Pride goes out the window the more desperate you become in life, but the anonymity of the internet at least provides a tool to do something I would never do in person, and thus this desperate act is born.
Organizing my thoughts into something coherent and logical that conveys everything I want to succinctly probably isn’t likely to happen in the following. This is born out of a worry that I’ll either die before I actually get a chance to enjoy life or retire and be too old to. This is probably my version of a midlife crisis, but here we are. I’m in that period of life where I’ve been working for over 20 years but still have another 20 years until retirement. Life has had its ups, but mainly downs and is currently an endless loop of wake up, go to work, finish work, eat, sleep and repeat like some sort of mindless automaton. The drudgery of a mundane existence, trapped in a prison of my own design where I need to work to pay the bills and desperately want things to change but know they won’t. You’re born, you keep your head down, then you die…if you are lucky.
Without boring anyone too much who might read this with the explicit details of my life, approximately 20 years of it I was either depressed, suffered from low self-esteem, had crippling social anxiety or wished for death. I now identify as an autistic misanthrope. For a long period I assumed I’d utter the words “How beautiful life is now that my time has come” when the sweet release of death finally came, but it never did. It wasn’t until I finally got through that period of life that I realized I’d wasted a large portion of my existence and missed countless opportunities. Everything is of my own doing so there is no one to blame but myself…hindsight is a b**ch as they say. The realization of that abject failure is cold comfort. I know I will die with a multitude of regrets no matter what happens, and I accept that for what it is but there is still a glimmer of hope that somehow my future might be brighter than my past, even if that is an ever-diminishing hope.
I’m not a member of the snowflake generation, ie everyone is a precious little snowflake that is bound for greatness, but I’m also not a stupid person either. I expected life to be a lot different to how it turned out. If anything I am what would be considered a middle income earner with a somewhat successful career but if I were to judge myself I would consider myself a complete and utter failure that hasn’t achieved anywhere near their full potential. I was always my harshest critic but I don’t consider that assessment to be too far from the truth. I also don’t see any purpose to work anymore so motivation is somewhat hard to come by these days, but then again I have a good job as a white-collar professional that pays reasonably well in a first world country so really I’m just a whinger who needs to suck it up as there are so many people worse off than myself, but yet I can’t shake this desperate need for a cataclysmic change in my life and that inherent self-centeredness that the majority possess puts my own needs first.
Anyway I may as well get to the point so I can wrap this up as this is more of a Hail Mary type activity that I think is a one in a million chance of success, but still better odds than winning the lottery. I should clarify that I’m not religious in any way whatsoever so the “Hail Mary” reference is purely in a non-religious context, I’ve been beaten down and seen enough in life enough to know that there is no god, no karma (at least in this life) and no such thing as fate so praying to some magical sky fairy is a waste of my time so I’ll try and see if random chance works since that seems to be how most success is born (I’ll at least stop short of writing a discourse on that topic).
The ultimate goal of this? Some philanthropist with more money than they know what to do with sends a portion my way. Like I’ve said this is a long shot so there is no expectation on my part it will actually work out, really just trying to keep that slight glimmer of hope that gets me through the days burning a little longer. Failing a rich philanthropist I don’t mind being bequeathed a fortune by someone with no heirs, but that would likely require more than just a Paypal transaction and the chances of me trusting anyone that contacts me is pretty well non-existent. Hell at this point I’d take blood money or whatever I could really (noting that any cartels looking for a drug mule can keep looking, that’s not a path I’ll be taking). And what would I do with the money in the very unlikely event some miracle occurs:
$50K – Actually get my house to a state where I don’t have to worry about the roof blowing away in strong winds or collapsing from subsidence and rotting stumps
$250K – Be able to afford the infrastructure required to launch a business that might mean I can finally escape the drudgery of my current existence
$500K – Enough to launch business and only require one other person. I do loathe having to rely on people but you do what you have to (ironic given I’m begging for money from some miraculous benefactor)
$1M+ – The freedom of options. Most likely I would invest half in ETF’s and launch the business with the other half as well get those house repairs done.
I do believe in the whole “pay it forward” concept, even though I loathe the saying but would endeavour to do the same if I were ever given the chance (again ironic given my tendency to be misanthropic but I never said I wasn’t a contradiction). There was a time when I believed in charity and helping the masses for the greater good until even that was tainted by how much is either eaten up in administration fees and never really reaches those in need or a tax write off for people with more money than they need anyway. Those ultra rich with their foundations for tax minimisation purposes to build their nepotistic empires I find oddly fascinating yet completely alien to myself as I always found the constant accumulation of wealth when you have more than enough a hollow existence, but hey lets not try and offend my target audience.
Anyway I should look to start wrapping this up, I at least hope that maybe someone with a dark sense of humour found parts amusing, or maybe someone empathized but weren’t in a position to help in any way, but I’d take that generous rich philanthropist over them any day. I’ll end this by saying that money might not buy you happiness, but it sure as hell buys you options and opportunities.
My eternal gratitude if something actually does come of this and my paypal is PayPal.Me/gorathghaalskagg a pseudonym that doesn’t buy me the complete anonymity I had hoped for, thanks Paypal. GorathGhaalskagg@hotmail.com if the assets aren’t liquid and bequeathal is the chosen option (scammers and Nigerian princes need not waste their time).