Hi. My name is Victoria Pickel. I go by Vikki. I just turned 51 last week.
My life got turned upside down in April of 2020. I ended up in the hospital and not exactly sure what happened. I lost alot of IQ points. Things that used to be easy are very hard for me to figure out now.
My life history first. I learned quick not to depend on anyone. I started working at 15 while in high school. My parents were divorced and had their own problems. I lived with my dad and was definitely a “daddy’s girl”. He was an alcoholic. He suffered a bad stroke when I was very young and was unable to work. He passed away 20 years ago and it still hurts. My mom was an alcoholic, bipolar and had to have a man to take care of her. Her boyfriend raped me when I was 12. Mom blamed me and suggested I sleep with knife under my pillow to protect myself. I did that until I was in my 30s. My upbringing gave me low self esteem and I chose horrible men to be with. My first husband hit me alot and made my self esteem much worse. I stayed much longer than I should have because of my kids. I eventually left him. Several years later, I ended up with a worse husband than before. He scammed me into marriage even though he had no feelings for me. He was a convicted pedophile that had already served 10 years in prison. He said he was wrongfully accused and I believed him. Several years later, I was updating his phone and found disgusting videos. I should have reported these videos and sent him back to prison. Instead I deleted the videos and lied to myself. You are welcome to look him up, Buddy Allen Pickel of Bristol, Tennessee.
Back to April of 2020. I took alot of Benadryl. I loved someone that was really mean to me. I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. I woke up at the hospital. I did die and CPR was performed for 36 minutes. I think that’s what happened to my missing IQ points. I had to quit my job. I was night auditor at a hotel and couldn’t do my job anymore, especially dealing with the public or anyone in a uneasy situation. It causes major panic attack, any confrontational situation does. I had to let people be mean or take advantage because of this. I applied for social security disability as I worked my entire life and had the credits required. They sent me to 2 doctors. The first one said I had no short term memory. The 2nd doctor asked me to walk heel-to-toe for 5 steps. He had to grab my arm to keep me from falling. But I was still denied for disability. I appealed and was denied again. Not enough medical evidence. I don’t have insurance or the money to go to the doctor. I appealed and requested a hearing. They will give me 75 day notice of my hearing. I don’t understand the lengthy process of social security disability. They know a person can’t work but they take their time.
I’m living in my car with my small dog. Local shelters do not accept pets. My dog is all I have. I just can’t do this anymore. I need to sleep in a bed and stretch out. My legs have really been hurting alot. I would give anything to take a shower and have a toliet nearby. The weather is getting colder. I don’t know how much more I can take. My storage unit is past due and will be auctioned if I can’t pay soon. Any money I get will pay that storage unit and will rent me and dog a home. Hopefully will pay bills until I can be approved for social security. I also make jewelry to sell but hard to do living in a car.
I’ve been having really sad thoughts lately and starting to worry about them. I promised myself that I wouldn’t hurt myself again. It’s so hard living like this. I just want to feel like I’m a normal person and not scum of the earth. I know what it’s like to have no one. I known that for far too long.