Hi my name is Laurie. I actually feel ashamed for searching online to seek help with my financial situation but regardless of what anyone thinks, here I am. I’ve actually left my previous job 5 months ago due to how bad it affected my mental health. When I quit, I became depressed. I did not have any desire to leave my apartment for walks like I used to when I did work. In truth, the only reason why I went for walks is because the city bus was the only way I could get to work. Other than that, I barely left my apartment. Applying for a new job these days, especially after the pandemic is very difficult. There are people seemingly desperate for new hires but are picky to hire people. Within my application journey, I’ve applied for 20 different areas and only 3 were interested in an interview but no one willing to hire me. At this point I wondered to myself whether or not it’s me. “Am I suited for the job?” “Was it the things I said?” “Should I have not made myself sound desperate?” “Did I make myself sound desperate?” I feel like a terrible person because for the last 5 months of my job search and my lack of desire to leave my home, my fiancee is working her hardest to keep our heads above the overwhelming amount of rent, electricity bills and credit card bills. Our rent is $600 per month. That is fairly cheap for 2 people to pitch in and it was easy to keep up with it. In fact, we managed to get money stashed away for a few months of rent. It was so easy when I had a job. I am still actively looking in my area to work but I had put too much faith in waiting. That is all I ever did, just wait all while my partner is busting their butt to provide for the apartment. It has gotten to a point where her family had lost respect for me. I know I should not worry about what other people think of me, but with how my current mindset is, I feel ashamed. My partner is $10,000 in credit card debt, hardly any food in the fridge because of her paycheck going towards bills, debt, subscriptions, phone bill and of course rent. Any other reason her family to lose respect for me is beyond me but it is enough for me to want to give up. My partner on the other hand, bless her heart. That heart of hers is pure gold with how much she puts up with me. We went through a lot of disagreements and I am such a handful with the bs I gave her for absolutely no reason. She had been so understanding, patient. She spread so much love and compassion. Her behavior from day one has not changed. The only thing that has changed is how she feels about me. She tells me each day that she loves me. I know it’s real because that same sparkle in her eyes are still there. I don’t want to let her down. I want to keep helping her! Despite everything, she does not deserve to struggle on her own. I very much want to help her float. Make our boat even again so that we can float through the waters in our path instead of watching her paddle through the rough waters while I sulk in my depression. How I am these days is not me. I know it isn’t! My partner and I have been together for 6 years. Our anniversary is coming up on a few days and we did plan to get married last year but because of the pandemic, we decided to postpone until further notice. “One more time” is what I told myself. One more time.. but now, I don’t know how much longer I can wait.
If you have made it this far in my message, thank you for reading. Any amount of donation I welcome.