Hello world, I’m Anabelle.
I do not even know where to start… so I guess I will begin with where I am at currently and then attempt to explain how I arrived here.
I am two months behind on rent, and presently on leave from my job which I love. My emotional state and a severely abusive relationship was causing me to call out of work and I knew I was walking on thin ice. I went to HR because I wanted them to know I respect and love my job and do not want to screw it up. I believe in working hard and taking pride in whatever job we do. The company I am with I want to be with forever and try to work my way up. I was hired in December 2018 and was promoted in May 2019, so I already started my climb! HR suggested taking a leave to get everything in order. The leave it unpaid and I am trying to get disability to make up for at least some lost wages during this time, it is just a lengthy process its seeming.
There is so much that has gone on it is really hard to stay focused and explain everything in order. I do not have any family. My one family member would be my dad but he chose his girlfriend and my brother over me. His girlfriend hates me and basically gave him an ultimatum. So that’s that. He’s a narcissist anyway and was not healthy to have in my life… hence the men I have attracted. My most recent relation being with a very abusive guy and i would not go to work because I was embarrassed about bruises I had. I’ve always been pretty timid in relationships and going out of my way to help and be there for the other person, and I guess I got taken advantage of because of that. I got involved with drugs and have always drank, but the drinking got really bad. I contracted Hep C through the drug use which I guess was inevitable. I also have been diagnosed with cardiomyopathy which I know is from years of drug use, or I think at least. I can’t change some of this stuff but I want to try and live a good life.
I spent so much money on other people because I felt they needed it more than I did… whether it was for gas, food, drugs, whatever. Now here I am with nothing left. Like I said I am very late with rent, my phoned bill is due in a few days, I missed my last car payment, and my checking account is negative and has a bunch of overdraft fees now. I cashed in all my change I had finally and that was $30 so it helped a little with gas and some snacks for home. I also have student loans that are just something I can’t even begin to think about. Those payments are getting backed up now too which I hate.
I just want to get out of this hole and I hope someone out there can help me. I really need it. That bad relationship has been over for over a month now and I got out on my own. I stopped the drinking and drugs then on my own also with no help from anyone. I tried to sleep it off and also watch shows and youtube videos on my phone. I have some books I like a lot about the universe so immersed myself in that to distract from this reality. The real bad pieces are gone but I still feel so sad and just hopeless sometimes. I thankfully have free health insurance through the state and have some appointments scheduled with a doctor, and am trying to get in with one of the therapists who works down the street. I am trying to move in the right direction. Money stuff does not help at all and I feel like I am drowning. :(
If I could get out of this hole, start some regular therapy, and get back to work soon- I know I can be ok. I would also like to save up to move away because I would like a fresh start. My work has offices all over the country so moving is totally possible. My dream is to live in a cabin in the woods one day.
Could someone please help? I would be happy to talk on the phone about everything if you feel you could give some good advise too and maybe be some type of support, other than financial.
I appreciate any help at all!
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