This isn’t something I normally wanted to do but I really need help. I’m 21, male and I live with my fiance in a rural part of Ireland. I’m unemployed and disabled mentally and suffer from severe PTSD, depression, anxiety and other issues.
When I was 12, I was kicked in my testicle. My testicle grew to the size of a pineapple. But being so young and with my mother in bad health and my father struggling to keep his 4 kids and Children afloat, I did everything I could to hide my pain. Over the years the testicle grew more and more, I was bullied in school to the point I left education, I was sexually abused by my uncle and I was convinced that what I believed was testicular cancer would kill me. By age 18 I couldn’t date, I couldn’t participate in any hobbies or physical activities and I was unable to even sleep or lay on my side and stomach. My mental health deteriorated, I tried to take my life and I failed. My mother’s health was even worse at this point and still my family did not know of my illness. 4 years later (yea, i hid this large testicle for over 10 years) I somehow found my way to a doctor’s office and once they saw my illness, I was immediately sent for tests and to the best urologist In the country, but my mental health and physical health was still bad. I had the surgery to remove the testicle and I was informed that it would most likely require chemo and radiology treatments. At this point we did not matter to me truthfully though because I had already believe that I would have died years ago. But somehow I got through and it turned out that I had an extremely rare form of haematoma the mimicked the symptoms of late stage 3 testicular cancer.
Once that was over if, I would love to deal with the mental side of my ordeal. The illness has taken away my entire childhood. I eventually met my partner Darren, and together we’ve moved into a small home near where my parents live. We were there for a few months but for the first time in my life I was… Kind of happy. I felt like this thing that has made me a monster… This enormous testicle… The thing I thought was kill me…it was gone. And I was madly in love with Darren.
Shortly after though, Darren’s father passed away unexpectedly. To support Darren, I offered that myself and him will give up our home (which for me was the start of my life) to move in with his grieving mother who lived in the middle of nowhere with no means of transportation. So that is what we did. We gave up our house and home, the little semblance of livelihood and Happiness that I had finally found…. We gave it up for his family, people I barely knew.
It was only shortly after moving in that the abuse started. I have begun to become more depressed and anxious and started self-harming more. This was because it was clearly evident that his family disliked me. There are several occasions where there was alcohol involved (I don’t drink at all) and there was abuse brought in my Direction by his mother and his brother. I have stayed at their house for the last year to support a family that absolutely detests me. To support a family that will openly admit their hatred for me, that have no problem with referring to me as scum. I think I was just there to all to grieve the loss of their father though because I was kicked out on several occasions for no reason. It was during this time that I tried to take my life a second time. I was living in a small room… Their spare room…My health was deteriorating as my conditions were worsening and my mentality decreasing. The strain on my relationship with my partner was becoming too much and I felt like I was for some reason the main thing that was creating the tie and the hatred between me and his family. I thought I would be better if I wasn’t here.
Somehow and I don’t know how, we managed successfully after long year we managed to leave. To get out of their.
We now just moved into our own little house that we rent. I am trying to get disability allowance but I don’t know how long that will take. My partner is trying his best to look after me but to bring in some money too. But I’m still struggling. We don’t know how we are going to continue until my claim is sorted, we really need some help…any help. Financial help won’t cure my mental illness, but at least it might give my partner and I a chance to try and get a grasp on things….to get stabilized. My health is getting worse but I’m continuing with my therapy but we don’t know how to get out of this rut and no one I know can help. We can’t afford to pay for utilities like rent, electricity….not until my disability claim goes through and we don’t know how long that will take.
If you should decide to help me….thank you. Truly. Thank you so so much. You dont know how much it means to me .
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