It was not common to be diagnosed with things like PTSD, Anxiety, Depression way back when. It’s only now, as I have aged, and tried for so long to get better. I am worn out.
To meet me you would never know. I still work. I am very outgoing and friendly. I have been all my life, and at times believe that’s why these abuses happened. I want to believe the good in people. I want to believe I am worthy of love.
I got in a financial mess from many things. My first two husband’s got the check and I got some cash. We worked together as a band, on the road. I never had a bank account until I was 30. I had never had an apartment, I lived on the road. I never saved. I just wanted out of each marriage and left with little to nothing.
I was naive when I got married the first time. He was so nice around my family. He had a major temper around me. I never thought married people said things like f you! He got angry a lot.
The second marriage is where the worst of it came. He gaslighted me constantly telling me he could have me locked away in an insane asylum. He would beat me, then want to make love…. that was a nightmare. He urinated on me, and convinced me I was a lousy singer. I went from a super outgoing entertainer and singer to someone who would hide on breaks and cry.
It took years, but I went back to school and became an RN. I have spent money recklessly trying to buy approval from my family, and friends, boyfriends.
I did find someone finally. We have both had rocky pasts, we have had rocky times. There is not hitting or screaming or cursing. Still, we have tried to live life the way other people at our age would. We have taken vacations… it’s not the kind I imagine you have had. We stay in Mom and Pops. I gave my husband a surprise birthday party for his 60th. We stayed at a hotel in Clearwater beach Florida for 35.00 a night. I swear!! It wasn’t horrible! It was clean. We keep things clean.
We bought a modest home of 160,00.00. We felt we should put up a fence as there are some business close by. I got credit from JC Penny’s and tried to make our home nice.
We have debt. I have student debt. We have older cars, a 2005, and a 2006. We don’t have to have the biggest, brightest or newest.
My husband still works part time at age 77. We take care of the house and the yard ourselves. My husband got on top of the roof of the garage the other day to cut limbs of a tree hanging over.
Look, I know things could be much worse. I know my story, my life story is not the worst, but I found this web site, and I posted before, and I am still trying in this world.
I have had nightmares since early childhood. As I age it gets worse. I also have Fibromyalgia, and am over weight. I try to eat to feel good. I really don’t drink very often.
I love my husband. He is a good man, and our neighbors like us. We try to help others. I stay anxious, like I’m always doing something wrong. I try not to hate myself. I have a good church, my pastor preaches everyone, but everyone is welcomed, everyone is equal, and everyone is loved. It’s true Christian values I believe. With my faith though, I still live in reality and dream of being able to retire. I would love to just spend time with my husband, sit on the front porch and speak to neighbors. Ha ha. That sounds so funny to me!
You should have seen me before. I was something. Beautiful, strong, talented, and never saw what was coming.
Will you help me? Please? I am truly sorry and embarrassed to even have to ask.