The title is very dramatic but thats honestly what it feels like.
I won’t go on and on because I don’t want to bore anyone too much but a few years back I was diagnosed with unspecified psychosis, which is very similar to schizophrenia, it’s just an “unspecified” version so to speak, it is essentially a symptom or part of schizophrenia. It was later changed to schizophrenia once I got over the age of 18.
My life before I was diagnosed was great. I originally moved from the UK to the USA and made loads of friends because they all thought I was interesting because I was foreign. I also went horse riding every day after school, and helped feed, groom and take care of a horse called Chica, a beautiful pony. But once I started to hallucinate and talk weirdly because of my illness all my friends were weirded out and ditched me, and everyone at school thought I was taking drugs, the rumours were everywhere. Once they found out I had schizophrenia it just got worse, everyone whispering at me and calling me schizo behind my back. They all thought I might shoot up the school, when honestly guns scare me, I’m mostly just scared, not violent.
I had a few experiences in hospital during this time also, and they were haunting because at the time I was suffering from delusions so I thought everyone there wanted to kill me. I was drugged a whole bunch and every time I was awake I felt nothing but panic. The only relief was going home and seeing my parents and my horse, and being put on meds which helped me get better.
However, the owner of the horse I saw moved away, so I’ve said goodbye to Chica for likely what will be forever. I didn’t bother looking for a new horse to ride because I wouldn’t be able to afford it anymore.
My dad was super set on me going to college as soon as I got out of school. I was already still suffering because we had to go through different meds to find the right fit, so I thought maybe I should work for a few years, but he would scream and yell at me and tell me I was a disappointment because I didn’t want to go to college. So I caved and went for a biology degree because I love animals.
I was told I wasn’t eligible for any financial aid since I wasn’t a citizen, or even on a green card at the time, I was on a Visa. So that terrified me but my dad scared me more and I went ahead anyway.
It didn’t work out. I had to be kept home because I was having breakthrough hallucinations, and so I was never there to attend classes, and failed all of them. My condition gets worse with stress, and so its an endless cycle. I hallucinate and can’t go to school, I get stressed as my grades get worse, so I hallucinate more, and it goes on and on.
My dad promised he would pay for the college tuition, but since I failed the classes, he sees it as my fault and I have to pay. Its $6,000.
I could pay it off. No problem. I have a fulltime job, I’m a hard worker, and although I have to pay rent to my parents and I owe them money for hospital fees, I still could manage it. But the only issue is the school wants the money and they want it now. They’re not going to wait anymore. They don’t care about my illness, they just want their money.
So the real issue is trying to get $6,000 when my dad refuses to help me in a one month time frame.
At the end of the day I’ll get through it one way or another, I know I will. But any support at all that you can give would be a huge huge help. Thank you for reading this, thank-you for your time.