To anyone that may read this,
Most of us know it is not an easy thing to be vulnerable. We all want to be strong, self-sufficient, and successful. Unfortunately for lots of us, life doesn’t always go the way we planned.
I have gone all of my life with an untreated mental disorder that has essentially ruined my chances of getting ahead. After getting a proper diagnosis and medication, it was a relief but also a grieving process. I had to grieve the life I never had because I never received proper treatment.
I have been a caregiver to adults with disabilities for nearly 10 years. This job is where I landed after dropping out of college and it’s where I feel I am meant to be. But as anyone in this field knows, we don’t get paid much at all.
Part of having a mental disorder like mine is extreme impulsivity. As you might guess, this creates financial issues. I’ve become a slave to what are essentially payday loan apps. I used it once to help with unexpected costs and because (surprise!) I impulsively did not think of the consequences… now I feel I will forever be in their debt.
It looks like this: I get paid, and my entire paycheck (and then some) is taken out to pay these apps back. I then have to request money from these apps again (plus the fees, tips, etc) and the cycle continues and continues…
I moved back with my parents a few years ago after ending a relationship and will never be able to move out if I can’t get help. My credit is not good and I won’t be able to get a loan. No one in my family has money to help me. I’m lucky to be able to live with my parents but it can’t be forever. After paying my car payment, insurance, credit cards, gas, cat food and supplies, food, toiletries- I am left with next to nothing. And this is WITHOUT rent. I have daily panic attacks, trouble sleeping, and extreme depression due to my money troubles. I am so so so ashamed and embarrassed and I feel this weight every hour of every day.
I have my car inspection this week and I am terrified there is going to be something wrong that I can’t afford. I am in constant fear that something will happen to my cat and I won’t be able to afford care to save him.
I work really hard and am not lazy. I now am the leader of the house I work at. I am dedicated, patient, and kind and a strong advocate for those with disabilities. This job does take its toll emotionally and physically and the thought of having to get a second job sends me into a spiral.
All I ask if for a chance to get out of this desperate, dark hole that I am stuck in. I now have the proper treatment to help me live life “normally” but I fear it is too late. I just want a chance. I understand that people might be more inclined to help someone in a more urgent situation, and I completely understand. All I ask if that if you’ve ever known this feeling, you’ll consider helping.
Thank you so much for reading.