It has been a long road for me, with some bad choices with good intentions. But now I have three children and the weight of the debt incurred is staggering and it’s time to ask for help. I am embarrassed, but desperate.
I should say first, that I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Just from the sheer madness and instability my life, it was inevitable. I was molested as a child, and it started a lifelong journey of self loathing and despair. I put myself in situations I never should have been in, and associated with people I shouldn’t. Because of that behaviour, I was raped when I was 20 years old, while in college (trying to do some upgrading that I needed at the time). After the rape, I just couldn’t quite deal with my life. My life felt solidified in despair. There was no hope. So, I just continued being destructive, because in my mind, it didn’t matter what I did.
I married a man I didn’t love and who treated me like crap. He wasn’t exactly physically abusive as he was emotionally abusive. He would come home from work and I didn’t know who was coming through that door. Was he my friend? Was he my enemy? I gained around 60 lbs for the 19 months we were married. I hated my life. But leaving was a must.
I was transient for much of my 20’s.. living from one place to another, accumulating debt and trying to find happiness where I could. I married again, after my Father passed away. I think I was just trying to find some stability. That husband was a great guy, but I had too much baggage to stay. We had two (amazing) children together before I left. I was suffering from Postpartum Psychosis when I did leave, though. So part of it was my brain wasn’t mine. It belonged to whatever sadness took over.
Two months after having my second child, I rekindled a relationship with an old boyfriend (whom is now my husband). It was a bewildering year, to say the least. But, I DO believe I am with whom I should be with. We, together, create stability and it has been such a tremendous blessing. Last year we had a child together and it has been blissful..
That being said, our debts from my prior poor decisions have come to a place where we can’t possibly survive this. I am back in school – majoring in something that I am passionate about. I want to work with atypical children. Children that were like me.. children that slipped through the cracks. I need to do this.
My husband is a wonderful, caring man. He works with people with developmental delays and it warms my heart knowing that he does this. It just doesn’t pay enough (or enough hours) to pay off our debt. We’re at a tune of $70k. I know.. it’s staggering.
But if we could get out of this and start fresh – we could offer each other, our children and society so much. We’re both finally in a place emotionally that we are able to give back in other ways that are not monetary. I love to volunteer when I can. I do have three children, so time is a factor. But, with having that debt gone – I would be more free to spend my time more wisely.
I never thought in a million years that I would be begging online for money.
But, for my children, I will.
For my husband, I will.
For that little girl that I used to be.. that broken girl. She deserves a fresh start. So I’ll do it for her.
Please help. I implore you.
It will go to where it needs to go, that is a promise. Then hopefully one day, we’ll be in a position that we can help out a family that so desperately needs it.
Thank-you for listening.