I don’t really know how to start this….
I am a 23 year old woman who is at the end of her rope. I feel so lost and stuck, and I honestly don’t know where to go from here.
I had been depressed all of my teenage years, I thought it would be something I grew out of. I thought it was a normal thing everyone went through. It’s not something we talk about in my family- they do not believe in mental illness. They can accept disabilities that regular doctors can diagnose, but having to see a therapist or psychologist was out of the question. I just wanted to know what was wrong with me.
When I was in twelfth grade, all my classmates were talking about college and university, and all I could think about was just wanting to be done with it all so I could breathe. I begged my parents to let me take time off, a leap year or something so I could get my head straight so I would be ready for post secondary, and really give it my all. They told me I HAD to go do post secondary right after high school. They always told me that they would help me pay for school, and as scared as I was of failing, I still went. I chose a school far away from my family so I could find myself a little bit. I was not quite happy, but I was better. My first year of college I asked my parents to leave, I told them it was too much and I couldn’t handle it. They said to me “it’s just 2 years, after that you’re free” and I did my best. At the very beginning of my second year of college, I was almost raped by a boy I thought was my friend. A colleague. I remember the night so vividly, I told him to stop and he wouldn’t. He stopped when I started sobbing- not just crying. I was so scared I couldn’t move, and I fell asleep in his bed. The next morning I went back to my room and got in the shower and cried until there were no more tears. It took me a month to tell anyone. First I told out bosses, and they called security, and security called the police. I had to repeat what happened 4 times, and then the police read it back to me… it took everything left in me to not cry more. Over the next couple of weeks I spoke to the police more, once again I had to tell my story, and they asked if there was any photographic or video evidence, and there was not. They told me something I will never forget- without evidence, it was his word against mine, and nothing could be done about it. I did what I was supposed to do, I told the right people, and this boy was still walking around the campus. The worst part of it was, he never denied it happening, not to the police… but he changed one detail, the fact that I begged him not to touch me. The school administration did something amazing then, and they kicked him out. It was the first time I felt heard. I wanted to leave that school, they did the right thing to try and help me, but I just couldn’t be there anymore. My back up school became the worst place for me, because that is where my attacker went. I was at a loss, I didn’t know what to do, and since I already paid, I stayed in the same school. I got to my lowest point, and was not going to class, or even getting out of bed most days. I didnt eat, I didnt shower, someone literally had to feed me. Since I wasn’t going to class, student loans cut me off, and I had to pay for second semester out of my own pocket. I finally started seeing a psychologist at a hospital behind my parents back, just to try and get better. It didn’t work. Overall school cost me $30k.
At the same time I was dating someone manipulative, and beyond controlling, and he took a toll. He never hit me, but he beat my spirit down, until there was nothing left to me. I forgot how to smile.
Over the years I’ve gotten what work I could, but nothing lasting, nothing substantial, and then I started dating another boy. He was from another country, and I thought I was in love. My family warned me to never give him any money, and I didn’t, but I did tell him that I would help him in any way I could. I ended up spending half of every paycheque on him. I never gave it to him in cash, but I bought him furniture, food… anything you can think of I helped pay for or paid for it outright. I have never moved to another country, but I know it could be financially difficult, so i tried to help him in any way I could. He bought himself a tv, new phone, smart watch, and more junk food than I can even believe. And then he left. He went back to his home country, and I had no money, no boyfriend, my credit card had been maxed out, and I really hadn’t healed.
I got a seasonal job over the Christmas season, and then it ended. I sent out resumes, and filled out applications, but didnt hear back, and then COVID hit and there was nothing available. Yes, I have applied to grocery stores, and post offices, and warehouses, but I haven’t heard back yet. My debt is looming, weighing heavily on me, and I have taken to selling my belongings online, it’s not easy. I take every cent of my sales to my debt, but it’s not enough.
I know, I’ve just told you a story that’s long, and maybe you don’t care, but I am almost at the same place in my life where I don’t shower. I’ve considered suicide, and I am trying everything I can to not feel the pressure, but I can’t. All I want is to pay off my debt, once that is settled, I think I will be able to breathe. I want to go back to school after this is over, I was going to start this October, but it all depends on this lockdown. I am not an on line learning person, I need to go into class and sit down and learn the old fashioned way. I would greatly appreciate any help, there is no minimum, there is no maximum. I’m just asking for help.
I’ve attached my paypal, thank you so much for anyone who can spare any money in a time like this. I wish good things upon all of you.