Last week I wrote a very long, very detailed post establishing what kind of troubles my wife, my kids and I have dealt with over the past year and a half. I re-read and revised and re-read the post 10 times before posting it. It was the summation of our tribulations and trials of moving to NC away from a tiny, ignorant, bigoted town in upstate NY. I spent hours writing what I needed to be the most important ask I’ve ever mustered up courage for. Because I don’t ask for help. Even when all else has failed and it’s seemingly necessary. I grin and bear it, I hustle and grind, I exhaust every last option I have and if I run out of options, I push harder until I find another. It’s not even a prideful thing, I just know that there are people in this worlds that have it so much worse than I or my children ever will, and I don’t want to accept any amount of help that someone somewhere else needs 10 times over. Despite the best of my intentions, I came to realize I’m doing my children and my wife a disservice by remaining unwilling to accept any sort of help during the worst of times. I decided it was time. I didn’t know what else to do. I tucked the tail and put my pride down, and opened myself up to the possibility of asking someone else for help. Along the journey I was given this website. I had to admit to myself that I hadn’t exhausted every option if I didn’t at least give it a chance. So I buckled down and got to writing out my sorrows, in hopes that someone could at least point me in a better direction. And after typing away into the night, I sat before the “SUBMIT POST” button on the bottom of the screen asking myself, is there really no other way? Doesn’t it ever get any easier? Am I really meant to fail over and over and over again while raising 6 children with God’s Gift of a wife? And in that moment, I realized myself to be a larger detriment to my family than I am a provider. Holding back tears, I clicked the submit post button. And just before the next page loaded I remembered the keen advice I was given at the beginning of this journey to include a link to my PayPal account so that anyone interested would be able to contact me. That was the straw that broke the camels back. I wrote a 150 page dissertation for the needs of my family that I haven’t been able to fulfill, and I neglected to include a link to my PayPal. I couldn’t even ask for money correctly. It’s sincerely a talent being this inept. Honestly, it took so much for me mentally and emotionally to actually sit and write it that am confident in saying I will likely never express any of its content the same way again. And so here I sit, yet again pining to a strange world to understand some random guy rambling about his failures as a leader. Suffice it to say, I just don’t have it in me anymore. Guess I’ll have to work harder.
www.paypal.me/relikofman
$relikofman
Please help me find the will to keep going. My children need me, but they might just be better off without me.