see them and it rather makes it easier to explain. I hate to speak about my money problem as I am hurt everytime they may think I am a spender or that I put myself in such situation by just buying stuff for me that I could not afford. I do not feel ashamed of where I am, I feel stupid for letting this situation getting to that point, for not caring enough and knowing so little. I am stupide I will give you that as I have a pretty good brain and it should have been working better on that issue … I just kept moving, telling myself it will get better. I am hard working, I had salaries but not enough to reimburse faster than the interest.
I am responsible for not being financially aware of the practice in Canada and for letting this hole getting bigger and bigger. Money is something but unfortunately for me is just a “thing” that I use when I have it to make people happy, giving is much better… I am what you would say, “generous to a fault” … And that did not help as I never put money on the side. So why would I ask for help if I am the one to blame ? I do not feel guilt, I had a succession a bad luck and while the wheel always turn but it seems to turn very slowly for me ;)
I am not sure how I ended up where I am here. Starting in canada was rough financially with very low wage with temporary visa. Spent all my savings in immigration fees and cost of living. I had two difficult break up (same guy, 10 years) that cost me a lot of money. I started to borrow. My cats got sick multiple times and the vet bills were just crazy but what can you do ? Domino is a tuxedo cat that followed me everywhere since 14 years. Since the break up he is all I have and I will sell my liver before telling the vet not to save him.
The wheel turn but it seems to be turning slowly for me :)
After the break up, I got let go due to COViD 19 and I got stuck on a lease and apartment I could not afford with landlords bullying me to the panic attack. But I was tied up and I borrowed even more. I had health issues and accidents. A bad fall, a concussion, immune system issues due to stress and fatigue I guess. I am not complaining, I am fighting as much as I can and I am surely not a quitter! I will get out of this hole, it is not an option anyway… and will never be there again. I dream of this day where I can start fresh and breath properly looking forward to what I can finally do.
I have a project I would love to work on the side, I would love to contribute more and be one day in a position to help and change a life. I believe I did so already and that is why despite all the debts in the world, I will keep smiling. I know it is a confusing message, sorry. Karma has not been very good to me, and despite the world we are living in I hope you will genuine believe me when I tell you how much others have been the centered of my life. I am one on those unicorn altruist of people and guess what I understand why they never get rich :)
Seriously… I am somehow hoping that there is someone like me out there that is in a position of giving and that will do so just to know that they help be breath a bit better and give me back this ting I used to love: hope.
Hope to find the freedom again to think of life as a field of opportunities and not a prison with very little light. The more I writer the more I réalisé that I am not really asking but just wishing. I wish for a fresh start and the ability to work on my future and project while staying who I am and helping others. I may not have a lot money to give but trust me, I find ways! ( I volunteer in a very good charity for youth in needs of mentors, kidstart, I recommend!!).
Anyway, thank you for reading and not judging or mocking my words.
Take care,
Maggie
https://paypal.me/Mig974?locale.x=en_US