this off by saying I don’t urgently need money. It’s not a life or death situation, I’m able to afford the basics. I’m asking for money to try and get me out of a difficult situation faster, but it’s not urgent. Please only donate if you’re able afford to, and if it’s a choice between donating to me or donating to someone in an immediate crisis then please choose the other person.
I’m an ex-foster kid and I have a physical disability, various health issues and mental illnesses. I don’t have any contact with any of my family or my former foster carers, I was abused at home and then again in foster care so I’m better off without them in my life. But it’s hard being on my own and not having anyone to ask for support.
I lived indendently for a little while but I wasn’t coping and if it wasn’t for my boyfriend helping me during covid then I honestly would have died. So I’ve had to move into something called “supported living”- basically I’m in a flat in a building that has staff on site to help at all times and the other people living here all have their own mental health conditions or learning disabilities. It sounds great in theory, but my mental health and physical health have been spiralling down since I got here nearly a year ago.
I have severe PTSD as a result of what I’ve been through in the past, banging and shouting are triggers and give me flashbacks to past abuse. During flashbacks I feel extreme fear and panic, and physical pain. I get a lot of “body memories” which is when you physically feel something happening to you again. I feel myself being assaulted every time there’s a loud bang or someone shouts, and in that moment I don’t realise that it’s not really happening anymore. It’s terrifying.
As I mentioned, everyone else here has mental health issues or learning disabilities or Autism. Obviously it isn’t their fault, but the other tenants shout and scream, stomp and slam doors and throw things and punch walls on a daily basis. I’m constantly being triggered here, at least 50 times every single day and I’m on a constant state of high-alert. If I moved to another supported living service, there would be the same issues as people who use these services often experience similar behaviours as a result of their conditions. They aren’t quiet places to live. I’ve been informed by members of staff that this is actually the quietest service in the local area, so I dread to think how I would cope if I moved to one of the other ones.
My life is torture at the moment. I can’t sleep, I get horrific nightmares and I wake up constantly. The lack of sleep is making it even harder to cope with my emotions as well as making it even harder for me to get around. I have IBS (along with some other gastro-intestinal issues) which is worsened by stress and my symptoms have gotten so bad whilst living here that I’ve had to start getting my nutrition through pescription milkshakes because I can’t keep enough food down. I have severe diarrohea, stomach pain and nausea every single day and I’ve lost a lot of weight. Sometimes when I’m really stressed I even end up vomitting, which is especially awful as I have emetophobia (a phobia of vomit.)
The doctors were worried I had cancer due to my symptoms and weight loss (and I don’t thankfully) but that should explain how extreme things have gotten. I’ve had to start wearing children’s clothes as I can’t find anything in the adult departments to fit me anymore and that terrifies me. I can’t afford to lose any more weight and I’m scared that I will the way things are going.
I can’t take medication to help with my mental health or IBS as medication is also a trigger due to a traumatic past suicide attempt. If I take medication I physically feel like I’m dying for hours afterwards, that isn’t something I can put myself through every day and any positive outcomes from the medication would likely be cancelled out due to the stress of taking it. And honestly I’ve been on medication before and none of it’s helped. My therapist left last year and I’ve been unable to access any more help for my mental health because I can’t get through the initial assessment process, I’ve tried and they ask so many questions about past trauma right from the beginning that I just can’t cope with it. I’m literally not at a point where I’m mentally well enough to be able to access mental health help, which is ironic.
I’ve realised that my only hope of things getting any better is to get out of where I’m living. Supported living just isn’t an option for me, and I can’t cope with living on my on. Even if I had carers coming in to my home to help, I often need out of hours help and emergencies aren’t 9-5. My only option really is to move in with my boyfriend. He’s a huge help, both with my physical issues and my mental health issues. He’s the only one who knows how to calm me down from a panic attack or a flashback or a nightmare. But saving up to move out is easier said than done, my boyfriend is currently on minimum wage and working part-time (due to the amount he has to help me, even with me living in a place like this) and I’m on benefits. Most of my money each month goes on my heating bill as I have circulatory and joint issues that leave me always cold, as well as a weakened immune system that means I can get ill easily if I don’t stay warm enough. I’m doing my best to save, so is he, but we’re left with barely anything at the end of every month and at this rate it’s going to be years and years before we have enough money to move in together and honestly I don’t know if I can cope until then. I feel like I can’t manage here another day, let alone years. Benefits are getting reduced next month and energy bills are increasing again, so things are just going to get even harder. I’ve also recently had to buy a new bed and mattress due to a leak in my flat destroying my old ones, and I had to buy a new vacuum cleaner as my old one broke, which basically reduced the money I had managed to save back down to nothing. And unlike most young couples looking to move in together, we can’t just grab the cheapest flat we can find because we need somewhere that’s wheelchair accessible and has a wet room due to my disability. https://www.paypal.me/msbonnieray2?locale.x=en_US