I never figured I would be here.
Time has beaten down the advancements, the wage increases, the opportunities. These days you may gain an inch, but it’s futile; you’ve suddenly fallen back a foot. You gain nothing. You can’t get ahead.
I feel like I’m digging my own grave. Debt is a bottomless hole. Student loans are a vicious loan shark. Why did I do this to myself? Why do any of us? Everyday I regret the money I spend, but I need to live. My family has needs.
But I am now at this point. Lost and looking for hope. I do hope. I hope for help.
Between supporting my children and my father on dialysis I feel stretched thin. Money is thinner. With prices flourishing, I’m left floundering. Gas is just so expensive. Yet dialysis waits for no man. We can’t just say ‘no’ and skip a day.
There is no time in the day or weeks to catch up. Well never gain what we’ve lost. And so here I am. Begging, pleading, digging in my heals hoping someone could slow down this spiral.
I live on the edge. Pay check to pay check. Always just enough to get by. Anyone who’s been in this position knows the struggle. You just keep treading water. Maybe there’s a dingy out there somewhere. But we never actually get dry.
I’ve had three pay raises in this past year. I’m at $20/hour now. That’s twice as much as I made five years ago. You’d think I would be comfortable by now. Think again.
My name is Lauren and I’m in debt. $60,000. That’s a lot of money. For me it is. For me it’s a lifetime. Interest rates declare it as such.
It hurts to look at myself in the mirror when I know this was my fault. I can’t stand my failure. Before it was just me. School seemed natural. But loans swallow you whole before you even crack open the first book. Years have since past, and still I am living in the belly of the whale.
I look fondly upon my two kids children. I hope I can live up to be the hero they deem me to be. But I doubt it.
I strive to help my father. I’ll take him to every appointment; even as it eats the fuel.
My husband, a man deemed “essential” during the pandemic only makes a minimum wage. He mostly stays home with the children. Childcare is too expensive to even try.
Help. I beg. I plead. I cry. Help. I will take any millimeter of tender consideration, love, and empathy. My heart would heal ever so slightly at any charity. My pride is no barrier.
With my humblest thanks,
Lauren
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