I am asking for help with my car. I have had a Title Loan on my 2014 Camaro for 2 years now and owe in excess of 10,000 or turn it in on Monday! Wow! Yes. It’s shocking to hear and even more so that I allowed it to happen. I have been beating myself up so badly that I am being very destructive in all things it seems. Let me tell you more about myself. I had moved in with my father in another town when his wife died in a tragic accident. We all knew that my father was well taken care of by my step mother in that she waited hand and foot on him. So naturally we all believed he was going to need someone there with him. At that time, I needed him more than ever to be in my life as my parents divorced when I was eight. I was just turning 42 years old and my life seemed to have gone down that same old path I was so familiar with and had been down many times before. So we decided I would go live with him. You see I was diagnosed Bipolar II when I was 26 years old, I began medications and would spend the next 24 years off and on these prescriptions and hoped that soon one day I would find the right concoction of medications. A year after I was there I went to work in the oil industry for a CPA and made very good money. That’s when I bought my shiny new red Camaro and paid cash for it. This was a good time in my life and things seemed pretty normal for me finally. And then, all the symptoms the meds did not treat came creeping back in and old behaviors entered also. Eventually my father told me I would have to move out and at that time I was also laid off because of personal reasons. I was devastated and moved back to my hometown and my life since has slowly deteriorated for many reasons. It was so bad I had contemplated once again suicide. But then, miraculously I had a God send and my first grandchild was born. I struggled immensely with a drug addiction and gambling addiction but was able to maintain somewhat in the beginning as I always had. But I did want to continue with my mental health care and found Psychiatrist to help get me back on track. Except, this is when I found out that I had been misdiagnosed and learned that I had a mental illness called borderline personality disorder.
I was elated and devastated at the same time. I wasn’t just unable to control my behaviors but also had not received the correct treatment to get me on the right path. I was learning for the first time that my life choices were indeed indicative of a mental illness that affects the way my brain thinks. I finally was learning that I had not just been an irresponsible adult and a person who didn’t care about anyone but myself. My choices had been in direct line with what I always felt. That my childhood had indeed affect the way I processed the way I see life and how it can destroy me so easily.
It has been a few days now since I first started writing this. I have hidden my car and now I am scared to go outside and walk my dogs in fear that I will be arrested. I don’t know if I will get in trouble for just being honest and write the truth here……
I need so much help that I doubt anyone here will want to help me but I can only try because this is the only chance I might have before just ending it all just once and for all. I now have three grandchildren and I love them and my daughter’s so very much and am just becoming a burden to everyone. My only chance of getting better I believe is going to rehabilitation center that treats all that I am dealing with but not surprisingly has an enormous cost and I have no insurance. Oh I don’t know anymore what to do. I don’t even know if I got it right with a PayPal account.
If you read this and want to help me I believe this is how.
Thank you for reading