Hello Everyone, I’m a 19 year old girl who is tired of living. Sorry about my English as it is not my first language. I know this sounds like an excuse but It’s not. Let me tell you how this all started. I just turned 15 when my life went downhill. My head was filled with suicidal thoughts and I was just so scared of death. I thought my life turned into rainbows and unicorns when I was sixteen but no, at my birthday I locked myself in the bathroom and stared at the running water in the bathtub, wanting to drown myself but my thoughts about my future stopped me. What will my kids look like? How would my husband treat me? Will I be happy? Will I get a good job? That was the questions in my head that time so I stood up and fought my desire to die for the second time.
I went to Japan when I was Seventeen. I admit, I was so happy. I got a job, I went to school at night time but after a few months, even though I worked and went to school, I could not buy what I wanted. Even though I got paid. My mother is a nice lady to everyone’s eyes. My two younger siblings are very much adored by everyone. I was jealous. Since I am a minor, I could not hold the money I earned. It all went in my mother’s pockets.
I was okay with it at first because she’s my mom. She is the reason why I’m in this world. My younger siblings got all the things they wanted and needed, expensive goods, delicious foods.. compliments and love from people around them, especially the woman who gave life to them.
While me? working my ass off and receives a question. “How much is your salary this month?”, “Why do you have to buy such expensive phone? Do you know how much that costs monthly?”, “I don’t have enough money for the rent and bills.”. It’s funny right? I’m also her daughter, why can’t she treat me the same?
I was in 2nd year highschool (age 18) when I finally attempted to end my life. no more questions and just went through it. In my school’s comfort room, I picked up a cleaning liquid and drank it but one of my friends entered the CR just a few minutes after I drank the liquid. My throat was burning and I could not hear well but I saw the look on face. She was horrified and she looked at me with pity. I hated that.
I don’t like it when people pities me, It just pains me even more. It made me feel so worthless. I got rushed into the hospital and my mother went in my room with a blank face. She asked me why I did it and why I had to cause trouble in school, saying how much the hospital bills would cost and what to do with my job. I was so stupid to think that she was worried that time.
The second time I tried to kill myself was this year. Just after my birthday. June 16, 2020. I bought sleeping pills in a pharmacy. Even though the pharmacist told me that it would give me headache if I drink two tabs in one day I ignored it because I was planning to die for real anyways. no one could save me if I die in my sleep.
like every other people, I want to graduate, have my own car, build my own house, have a beautiful and loving family, learn everything I want to learn but this hole in my heart just keeps preventing me from dreaming.
I took all the tablets and went to bed that day but I still woke up on June 18th, 2020 around 3 pm. There were calls and messages from my work, asking why I did not get their permission for taking a day off. No messages about my well being. My mom who lives with me did not even notice I was asleep for two three days and two nights.
I want to give myself a third chance and maybe give myself hope. I don’t want to work to give the wants of my younger siblings. I think I already gave them enough but i’m tied up. I can’t do anything since my mother got her fingers around my neck like a dog chain.
From the country I was born and raised, Age does not matter. Mothers are always right. I want to believe that GOD wants me to live a little longer but I don’t know…Giving up is the only thing I’m good at.
I know this is shameless but please help me. I don’t want only money but also advice. I tried looking for a sugar daddy, hoping he could take me with him to another country and just escape from here but the thought of selling my body horrifies me. I want to be spoiled too like my sisters who got it all.
Sincerely, A girl who’s hopeless.