About a month ago from the day I write this, I was admitted into a mental hospital. Why you may ask? I’ve always suffered from chronic depression and anxiety, but this time it was different. This time, I started thinking about death frequently, those thoughts lead to wishing I was dead and gone, and finally I actually started to think of how I might actually be able to accomplish this (overdose was going to my chosen method).
What stopped me? My 7-month old son who is one of the cutest babies out there. I cried and cried thinking how much I would miss out on and how it may affect him in the future. So luckily I have a nursing background and know at this point, I need help …. like major help. I went in for a mental health assessment, and they recommended I be hospitalized, to which I did not refuse to do as there was legitimate concern for my safety.
After being hospitalized, I attended an outpatient mental health program where I participated in groups and sessions with other patients going through similar situations. They do their best to teach coping skills to people like me to help manage chronic depression and anxiety. For example, recognizing what you have to be appreciative for in this life or radical acceptance – things are the way they are, change what you can for the future, and don’t reminisce on the past too much as it cannot be changed.
How am I doing with these coping skills? I was doing well at first, but I’ve hit a snag these past few days. What is causing me my dip in depression and anxiety currently? Money and debt. This is part of what led me to my hospitalization.
This is the part I’m not proud of, and frankly, some of you may judge me. I’ve fixated myself so much on money for the past few years that I wanted more of it in order to provide myself, my wife, and my newborn son with a better life. What did I do though? I created more debt for myself by gambling.
While I’m not proud of it, I have to practice radical acceptance. I can’t change the debt that I’ve accrued in the past. What can I try to do to change it though? How can I help chip away at it?
Today I mentioned to my wife that I was thinking about getting a second part-time job. The mistakes that I made were mine and mine alone. However, she started crying and so did I. She expressed how she felt about me getting another job.
My wife and I have gone through a lot with our son since he’s been born. While we love him more than words can describe, we’ve hit a lot of bumps in the road: colicky for the first four or five months, plagiocephaly (flat head) which cost us the need to get a helmet for him to wear for about 10 weeks (trust me he was not comfortable in it day and night), and torticollis (tightening of the neck and head muscles to one side) which resulted in physical therapy which still continues today (although less frequently thank goodness).
So why do I mention the journey my wife and I have had with our son? When I mentioned the second part-time job, she cried, remember? Essentially she’s burnt out (as am I) and she could not bare me spending additional time away as it would mean her responsibility with our son would increase. Let me say, I don’t blame her and I told her I understood.
So what other options are there to cover my debt from medical bills and gambling? Unfortunately, my family does not have a lot of money and there is little they can do to help.
I then turned to the internet, did a google search, and a blog mentioned beggingmoney.com. So here I am asking for your help.
How much debt did I get myself into? Over the past year probably close to $50k …. did you eyes just pop wide open? I know mine would have. Like I said before, I’m not proud of it, but I can’t change the past. I thought that more money could bring my family and I additional happiness, but that’s not what I need to be focusing on to fulfill my life.
This is something I’m working on, something that the outpatient mental health facility helped me realize. Am I perfect? No. I’m still worried about the debt I’ve accumulated, but have I realized that gambling and more money is not the answer anymore? I think so. I think things happen for a reason, and while it was a costly one, I’m optimistic I can look at my life and the people around me to realize that money is not the main source of happiness for me.
So here I am. While I feel ashamed for what I have done, I am giving this a shot and calling on you for help … even if it’s just a little bit.
I can actually probably cover half of the debt, $25k, paying it off over the next 5 years or so, but the rest is causing myself and my family unable to pay for our regular monthly expenses and bills (the worst being $1300 in rent and an $820 student loan bill every month). Not to mention the $1k bill I received from being hospitalized and I have yet to receive the bill for being in the outpatient mental health program which will probably be around another $1k.
The holidays are starting now, and hopefully I can find some of you out there who are will to spread the giving, while I spread an immense amount of thanks.
Thank you for reading my story. I now move forward trying to manage my depression and anxiety while appreciating life with a different perspective and newly found hope.