Last week I wrote a very long, very detailed post establishing what kind of troubles my wife, my kids and I have dealt with over the past year and a half. I re-read and revised and re-read the post 10 times before posting it. It was the summation of our tribulations and trials of moving to NC away from a tiny, ignorant, bigoted town in upstate NY. I spent hours writing what I needed to be the most important ask I’ve ever mustered up courage for. Because I don’t ask for help. Even when all else has failed and it’s seemingly necessary. I grin and bear it, I hustle and grind, I exhaust every last option I have and if I run out of options, I push harder until I find another. It’s not even a prideful thing, I just know that there are people in this worlds that have it so much worse than I or my children ever will, and I don’t want to accept any amount of help that someone somewhere else needs 10 times over. Despite the best of my intentions, I came to realize I’m doing my children and my wife a disservice by remaining unwilling to accept any sort of help during the worst of times. I decided it was time. I didn’t know what else to do. I tucked the tail and put my pride down, and opened myself up to the possibility of asking someone else for help. Along the journey I was given this website. I had to admit to myself that I hadn’t exhausted every option if I didn’t at least give it a chance. So I buckled down and got to writing out my sorrows, in hopes that someone could at least point me in a better direction. And after typing away into the night, I sat before the “SUBMIT POST” button on the bottom of the screen asking myself, is there really no other way? Doesn’t it ever get any easier? Am I really meant to fail over and over and over again while raising 6 children with God’s Gift of a wife? And in that moment, I realized myself to be a larger detriment to my family than I am a provider. Holding back tears, I clicked the submit post button. And just before the next page loaded I remembered the keen advice I was given at the beginning of this journey to include a link to my PayPal account so that anyone interested would be able to contact me. That was the straw that broke the camels back. I wrote a 150 page dissertation for the needs of my family that I haven’t been able to fulfill, and I neglected to include a link to my PayPal. I couldn’t even ask for money correctly. It’s sincerely a talent being this inept. Honestly, it took so much for me mentally and emotionally to actually sit and write it that am confident in saying I will likely never express any of its content the same way again. And so here I sit, yet again pining to a strange world to understand some random guy rambling about his failures as a leader. Suffice it to say, I just don’t have it in me anymore. Guess I’ll have to work harder.
Please help me find the will to keep going. My children need me, but they might just be better off without me.