To whomever is generous enough to read my words, thank you!
I wrote here few days before Christmas and for whatever reason it wasn’t posted. I’m now officially homeless, sleeping in a homeless shelter as long as I can book the bed 6 hours in advance every night.
When I wrote here, it was short to the point and without giving context, I was in a bit of panic and trying to prevent the eviction. Now that I’m already evicted, I’ll try one last time to ask for help, maybe someone out there hears me. Writing here, begging for help, was never something I thought I’ll ever do, but life got me here.
I’m now homeless and deep in credit card debt and rent. To just pay off the minimum to breathe a little and the 3 months late rent, I need $30000. Let me tell you though how I got here in the first place.
I’m a 46 years old daughter of two narcissist parents. All my life I worked hard for my independence and setting boundaries, I suffer from PTSD and untreated depression. No matter, I still thought I did okay, comparing to my siblings that are in their 30’s and still live at home, totally frozen.
I had a career in the arts and culture in both the UK and Sweden. That even took me to the United Nations building bridges between refugee communities. Everything was under control and I had the distance needed from my family to keep sane. It all changed when the pandemic hit in 2020, I lost my job, came back to Sweden, and hade to financially support my siblings. Then bit by bit, my savings were gone, I tried hard to get a job, but it was difficult because the cultural sector was crumbling and is still not fully recovered until now. So I started to freelance consulting services to art institutions, the money from that wasn’t enough but I was grateful to be able to make ends meet, pay check to pay check. The last assignment I had was in June 2022, since then I’ve been living by my credit cards, while applying for any job I could get, got a watering job that is taking more time and effort but the pay isn’t worth it. Doesn’t cover any of my expenses except transportation and food. I continued to use my credit cards for everything, rent, bills everything, then I used to take from one card to pay back to another all this until November when I couldn’t pay anything anymore and my landlord was understanding, he couldn’t believe that someone with my experience and background would be jobless for that long. At the end he evicted me on Christmas Day two weeks ago but he kept all my stuff in the apartment. At the same time, the credit cards companies are after me wanting their money back. Which all in all comes up to $80000 with reminder and service charges growing by the day.
I really don’t see the point of living, long time ago I decided not to have any children and that this DNA should stop here, I tried to commit suicide many times, and every time I wake up in hospital, I’m disappointed. Because I can’t take it no more, there is just no point, I can’t feel any purpose for my life. At this age, single, toxic parasites for family. All I keep asking is, why am I here? To do what exactly? When nothing is working. This situation has also shown me, that my friendships are shallow, apparently no one likes someone with problems.
What is heartbreaking though is the fact that I’ve been paying 34% tax from the age of 16 to a country and system that isn’t built to support me in my time of need. The caseworker at the municipality told me to my face: you don’t fit the profile to be on welfare.
If you have read this far, I’m immensely humbled and grateful.
I’ve never begged anyone for anything in my life. Even if no one can help me, at least someone read my story.
https://www.paypal.me/beequeena?locale.x=en_SE
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