Dear Kind Stranger,
I have the unfortunate and somewhat rare distinction of being an adult orphan since I was 39. For those that haven’t experienced this type of grief, being on this earth without anyone who brought you into it is unmooring, disorienting, and completely devastating; especially when you are as close to your parents as I was. I lost my father first and then five years later I lost my mother, my best friend, while I was five months pregnant with my son (who I had gone through four years of infertility treatments and miscarriages to bring into this world). The hole in my heart, in my very soul, felt and still feels at times, overwhelming to the point of sheer hopelessness.
Unfortunately, in addition to extensive counseling and therapy, I also self-soothed with the age-old practice of retail therapy. It has also been called overspending, emotional spending, and comfort shopping. No matter the name, spending money in an effort to feel better during tough times is nothing new. The problem arose when my grief splurges became chronic grief overspending.
I know this seems like an excuse to spend recklessly, but it has been studied extensively and these studies show that when we feel low, our brains crave even a small bump of pleasure. Grieving can make it hard to find pleasure in even the things that brought us deep joy before the loss. So when we get even a short, temporary neurochemical bump of those feel-good neurochemicals, it can feel especially good. Dopamine and serotonin kick on in your brain and, at least for a little while, you feel something other than the seemingly unending pain you’ve felt all week.
Because of this, I have found myself in an amount of debt that is overwhelming me. I have researched and developed healthier coping mechanisms to avoid this toxic manner of dealing with my grief such as, listening for my usual rationalizations that encourage me to spend and answering these rationalizations with logical, reasonable alternatives. Instead of shopping, I now I will take a walk, do a puzzle or hobby, listen to a favorite podcast, etc. I have created a budget to keep track of my spending and make sure I stay within healthy parameters. I set challenges for myself, like “do not buy a single thing for yourself for the whole month. Being back in control of this coping mechanism has put an end to the excessive spending, but I can’t undo the damage I have already done.
The debt I accrued while in the depths of my grief has become overwhelming. I am slowly chipping away at it, but it seems each time I make progress, I have a set back and have to repurpose the money I intended to use to pay down my debt in order to cover another unexpected expense (e.g., I just had to replace my refrigerator because it stopped working properly). The stress of this debt has caused my already intense anxiety to skyrocket. My mental health is always an uphill battle, but with this added stress I find myself, once again, experiencing a crushing sense of hopelessness; that things will never get better. If anyone can find it in their hearts to empathize or even sympathize with my situation and help me dig myself out of this financial and emotional toll, I would be eternally grateful. There aren’t words to describe the weight you will be helping me lift from my already heavy heart. Thank you.