Hi. I won’t make this text very formal as I am skeptical of the possibility of even one person reading it, let alone having the energy to pass judgement on my grammar and execution. But as always I am hopeful, as I find that more and more, as I get older, I am left with nothing but my dwindling hope, diminished in the imposing presence of an intuition that possesses a knot of truth that expresses plainly and undeniably the dismal facts of reality. My reality for the last 14 years has been one of unshakeable depression. I have this debilitating lethargy that has rendered my body dysfunctional and taken my physical health in a way that has left me in a state of mourning for the death of my youth. I experience at times what are traumatic bouts of nostalgic sadness, and panic when my life that was once is once again realized to be gone forever and there is nothing that can ever rebuild those times, but worst of all it seems there is nothing that can ever make me feel the feelings I used to experience that were so raw and indicative of a vibrant life.
I have spent my entire adult life in a state of poverty, often in the most extreme poverty possible it would seem. I am at this moment on the verge of homelessness, again, and I am at the culmination of a few months of hardship and a now apparent downward spiral that began when I broke my tailbone a few months ago. That precipitated me being laid off from my job as I work in laborious industries as I was unable to perform in a satisfactory capacity. I have had seemingly unlikely bad luck in finding reliable work since then even though apparently there is a labor shortage. But this isn’t supposed to be a rambling account of self pity and I apologize if I seem like I’m trying to sound pathetic in order to gain sympathy that will ultimately somehow manifest itself as dollars. I am in some debt and I am tired of being abused and exploited by contractors and employees who take 4/5ths of the value of my labor for themselves and throw me their pocket change. I have several thousand dollars in debts I must pay in order to not fall any further into disenfranchisement. I am trying to buy a work truck and set it up for the kind of work I do most and most professionally. I am tired of renting rooms and then having to leave again once the month is over for whatever reason. It’s hard to describe and really measure the state of my economic situation but right now I am in a crisis. Things have just been going just slightly bad enough for long enough and I’ve caught just enough bad breaks that I’ve ended up here. Sleeping on a couch surrounded by my meager belongings all half falling out of the bags they were stuffed in hastly before arriving here. The bottom line is that poverty is killing me and I cannot seem to pull myself out of its abyss. There seems to be no latter to climb right now. No next stepping stone encouraging the way forward. I have at times described my situation to people as an economic disorder. It feels like that, it feels like I’m sick because when I do have a little money I feel good, not sad and secure. My experience is that money absolutely can and does buy happiness, at least under the right conditions.
So anyway what I’m looking for is a boost to pay off some debts that are more and more problematic as time goes toward, and to take a step towards true self employment and in turn an independence that I have not had in 15 years. I am sinking no matter how hard I swim.