Hi my name is Lynn, I would first like to thank you for taking the time to read my personal journey. Since at a very young age I always noticed I was treated differently by both my mom’s family and my father’s family. I always felt like I didn’t belong and as a result I felt extremely lonely. This is probably the main reason animals have always played an important role in my life. My parents divorced when I was 14 years old. Let’s say it wasn’t pleasant, it was ugly and nasty and us kids were told ugly things about our father that no children should ever know or hear. The judge allowed us to choose which parent we wanted to live with which resulted in two of us with my mom and two with our father. Those results quickly changed because us siblings wanted to be together so we all ended with our father. The court ordered my father to stay in Miami Florida until the youngest was 18. He did not comply and as quickly as our parents divorced my grandmother on my fathers side just as quickly brought my fathers high school sweetheart from Venezuela to Florida. They married and moved us to Tampa Florida away from my mom. My fathers family from Venezuela would always visit and go to Bush Gardens and Walt Disney never once inviting us to come along. So we were always left alone. I decided to move to Miami to be with my mom. It felt like the moment I left Tampa my father got rid of any evidence that I had ever existed. He gave away all my belongings clothes, guitars, skates, bike anything I had in his home. Unfortunately my mom soon remarried As well to a very abusive alcoholic and chain smoker. I went from being a teenager to being a child living in survival mode. My step father would beat my mother every night, police were constantly called to the house. My mom would be beaten severely, many a times I thought she was dead. In those times the police could not arrest someone. The policeman would use excuses your legally married, even though it was my mothers house nothing mattered. They could only arrest him if he had killed one of use. Can you imagine what a nightmare that was to a child to hear that we could not be protected from this abusive man! Mind you this was a time when the movie first born and Burning Bed came out. For those who have not seen these movies they are about domestic violence. Everyday I watched the news on TV how a man killed his wife. This was a regular thing to hear on TV, sad to say. There were no women shelters to help people like us. When the violent beating happened sometimes my mom would take us to my grandparents. So, yes, the family knew what was going on but they all thought that if they didn’t speak to us, or invite over for the holidays that it wasn’t happening. Sad truth of it, it was happening
I felt betrayed and hurt because my mom’s family has always judged me, belittled me and emotionally abandoned me, abandoned us. I felt bad for my mom because she was always close to her family. So I was hurt and sad for her. How could a family allow a teenager to go back to living in that situation like that and act like we never existed. My father never called not even on my birthday or holidays. No presents or birthday cards. I was totally invisible to the police, family everyone. No one would help or care to help. I dropped out of school, not because I wasn’t smart or that I wanted that for myself. I dropped out to work just two days a week at Burger King. Worked enough or worked what I was legally allowed at my age so that I could buy meat, large bag of rice and a few cans of beans. This food that I would buy I left at my neighbors house. There I would cook so that my mother and I would have something to eat because my step father would throw away our food. If my mom bought coke cola he would pour it down the sink. Many a nights my mom would come home from work walk to my bedroom window where I kept the screen lose so my mom could hand me a bag containing a hamburger, fries and a coke. Then my mom would walk inside the house, act like she was going to kiss me goodnight so she could have a bite of food. I lived with kitchen knives under my mattress for protection. I lived with having guns put to my head and yet still nothing could be done because they were legally married. Once again the justice system failed us. I was sexually, emotionally and physically abused. My mom’s family chose to belittle me and judge me instead of offering sympathy and help. Finally they divorced, my mom actually told me it was all my fault he was gone. I was like WTF! I always say my mom had gotten hit in the head one to many times. At the age of 18 and a half I had my daughter Megan. My mom drove us to my grandparents house where I would be treated like dirt. My aunt and cousin would not acknowledge my daughter or even look in our direction. My aunt told my grandmother in front of me that when her daughter got married and had kids she would have real grandchildren. I could not stand up for myself because in my mom’s family if you spoke up for yourself you were wrong. I was not going to allow my daughter to experience the judgment and belittling that I grew up with. So I told myself I would never go back to my grandparents house or see my mothers family ever again. I of course coming from a dysfunctional family I never knew to have a normal or functional relationship. I made a joke of it growing up by saying I had a God given gift of a bad picker of men but that I was choosing not to embrace this gift. Unfortunately all but one relationship was abusive, physically and mentally. It became a preference of mine to be physically abused rather than mentally because bruises heal. Being mentally abused caused me to break even more. I did marry and my husband encouraged me to go back to get my GED and I did. He was a good man and I loved his parents because they truly loved me! I called them mom and dad and for the first time in my life they were the closest thing to having parents! I still love them and call them mom and dad though I divorced their son. Like I said I never had a good foundation of learning how to have a functional relationship. Over the years I suffered sexual abuse from my bosses at work and when I heard yelling or smelled cigarette smoke I would feel like a deer in headlight syndrome. At least that is what I called it but it was PTSD from all the childhood trauma. I don’t like to be around people who drink alcohol or smoke because they are trigger’s of my PTSD. Yelling and loud noises are also trigger’s. I am now 55 and I find myself all alone after my fiancé of almost 5 years dumped me. He cheated, lied was mentally abusive. I helped clean his house, remodeled it, cut the grass on 54 acres, did all the yard work, fixed 12 years of undone taxes in his small business and I wasn’t good enough anymore. He left me with nothing and completely destroyed a person that was already broken. It is not easy at my age to pick yourself up after picking yourself up and being your own cheerleader for so many years. I don’t have family, emotional support or friends. So I’ve become so overwhelmed with severe depression, anxiety, and PTSD and I’ve become agoraphobic. I was recently approved for mental disability which helped me get an apartment which sounds like a blessing but having all that abuse, an apartment complex is a huge trigger for my PTSD. So I am struggling to survive. I’ve tried to commit suicide more times than I would like to admit. I cry when I see a happy family only because I wish they could adopt me but I’m too old. I crave the love of parents, for love in general. All I truly want is a beautiful mobile home on a couple of acres where I can have chickens, quiet and peace and be able to see God’s Grace in the wind blowing in the trees, the fireflies in the summer and the snow falling from the sky in the winter
there is so much more to this story and if asked I would be willing to share. I am praying 🙏 that someone with God and love in their hearts 🥰 could help me raise the money to make this dream a reality of having a home in the country. I have a mobile home picked out and I pray that seeing it on my cell phone will help make it a reality. I have love in my heart and sadness. I pray that I am not judged because there is so much more to my story like I did finish my education and I was a nurse but my demons ( mental illness) have gotten the better of me and with all the sadness in the world right now it has become harder for me.